[ Battle Royale Parody ] -- cowritten by Easter Bunny and Ducky
[ Chapter 5 ]
�Ahh, how are my little pets, I mean students, doing? Enjoying the bloody, pointless, but highly entertaining slaughter? Yup, so am I, sitting here watching and drinking a Martini. So anyway, the list of the dead� Sam Kwon� Jennifer Nguyen� Benjamin Tran� Jennifer Nguyen� Dan Bui (cheers could vaguely be heard at this)� some other people that didn�t matter� and did I mention Jennifer Nguyen? (Cheers could once again vaguely be heard from all around the school grounds). Yeah, so, whatever, some people died, GET BACK TO THE KILLING!�
It was the six o�clock announcement. Alan Priester (Male Student No. 9) heard it clearly from his hiding place on the roof of the boys� locker rooms. How�d he get there? Who the hell cares. Anyway, at the news that Dan Bui was dead, Alan�s heart was crushed. He had hoped to confess his undying love for Dan�s Playstation 2 to Dan� until� until all of this went awry.
Priester was busy crying over the death of his mildly plump companion before a black shuriken whizzed by his ear, leaving a small red cut before landing and sticking onto the floor of the roof (hah, floor of the roof, hah, oxymoron, haha!). Priester looked up slowly� and saw a black figure in the distance, standing atop the fence of one of the softball fields. It was the same fence that he had once climbed� with� Johnny? Could it be?
It had to be.
�Priester! Prepare to feel the wrath of the ninja!�
Johnny Nguyen (Male Student No. 1) knew that was a very lame thing to say. But he said it anyway. Because he wanted to. He waited atop the fence, in traditional black ninja clothing (which he always carried around with him, just in case) and armed with his chopsticks and a small case of shurikens (which he also kept with him, in case the German population started to go Nazi again). He waited for his undeserving and pansy opponent, Alan, to accept the challenge to combat.
And that was exactly what Priester did. He donned his white labcoat (which he, for some queer reason, always brought with him) and readied the tennis ball machine, the same one that had killed Victor. He also activated his WAFF (watch activated force field), which he ordered from a Sony catalog several days before. Until that point he thoughts WAFFs were something that he�d come up with, but I guess, like always, Sony got there first.
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Below, on the softball field, Donald Tran (Male Student No. 1337) and Jeffrey Mitchell (Male Student No. 13) had come out of their respective hiding places to watch the conflict happening above. They had seen each other at a distance and offered the peace sign to each other (in this story, let�s assume the chicken dance is the universal peace sign). They had put away their weapons, Donald with a case of CD-R�s, and Jeffrey with five old, antiquated baseballs, and gone to watch the ensuing battle together.
�I�m putting five CD-R�s on Johnny,� Donald told Jeffrey while watching the two combatants above, now recognized as Johnny and Alan, ready for combat.
�Heck no fool, Alan�s going to pown! Three baseballs on Alan! White power yo!� Jeffrey exclaimed.
�First off, it�s pwn, without the o. Who cares if you�re talking and I can�t see how you spell. There�s no o! Second, the white race is coming to an end you fogie. It�s all African Americans now kaffir!� Donald lectured.
�Fine. How about if Alan wins, I get to get the first hit when we fight afterwards. And if Johnny wins, you get the first hit.�
�Fine with me.�
By now Johnny Nguyen had leaped from his position on the top of the fence and was now doing some crazy, 1337 flips before landing on the roof of the locker room.
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�Dammit Johnny! Why do you always want to kill things all the time?� Alan asked as he and Johnny circled each other, weapons at the ready. �You�re always choking this or squishing that. Or how about the time you tortured that poor moth in the cup when Donald was using your computer and you were bored?�
�Ahh, you see Alan, the entertainment doesn�t come from the pure destruction. It comes from the pathetic resistance that�s put up. And that moth clean deserved it for daring to land on my couch! AHAHAH!� Johnny�s cold, cruel laugh echoed throughout the school, which for some reason had now become dark, with storm clouds brewing above and a slight drizzle slowly drenching anybody outside.
�I guess I�ll just have to stop you reign of terror!� Alan yelled as he rushed into battle, launching several tennis balls at Johnny before attempting a spinning back kick, which hit nothing but air. Johnny had leaped to his right when the balls came flying at him, and the back kick was too slow to hit anything.
Johnny threw several ninja stars at Alan, who instinctively shielded his face with his arm before remembering his WAFF was on. When he lowered his arm, Johnny was already there, delivering a clean side thrust kick to Alan�s WAFF. Although Alan wasn�t hurt, his WAFF was knocked backwards, bringing Alan with it. His head barely avoided smacking the pavement as he landed on his back on the ground.
Alan had barely recovered from the shock before Johnny had leaped on top of the WAFF�s solidic surface, weighing the energy sphere down so Alan, who was attached to it through his watch, couldn�t get up.
�So, have you decided to surrender yet? Proclaim to the world that ninjas will always pwn, and I�ll let you live.� Alan was terrified at the coldly calm way that Johnny said this; this exact phrase had obviously been rehearsed before when Johnny was left with nothing to do at home.
�I�ll NEVER surrender to you!� Alan screamed, reaching out to the tennis ball machine and, after a stretch, hitting the on switch. Dozens of tennis balls sailed in Johnny�s direction, since Alan now had the sense to turn the �suicidal insanely fast launching� mode on in the ball machine.
Johnny leaped out of the way, but a ball barely hit him in mid-flip. Unluckily for him, it hit him right at the �pivotal center�, if you know what I mean. Alright, it hit him in the crotch for all of you idiots out there. He landed awry on his chest, and Alan managed to get up. Alan Priester slowly deactivated his watch in dramatic, victorious fashion, and slowly walked over to where Johnny was on the floor, motionless.
�So, I guess ninjas don�t pwn so much after all, ey?� Unknown to Alan, Johnny was in the middle of a crisis: he was deciding whether his future children were important to him or not.
I need children to torture Alan�s children when we grow up� but wait, this game is going to kill one of us one eventually anyway� but wait, I need to pass on the ninja legacy�but�I can�t let Alan beat me� aww the hell with it!
Lightning came down from the sky. The rain was now pouring in torrents as Johnny leaped up with surprising speed, dashing at Alan with chopsticks held forward. Alan barely managed to sidestep the attack, but was hit by the thrusting kick that came soon after it.
Alan fell, not realizing he was too close to the edge of the roof. Before impact with the cement, however, he quickly reactivated his WAFF, which absorbed 98% of the impact. �THIS ISN�T THE END!� He screamed. �I�LL KILL YOU TO AVENGE� DAN BUI!!!!!�
On the rooftop, Johnny snickered and thought to himself how dramatically unrealistic that whole fight scene was. He walked away into the darkness, bloody chopsticks in hand, after destroying the tennis ball machine, of course.
-----------
Below, Donald and Jeff had finished drinking their thai teas, which were made with rainwater and instant thai tea mix Donald always kept on hand. They were sitting under an umbrella Donald had also brought with him because he is strange, gleefully watching the fight happening on the rooftop. And now the fight had just finished, with no true victor.
�Dude, now our bet won�t work right.� Jeffrey complained.
�That�s true,� Donald said, �but we can solve this with a game of rock, paper, scissors. How about it?�
�Sure,� Jeffrey said as he and Donald put their cups down and played the game.
�Rock��
�Paper��
�Scissors!�
Jeffrey had put out paper, but Donald had put out some strange hand position.
�Dude, what the hell is that?� Jeffrey asked.
�This? It�s� um� an al-kernabovak. It�s a special position. Middle eastern game rules, you know.�
�That�s bull! There�s no such thing as an al-whatever! You�re trying to pull my hamstrings!�
�Um, no, it�s just that [insert random confusing logic here].�
�Oooh, okay then� I guess I lose. Well, hurry up and administer the first blow then.�
Donald quickly sharpened one of the CD-R�s he had, using skills the Mormons had taught him in scouts. He then cut off Jeffrey�s head in one, quick, grisly slash. Blood spattered everywhere, helping the rain to drench the soil. Jeffrey�s head dropped cleanly to the floor, its eyes still in a state of supreme shock. His body, after a pause, then slowly slumped forward, completely and utterly dead.
�Well, I guess I win that round. I mean, somebody had to die in this chapter,� Donald said to himself, �Just goes to show you that MORMONS ARE THE SUPERIOR RACE! AHAHAHAHA!�
21 Students Remaining
:: Student List::
:: Chapter 1 ::
:: Chapter 2 ::
:: Chapter 3 ::
:: Chapter 4 ::
:: Chapter 6 ::
:: Chapter 7 ::
:: Chapter 8 ::
It was the six o�clock announcement. Alan Priester (Male Student No. 9) heard it clearly from his hiding place on the roof of the boys� locker rooms. How�d he get there? Who the hell cares. Anyway, at the news that Dan Bui was dead, Alan�s heart was crushed. He had hoped to confess his undying love for Dan�s Playstation 2 to Dan� until� until all of this went awry.
Priester was busy crying over the death of his mildly plump companion before a black shuriken whizzed by his ear, leaving a small red cut before landing and sticking onto the floor of the roof (hah, floor of the roof, hah, oxymoron, haha!). Priester looked up slowly� and saw a black figure in the distance, standing atop the fence of one of the softball fields. It was the same fence that he had once climbed� with� Johnny? Could it be?
It had to be.
�Priester! Prepare to feel the wrath of the ninja!�
Johnny Nguyen (Male Student No. 1) knew that was a very lame thing to say. But he said it anyway. Because he wanted to. He waited atop the fence, in traditional black ninja clothing (which he always carried around with him, just in case) and armed with his chopsticks and a small case of shurikens (which he also kept with him, in case the German population started to go Nazi again). He waited for his undeserving and pansy opponent, Alan, to accept the challenge to combat.
And that was exactly what Priester did. He donned his white labcoat (which he, for some queer reason, always brought with him) and readied the tennis ball machine, the same one that had killed Victor. He also activated his WAFF (watch activated force field), which he ordered from a Sony catalog several days before. Until that point he thoughts WAFFs were something that he�d come up with, but I guess, like always, Sony got there first.
-----------
Below, on the softball field, Donald Tran (Male Student No. 1337) and Jeffrey Mitchell (Male Student No. 13) had come out of their respective hiding places to watch the conflict happening above. They had seen each other at a distance and offered the peace sign to each other (in this story, let�s assume the chicken dance is the universal peace sign). They had put away their weapons, Donald with a case of CD-R�s, and Jeffrey with five old, antiquated baseballs, and gone to watch the ensuing battle together.
�I�m putting five CD-R�s on Johnny,� Donald told Jeffrey while watching the two combatants above, now recognized as Johnny and Alan, ready for combat.
�Heck no fool, Alan�s going to pown! Three baseballs on Alan! White power yo!� Jeffrey exclaimed.
�First off, it�s pwn, without the o. Who cares if you�re talking and I can�t see how you spell. There�s no o! Second, the white race is coming to an end you fogie. It�s all African Americans now kaffir!� Donald lectured.
�Fine. How about if Alan wins, I get to get the first hit when we fight afterwards. And if Johnny wins, you get the first hit.�
�Fine with me.�
By now Johnny Nguyen had leaped from his position on the top of the fence and was now doing some crazy, 1337 flips before landing on the roof of the locker room.
-----------
�Dammit Johnny! Why do you always want to kill things all the time?� Alan asked as he and Johnny circled each other, weapons at the ready. �You�re always choking this or squishing that. Or how about the time you tortured that poor moth in the cup when Donald was using your computer and you were bored?�
�Ahh, you see Alan, the entertainment doesn�t come from the pure destruction. It comes from the pathetic resistance that�s put up. And that moth clean deserved it for daring to land on my couch! AHAHAH!� Johnny�s cold, cruel laugh echoed throughout the school, which for some reason had now become dark, with storm clouds brewing above and a slight drizzle slowly drenching anybody outside.
�I guess I�ll just have to stop you reign of terror!� Alan yelled as he rushed into battle, launching several tennis balls at Johnny before attempting a spinning back kick, which hit nothing but air. Johnny had leaped to his right when the balls came flying at him, and the back kick was too slow to hit anything.
Johnny threw several ninja stars at Alan, who instinctively shielded his face with his arm before remembering his WAFF was on. When he lowered his arm, Johnny was already there, delivering a clean side thrust kick to Alan�s WAFF. Although Alan wasn�t hurt, his WAFF was knocked backwards, bringing Alan with it. His head barely avoided smacking the pavement as he landed on his back on the ground.
Alan had barely recovered from the shock before Johnny had leaped on top of the WAFF�s solidic surface, weighing the energy sphere down so Alan, who was attached to it through his watch, couldn�t get up.
�So, have you decided to surrender yet? Proclaim to the world that ninjas will always pwn, and I�ll let you live.� Alan was terrified at the coldly calm way that Johnny said this; this exact phrase had obviously been rehearsed before when Johnny was left with nothing to do at home.
�I�ll NEVER surrender to you!� Alan screamed, reaching out to the tennis ball machine and, after a stretch, hitting the on switch. Dozens of tennis balls sailed in Johnny�s direction, since Alan now had the sense to turn the �suicidal insanely fast launching� mode on in the ball machine.
Johnny leaped out of the way, but a ball barely hit him in mid-flip. Unluckily for him, it hit him right at the �pivotal center�, if you know what I mean. Alright, it hit him in the crotch for all of you idiots out there. He landed awry on his chest, and Alan managed to get up. Alan Priester slowly deactivated his watch in dramatic, victorious fashion, and slowly walked over to where Johnny was on the floor, motionless.
�So, I guess ninjas don�t pwn so much after all, ey?� Unknown to Alan, Johnny was in the middle of a crisis: he was deciding whether his future children were important to him or not.
I need children to torture Alan�s children when we grow up� but wait, this game is going to kill one of us one eventually anyway� but wait, I need to pass on the ninja legacy�but�I can�t let Alan beat me� aww the hell with it!
Lightning came down from the sky. The rain was now pouring in torrents as Johnny leaped up with surprising speed, dashing at Alan with chopsticks held forward. Alan barely managed to sidestep the attack, but was hit by the thrusting kick that came soon after it.
Alan fell, not realizing he was too close to the edge of the roof. Before impact with the cement, however, he quickly reactivated his WAFF, which absorbed 98% of the impact. �THIS ISN�T THE END!� He screamed. �I�LL KILL YOU TO AVENGE� DAN BUI!!!!!�
On the rooftop, Johnny snickered and thought to himself how dramatically unrealistic that whole fight scene was. He walked away into the darkness, bloody chopsticks in hand, after destroying the tennis ball machine, of course.
-----------
Below, Donald and Jeff had finished drinking their thai teas, which were made with rainwater and instant thai tea mix Donald always kept on hand. They were sitting under an umbrella Donald had also brought with him because he is strange, gleefully watching the fight happening on the rooftop. And now the fight had just finished, with no true victor.
�Dude, now our bet won�t work right.� Jeffrey complained.
�That�s true,� Donald said, �but we can solve this with a game of rock, paper, scissors. How about it?�
�Sure,� Jeffrey said as he and Donald put their cups down and played the game.
�Rock��
�Paper��
�Scissors!�
Jeffrey had put out paper, but Donald had put out some strange hand position.
�Dude, what the hell is that?� Jeffrey asked.
�This? It�s� um� an al-kernabovak. It�s a special position. Middle eastern game rules, you know.�
�That�s bull! There�s no such thing as an al-whatever! You�re trying to pull my hamstrings!�
�Um, no, it�s just that [insert random confusing logic here].�
�Oooh, okay then� I guess I lose. Well, hurry up and administer the first blow then.�
Donald quickly sharpened one of the CD-R�s he had, using skills the Mormons had taught him in scouts. He then cut off Jeffrey�s head in one, quick, grisly slash. Blood spattered everywhere, helping the rain to drench the soil. Jeffrey�s head dropped cleanly to the floor, its eyes still in a state of supreme shock. His body, after a pause, then slowly slumped forward, completely and utterly dead.
�Well, I guess I win that round. I mean, somebody had to die in this chapter,� Donald said to himself, �Just goes to show you that MORMONS ARE THE SUPERIOR RACE! AHAHAHAHA!�
21 Students Remaining
:: Student List::
:: Chapter 1 ::
:: Chapter 2 ::
:: Chapter 3 ::
:: Chapter 4 ::
:: Chapter 6 ::
:: Chapter 7 ::
:: Chapter 8 ::