[ Battle Royale Parody ] -- cowritten by Easter Bunny and Ducky
[ Chapter 2 ]
�Next,� Mrs. Price announced, �Male student No. 5, Danny Lam� As Danny received his day pack and exited the classroom, Samuel Kwon (Male Student No. 4) raised his hand. �Wait a minute!� he shouted, �Since I�m also number 4, shouldn�t I go out after Jennifer?�
Mrs. Price stared down at Samuel through her thick glasses. �If you were listening, Samuel,� Mrs. Price growled, �You would have noticed that the order was boy-girl, not girl boy. You, Mr. Kwon, will be last.�
�Noooooooo!� cried out Samuel, burying his head in his pudgy arms. �I�ll never see my cute Jennifer Snookums Wookums again! I�ll never see Patty or Paddy again either.�
�There there...� said Mrs. Price rather kindly. �I�m sure you�ll see her again. I mean, its not like I just blew her head off or anything....� Mrs. Price barely concealed her evil smirk. �Anyway� She continued, �Next is Linda Ly.�
Alan Priester, Male Student number 9, waited his turn as his fellow students disappeared out the door one by one. He noticed that as Chris Lam (Male Student No. 6) left, he stealthily passed a note to his best friend Benjamin Tran (Male Student No. 7). Benjamin, after quickly reading it, dropped it on the floor and left a few minutes later.
Alan, who was right after Benjamin, thought it might be a note about where to meet. He picked it up, hoping he could rendezvous with them later. Alan read (in strangely girly handwriting)....
My dearest Love Benjamin Tran,
You are so hot! I love you more than I can put into words. Since only one of us can survive, lets meet up at the baseball field and kill ourselves. Maybe, though, we won�t have to die virgins! We shall die in each other�s arms!
Hugs and kisses,
Chris Lam
Alan, after reading the note, shuddered and hurled it as far as he could. He knew Chris and Benjamin were close, but not that close. Alan felt really dirty. He wondered what they meant by �Maybe we won�t have to die virgins� and then, when he figured it out, felt even dirtier.
Alan might have puked right there, but his name was announced by Mrs. Price. Alan grabbed his day pack and staggered outside. Pausing outside the doorway, Alan looked left, then right, then sprinted down the hallway. Alan didn�t see anybody, but he still didn�t stop running until he had reached the high school locker rooms. Once there, Alan crouched down behind a row of lockers to catch his breath. He opened up his day pack and looked for his �weapon�, but besides a map and some water all he found was a bunch of tennis balls.
�Crap!� Alan exclaimed. �This is bad.� And things were about to get alot worse, because just then Victor Ho entered the locker room.
-----------
Victor Ho was screwed. Not only had he received a plastic spork as a weapon, but he had just seen John Vu walking around with an AK-47. How was he supposed to compete with that? True, Victor had greater strength than John, but Victor doubted that he posessed more intelligence; after all, Victor had been held back for 2 years....
It was all because of that Alan Priester! If it hadn�t been for that freckled white kid, Victor would have been in college right now. But Victor suffered from a highly unusual condition known as Cerebral-Testicular Intermingling (CTI for short). Basically, Victor�s brain and balls were connected by a mutated string of nervous tissue, so whatever damage victor�s manhood sustained would be directly transmitted to his cerebral cortex. In short, if somebody kicked Victor in the nuts, it might result in brain damage.
It all happened in Victor�s junior year. Alan Priester, the younger brother of Victor�s friend David, came running by on his cross country workout. Spying a tennis ball lying on the grass, Alan helpfully threw it in Victor�s direction, shouting �Catch Victor!� Victor, however, was too busy talking about hamsters, and the tennis ball came sailing through the air unnoticed. The green projectile bounced off the ground right at victor�s feet and rocketed upwards, straight into Victor�s manhood.
Ever since that day, Victor had been out to kill Alan Priester. However, because of his CTI condition, the blow to victors balls was transmitted directly to his brain, and it caused him severe brain damage. Victor, unable to complete the High school exit exam, had been held back for two years. Now, though, was his perfect chance to strike back at Alan! As Victor turned the corner into the locker room, he held out his spork in a defensive fashion.
Nobody was there....
-----------
Alan Priester, seeing Victor enter his hiding place, dodged around the corner and into the equipment room. Alan wasn�t afraid of Victor, but he had no idea what the older boy�s weapon might be. Also, Alan seemed to recall a tennis ball incident that had left Victor very angry at him (and also, for reasons Alan couldn�t comprehend, noticeably dumber).
Alan heard Victor�s footsteps approaching. He tried the far door, but was dismayed to find it locked. He frantically searched for a weapon and spied some baseball bats, but they were too high to reach. Victor�s footsteps were getting closer.
Alan spied the only object that could possibly work against Victor: a tennis ball machine. Quickly, Alan emptied his day pack�s tennis balls into the top of the machine. Then, moving swiftly, he spun the nozzle towards the open door. Desperately hoping that it didn�t need to be plugged in, Alan fired 3 bursts of tennis balls just as Victor�s body filled up the doorway.
All 3 tennis balls pounded straight into Victor�s groin.
Victor groaned, and within seconds he was on the floor due to the intense pain. That, however, was not Victor�s primary concern. He could practically feel it as the waves of pain traveled up towards his brain. His genitals had sustained such severe damage that Victor�s brain began going into spasms, wracking Victor�s body with incredible shudders and jerks. Then, something snapped in Victor�s mind, and as a result of his CTI, Victor died.
Alan slowly approached Victor�s body and put his hand on Victor�s wrist. There was no pulse.
�Holy crap!� Alan exclaimed, jumping backwards. Somehow, amazingly, he had killed Victor Ho! Alan, of course, had no way of knowing about Victor�s condition. Still, he felt terrified to learn that he was a murderer.
�Oh well...� Alan sighed, calming down. �Nobody liked Victor anyway.� Taking Victor�s spork and day pack, Alan moved on.
-----------
30 students remaining
Dan Bui (Male student number 15) was waiting for Johnny Nguyen (Male student Number 1). Dan hid in the bushes near one of the school�s exits, hoping he could meet up with his friend. Dan Bui had noticed that Johnny was extremely violent and unpredictable, but his other friends (mainly Alan Priester) had left before him. Dan simply chose to remember the good memories of Johnny (as opposed to the painful ones), and he waited in silence.
Dan had already seen Narady Heng, Kimberly Nguyen, Claire Carell, and Charlene Wantz pass by. Johnny Nguyen was next! Dan could hardly wait to see his old friend. Just then, The school door opened, and out stepped the man himself.
Dan emerged from the bushes, shouting in an overly loud voice �Over here, Johnny!� Johnny whirled about, his weapon (a tennis racket) held out in front of him. Dan, Who had about 150 Slim Jims supplied as his weapon, held up his hands. �I�m unarmed, Johnny!� Dan boomed.
Johnny slowly lowered his tennis racket. He stood still as Dan waddled forward, watching him impassively. When Dan Bui was about 3 feet away, Johnny suddenly lashed out with his foot, connecting solidly with Dan�s groin. Dan moaned softly, but didn�t even fall to the floor as Johnny had expected. Instead, Dan grimaced and said �You seem to have forgotten how many times you did that to me at lunch. Not only am I immune to the �ole groin kick, but my genitals have regenerated at an exponential rate.�
�In fact, it would probably take you about 200,000 hits to kill every one of my �little Dans.� Just try it!� Dan spread his legs and left his groin wide open. It was an opportunity Johnny couldn�t resist. Swinging his tennis racket with both hands in an underhand stroke, Johnny�s racket smashed into Dan�s genitals.
Dan grimaced slightly, but then sighed as if with intense pleasure. He then said �You see, Johnny, they reproduce like hydras. I have about double the amount of what I had before. Now, however, since you�ve shown your true colors, I can take care of you the old fashioned way.�
Dan didn�t need a weapon. After all, he was a weapon. Not in the sense that he had trained in martial arts or anything, but Dan had his own way of dealing with assailants. He simply tipped himself over, rolling slowly onto Johnny.
Johnny only had time to yell out �You freak! how can anybody have a regenerating peni...� and then Johnny was covered by the soft, blubbery mass of Dan�s body. He struggled for a while, but then his thrashings became more feeble and finally stopped. Dan, satisfied that he had dispatched his foe, managed to roll himself to his feet and waddle away.
As his massive body began retreating, Johnny�s eye opened a slit and watched him go. Johnny had simply used an ancient ninja technique that slowed ones breathing and brought the heart rate down to only a few beats per minute. He could have lasted for ten minutes or more before suffocating.
When Johnny was sure Dan had left he calmly regained his feet and departed in search of fresh prey. He would have to be more careful next time. Johnny wouldn�t soon underestimate the power of blubber....
-----------
Dan, after (or so he thought) killing Johnny, looked for a suitable place to hide. He was planning to just wait the whole thing out until there was only one student left. Then he would simply roll on top of him (or her).
Dan soon found a place he could stay. He located a large air duct in the 300 building that lead into a large, enclosed space. It was an extremely tight fit, and Dan barely managed to squeeze himself through. Once he was inside and had replaced the grate, Dan sat down and wondered idly how to pass the hours. Opening up his backpack, Dan rediscovered the 150 slim Jims supplied as a �weapon.� �I�ll only eat a few,� Dan thought to himself, peeling off a wrapper and taking a large greasy bite of processed meat....
-----------
About 55 minutes later, Dan finished of the last of the 150 slim Jims. He had started only meaning to eat one or two, but things got out of hand and now Dan�s only remaining food was bread and water. Dan had never eaten so much jerky in his life, and now he felt like was going to be sick. Burping and leaning back, Dan listened as the intercom crackled on.
�This is your first announcement� stated Mrs. Price. �It has only been an two hours and ten minutes since the first of you exited the classroom. From now on, seeing as it is 12:00 O�clock, the announcements will be given every six hours. Now then, the classmates that have died so far are Female student No. 4, Jennifer Nguyen...� Dan heard the barely audible howling of Samuel Kwon in the distance, mourning for his Jenni-Snookums Wookums. �... and Male student number 11, Victor Ho. I�m very proud of all you. And no, Dan, I know what you are thinking, but you didn�t manage to kill Johnny, you idiot. Also, one more thing... Sectors A6, D4, and F9 will become forbidden in 10 minutes. That is all.� The intercom clicked off.
Dan gaped in amazement. Johnny wasn�t dead. If he ever saw him again, Dan promised himself that he would roll on him until he was as flat as a pancake. As an after thought, Dan checked his map... and was horrified to find that he was in one of the forbidden zones! Quickly, Dan shoved his backpack through the ventilation shaft entrance, then tried to squeeze himself through.
But he could not. Dan strained against the sides of the air shaft. heaving as hard as he could, but his bloated body did not move a centimeter! Dan tried backing up and leaping at the exit, but his idea of �leaping� was only a couple of inches, and Dan only succeeded in getting himself stuck in the entrance.
At first, Dan couldn�t figure it out. Sure, it was a tight fit on the way in, but surely he should be able to get out again.... Then Dan remembered the 150 empty slim Jim packages lying on the floor. He screwed up his face and said to himself �I knew I should have saved that last Slim Jim for later!�
Dan was about to give up, but just then he heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Seeing as he was stuck, Dan could not do anything but wait for his fellow student. As it turned out, Female student number 9, Nguyen Pham, passed by the air duct... and froze in horror when she saw Dan.
�Hi there,� said Dan, putting on his friendliest smile. �Would you mind helping me to get out of this....�
Dan couldn�t get any farther, because Nguyen let out an ear piercing shriek and screamed at the top of her lungs �A MONSTER! MRS. PRICE HAS SET LOOSE A HORRIBLE, HIDEOUS, FAT, OBESE, OVER-WEIGHT, BLUBBERY, CHUNKY, CHUBBY, and LARDY MONSTER IN THE SCHOOL TO FINISH US OFF!�
Dan didn�t know what to say. As he tried to explain that he was only Dan, he heaved himself a few inches towards Nguyen.
�AAAHHHH!� Nguyen yelled. �IT�S COMING TOWARD ME! GET AWAY, YOU HORRIBLE BEAST!� Nguyen, pulling out a metal hammer, began smacking Dan in the face. Helpless before the onslaught, Dan�s only choice was to try to pull himself further outwards.
�HELP! HELP!� Nguyen shrieked. In response, several other girls (Karins Nguyen, Kim Vu, and Kathy Phi) came running up. They all gasped at the sight of what they supposed to be a hideous monster, and then all four of them (armed with various blunt objects, including a golf club, a baseball bat, and a wrench) began beating at Dan�s face and body. All of a sudden, Tannie Duong appeared at the scene armed with a massive flamethrower. �GET BACK, YOU FIEND! GO BACK INTO YOUR PUTRID CAVERN!�
Dan, his face now bloody, melted, and bruised, gave up all hope of being recognized. With great effort he withdrew his body into the air duct, forfeiting any progress he might have gained towards freedom. The flurry of blows faded and all five girls ran away, screaming warnings about �That really fat monster.�
Dan sat back and felt sorry for himself. �I�m not fat, just mildly plump,� he reasoned. When he checked his watch, he was horrified to learn that he only had three minutes until his head was blown off! Dan slammed himself against the entrance, and frantically began clawing himself forward. He wriggle and squirmed, tugged and heaved, and slowly, inch by inch, Dan emerged from the air duct. When he had almost set himself free and was seconds from squeezing himself out of the vent, Dan heard footsteps coming down the hall. Thinking it was the girls coming to finish him off, Dan redoubled his efforts.
However, he froze in horror as he saw who was standing before him. There, with his tennis racket, stood Johnny Nguyen!
Dan regained his senses and sputtered, pathetically �I-It was an accident! I s-swear! I just kind of t-tripped and fell on you, then I c-couldn�t get up! P-Please help me get out of here!�
Johnny looked down at Dan through those cold, emotionless, calculating eyes filled with fluffy pink love. �Sure� said Johnny. �I�ll help you.�
Dan began babbling in his relief. �Of course you will! You were always such a good friend. In fact, you were always my best friend! I�ll be your slave forever if you save me, I swear it....
But Dan fell silent as Johnny took up his tennis racket and pressed it against Dan�s soft, blubbery shoulder. �Sure, I�ll help you....� Johnny repeated �TO DIE!� With a strong shove, Johnny sent Dan sliding back into the air duct.
�Nooooooooooooo!� Dan wailed. �Please, don�t leave me! I�ll do anything, just don't let me die alone! I�ll give you pleeaaa-ssuurree!� It was too late, however. Johnny had gone off in search of prey. Dan sat down glumly and looked at his watch, resigned to his fate. He watched the seconds to his death tick off... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1....
-----------
Johnny, who was well outside the forbidden zone, heard a muffled thump and knew his adversary was dead. With a new spring to his step, Johnny realized �Hey, killing people is fun!� He continued his search of the screaming girls who had drawn him here in the first place. Johnny was hoping for some more easy kills.
29 Students Remaining
:: Student List::
:: Chapter 1 ::
:: Chapter 3 ::
:: Chapter 4 ::
:: Chapter 5 ::
:: Chapter 6 ::
:: Chapter 7 ::
:: Chapter 8 ::
Mrs. Price stared down at Samuel through her thick glasses. �If you were listening, Samuel,� Mrs. Price growled, �You would have noticed that the order was boy-girl, not girl boy. You, Mr. Kwon, will be last.�
�Noooooooo!� cried out Samuel, burying his head in his pudgy arms. �I�ll never see my cute Jennifer Snookums Wookums again! I�ll never see Patty or Paddy again either.�
�There there...� said Mrs. Price rather kindly. �I�m sure you�ll see her again. I mean, its not like I just blew her head off or anything....� Mrs. Price barely concealed her evil smirk. �Anyway� She continued, �Next is Linda Ly.�
Alan Priester, Male Student number 9, waited his turn as his fellow students disappeared out the door one by one. He noticed that as Chris Lam (Male Student No. 6) left, he stealthily passed a note to his best friend Benjamin Tran (Male Student No. 7). Benjamin, after quickly reading it, dropped it on the floor and left a few minutes later.
Alan, who was right after Benjamin, thought it might be a note about where to meet. He picked it up, hoping he could rendezvous with them later. Alan read (in strangely girly handwriting)....
My dearest Love Benjamin Tran,
You are so hot! I love you more than I can put into words. Since only one of us can survive, lets meet up at the baseball field and kill ourselves. Maybe, though, we won�t have to die virgins! We shall die in each other�s arms!
Hugs and kisses,
Chris Lam
Alan, after reading the note, shuddered and hurled it as far as he could. He knew Chris and Benjamin were close, but not that close. Alan felt really dirty. He wondered what they meant by �Maybe we won�t have to die virgins� and then, when he figured it out, felt even dirtier.
Alan might have puked right there, but his name was announced by Mrs. Price. Alan grabbed his day pack and staggered outside. Pausing outside the doorway, Alan looked left, then right, then sprinted down the hallway. Alan didn�t see anybody, but he still didn�t stop running until he had reached the high school locker rooms. Once there, Alan crouched down behind a row of lockers to catch his breath. He opened up his day pack and looked for his �weapon�, but besides a map and some water all he found was a bunch of tennis balls.
�Crap!� Alan exclaimed. �This is bad.� And things were about to get alot worse, because just then Victor Ho entered the locker room.
-----------
Victor Ho was screwed. Not only had he received a plastic spork as a weapon, but he had just seen John Vu walking around with an AK-47. How was he supposed to compete with that? True, Victor had greater strength than John, but Victor doubted that he posessed more intelligence; after all, Victor had been held back for 2 years....
It was all because of that Alan Priester! If it hadn�t been for that freckled white kid, Victor would have been in college right now. But Victor suffered from a highly unusual condition known as Cerebral-Testicular Intermingling (CTI for short). Basically, Victor�s brain and balls were connected by a mutated string of nervous tissue, so whatever damage victor�s manhood sustained would be directly transmitted to his cerebral cortex. In short, if somebody kicked Victor in the nuts, it might result in brain damage.
It all happened in Victor�s junior year. Alan Priester, the younger brother of Victor�s friend David, came running by on his cross country workout. Spying a tennis ball lying on the grass, Alan helpfully threw it in Victor�s direction, shouting �Catch Victor!� Victor, however, was too busy talking about hamsters, and the tennis ball came sailing through the air unnoticed. The green projectile bounced off the ground right at victor�s feet and rocketed upwards, straight into Victor�s manhood.
Ever since that day, Victor had been out to kill Alan Priester. However, because of his CTI condition, the blow to victors balls was transmitted directly to his brain, and it caused him severe brain damage. Victor, unable to complete the High school exit exam, had been held back for two years. Now, though, was his perfect chance to strike back at Alan! As Victor turned the corner into the locker room, he held out his spork in a defensive fashion.
Nobody was there....
-----------
Alan Priester, seeing Victor enter his hiding place, dodged around the corner and into the equipment room. Alan wasn�t afraid of Victor, but he had no idea what the older boy�s weapon might be. Also, Alan seemed to recall a tennis ball incident that had left Victor very angry at him (and also, for reasons Alan couldn�t comprehend, noticeably dumber).
Alan heard Victor�s footsteps approaching. He tried the far door, but was dismayed to find it locked. He frantically searched for a weapon and spied some baseball bats, but they were too high to reach. Victor�s footsteps were getting closer.
Alan spied the only object that could possibly work against Victor: a tennis ball machine. Quickly, Alan emptied his day pack�s tennis balls into the top of the machine. Then, moving swiftly, he spun the nozzle towards the open door. Desperately hoping that it didn�t need to be plugged in, Alan fired 3 bursts of tennis balls just as Victor�s body filled up the doorway.
All 3 tennis balls pounded straight into Victor�s groin.
Victor groaned, and within seconds he was on the floor due to the intense pain. That, however, was not Victor�s primary concern. He could practically feel it as the waves of pain traveled up towards his brain. His genitals had sustained such severe damage that Victor�s brain began going into spasms, wracking Victor�s body with incredible shudders and jerks. Then, something snapped in Victor�s mind, and as a result of his CTI, Victor died.
Alan slowly approached Victor�s body and put his hand on Victor�s wrist. There was no pulse.
�Holy crap!� Alan exclaimed, jumping backwards. Somehow, amazingly, he had killed Victor Ho! Alan, of course, had no way of knowing about Victor�s condition. Still, he felt terrified to learn that he was a murderer.
�Oh well...� Alan sighed, calming down. �Nobody liked Victor anyway.� Taking Victor�s spork and day pack, Alan moved on.
-----------
30 students remaining
Dan Bui (Male student number 15) was waiting for Johnny Nguyen (Male student Number 1). Dan hid in the bushes near one of the school�s exits, hoping he could meet up with his friend. Dan Bui had noticed that Johnny was extremely violent and unpredictable, but his other friends (mainly Alan Priester) had left before him. Dan simply chose to remember the good memories of Johnny (as opposed to the painful ones), and he waited in silence.
Dan had already seen Narady Heng, Kimberly Nguyen, Claire Carell, and Charlene Wantz pass by. Johnny Nguyen was next! Dan could hardly wait to see his old friend. Just then, The school door opened, and out stepped the man himself.
Dan emerged from the bushes, shouting in an overly loud voice �Over here, Johnny!� Johnny whirled about, his weapon (a tennis racket) held out in front of him. Dan, Who had about 150 Slim Jims supplied as his weapon, held up his hands. �I�m unarmed, Johnny!� Dan boomed.
Johnny slowly lowered his tennis racket. He stood still as Dan waddled forward, watching him impassively. When Dan Bui was about 3 feet away, Johnny suddenly lashed out with his foot, connecting solidly with Dan�s groin. Dan moaned softly, but didn�t even fall to the floor as Johnny had expected. Instead, Dan grimaced and said �You seem to have forgotten how many times you did that to me at lunch. Not only am I immune to the �ole groin kick, but my genitals have regenerated at an exponential rate.�
�In fact, it would probably take you about 200,000 hits to kill every one of my �little Dans.� Just try it!� Dan spread his legs and left his groin wide open. It was an opportunity Johnny couldn�t resist. Swinging his tennis racket with both hands in an underhand stroke, Johnny�s racket smashed into Dan�s genitals.
Dan grimaced slightly, but then sighed as if with intense pleasure. He then said �You see, Johnny, they reproduce like hydras. I have about double the amount of what I had before. Now, however, since you�ve shown your true colors, I can take care of you the old fashioned way.�
Dan didn�t need a weapon. After all, he was a weapon. Not in the sense that he had trained in martial arts or anything, but Dan had his own way of dealing with assailants. He simply tipped himself over, rolling slowly onto Johnny.
Johnny only had time to yell out �You freak! how can anybody have a regenerating peni...� and then Johnny was covered by the soft, blubbery mass of Dan�s body. He struggled for a while, but then his thrashings became more feeble and finally stopped. Dan, satisfied that he had dispatched his foe, managed to roll himself to his feet and waddle away.
As his massive body began retreating, Johnny�s eye opened a slit and watched him go. Johnny had simply used an ancient ninja technique that slowed ones breathing and brought the heart rate down to only a few beats per minute. He could have lasted for ten minutes or more before suffocating.
When Johnny was sure Dan had left he calmly regained his feet and departed in search of fresh prey. He would have to be more careful next time. Johnny wouldn�t soon underestimate the power of blubber....
-----------
Dan, after (or so he thought) killing Johnny, looked for a suitable place to hide. He was planning to just wait the whole thing out until there was only one student left. Then he would simply roll on top of him (or her).
Dan soon found a place he could stay. He located a large air duct in the 300 building that lead into a large, enclosed space. It was an extremely tight fit, and Dan barely managed to squeeze himself through. Once he was inside and had replaced the grate, Dan sat down and wondered idly how to pass the hours. Opening up his backpack, Dan rediscovered the 150 slim Jims supplied as a �weapon.� �I�ll only eat a few,� Dan thought to himself, peeling off a wrapper and taking a large greasy bite of processed meat....
-----------
About 55 minutes later, Dan finished of the last of the 150 slim Jims. He had started only meaning to eat one or two, but things got out of hand and now Dan�s only remaining food was bread and water. Dan had never eaten so much jerky in his life, and now he felt like was going to be sick. Burping and leaning back, Dan listened as the intercom crackled on.
�This is your first announcement� stated Mrs. Price. �It has only been an two hours and ten minutes since the first of you exited the classroom. From now on, seeing as it is 12:00 O�clock, the announcements will be given every six hours. Now then, the classmates that have died so far are Female student No. 4, Jennifer Nguyen...� Dan heard the barely audible howling of Samuel Kwon in the distance, mourning for his Jenni-Snookums Wookums. �... and Male student number 11, Victor Ho. I�m very proud of all you. And no, Dan, I know what you are thinking, but you didn�t manage to kill Johnny, you idiot. Also, one more thing... Sectors A6, D4, and F9 will become forbidden in 10 minutes. That is all.� The intercom clicked off.
Dan gaped in amazement. Johnny wasn�t dead. If he ever saw him again, Dan promised himself that he would roll on him until he was as flat as a pancake. As an after thought, Dan checked his map... and was horrified to find that he was in one of the forbidden zones! Quickly, Dan shoved his backpack through the ventilation shaft entrance, then tried to squeeze himself through.
But he could not. Dan strained against the sides of the air shaft. heaving as hard as he could, but his bloated body did not move a centimeter! Dan tried backing up and leaping at the exit, but his idea of �leaping� was only a couple of inches, and Dan only succeeded in getting himself stuck in the entrance.
At first, Dan couldn�t figure it out. Sure, it was a tight fit on the way in, but surely he should be able to get out again.... Then Dan remembered the 150 empty slim Jim packages lying on the floor. He screwed up his face and said to himself �I knew I should have saved that last Slim Jim for later!�
Dan was about to give up, but just then he heard footsteps coming down the hallway. Seeing as he was stuck, Dan could not do anything but wait for his fellow student. As it turned out, Female student number 9, Nguyen Pham, passed by the air duct... and froze in horror when she saw Dan.
�Hi there,� said Dan, putting on his friendliest smile. �Would you mind helping me to get out of this....�
Dan couldn�t get any farther, because Nguyen let out an ear piercing shriek and screamed at the top of her lungs �A MONSTER! MRS. PRICE HAS SET LOOSE A HORRIBLE, HIDEOUS, FAT, OBESE, OVER-WEIGHT, BLUBBERY, CHUNKY, CHUBBY, and LARDY MONSTER IN THE SCHOOL TO FINISH US OFF!�
Dan didn�t know what to say. As he tried to explain that he was only Dan, he heaved himself a few inches towards Nguyen.
�AAAHHHH!� Nguyen yelled. �IT�S COMING TOWARD ME! GET AWAY, YOU HORRIBLE BEAST!� Nguyen, pulling out a metal hammer, began smacking Dan in the face. Helpless before the onslaught, Dan�s only choice was to try to pull himself further outwards.
�HELP! HELP!� Nguyen shrieked. In response, several other girls (Karins Nguyen, Kim Vu, and Kathy Phi) came running up. They all gasped at the sight of what they supposed to be a hideous monster, and then all four of them (armed with various blunt objects, including a golf club, a baseball bat, and a wrench) began beating at Dan�s face and body. All of a sudden, Tannie Duong appeared at the scene armed with a massive flamethrower. �GET BACK, YOU FIEND! GO BACK INTO YOUR PUTRID CAVERN!�
Dan, his face now bloody, melted, and bruised, gave up all hope of being recognized. With great effort he withdrew his body into the air duct, forfeiting any progress he might have gained towards freedom. The flurry of blows faded and all five girls ran away, screaming warnings about �That really fat monster.�
Dan sat back and felt sorry for himself. �I�m not fat, just mildly plump,� he reasoned. When he checked his watch, he was horrified to learn that he only had three minutes until his head was blown off! Dan slammed himself against the entrance, and frantically began clawing himself forward. He wriggle and squirmed, tugged and heaved, and slowly, inch by inch, Dan emerged from the air duct. When he had almost set himself free and was seconds from squeezing himself out of the vent, Dan heard footsteps coming down the hall. Thinking it was the girls coming to finish him off, Dan redoubled his efforts.
However, he froze in horror as he saw who was standing before him. There, with his tennis racket, stood Johnny Nguyen!
Dan regained his senses and sputtered, pathetically �I-It was an accident! I s-swear! I just kind of t-tripped and fell on you, then I c-couldn�t get up! P-Please help me get out of here!�
Johnny looked down at Dan through those cold, emotionless, calculating eyes filled with fluffy pink love. �Sure� said Johnny. �I�ll help you.�
Dan began babbling in his relief. �Of course you will! You were always such a good friend. In fact, you were always my best friend! I�ll be your slave forever if you save me, I swear it....
But Dan fell silent as Johnny took up his tennis racket and pressed it against Dan�s soft, blubbery shoulder. �Sure, I�ll help you....� Johnny repeated �TO DIE!� With a strong shove, Johnny sent Dan sliding back into the air duct.
�Nooooooooooooo!� Dan wailed. �Please, don�t leave me! I�ll do anything, just don't let me die alone! I�ll give you pleeaaa-ssuurree!� It was too late, however. Johnny had gone off in search of prey. Dan sat down glumly and looked at his watch, resigned to his fate. He watched the seconds to his death tick off... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1....
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Johnny, who was well outside the forbidden zone, heard a muffled thump and knew his adversary was dead. With a new spring to his step, Johnny realized �Hey, killing people is fun!� He continued his search of the screaming girls who had drawn him here in the first place. Johnny was hoping for some more easy kills.
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:: Student List::
:: Chapter 1 ::
:: Chapter 3 ::
:: Chapter 4 ::
:: Chapter 5 ::
:: Chapter 6 ::
:: Chapter 7 ::
:: Chapter 8 ::