[ Battle Royale Parody ] -- cowritten by Easter Bunny and Ducky
[ Chapter 8 ]
Kelsey Weisenberger and Nancy Nguyen were huddled together at the back of the library, hiding in a narrow alcove with a bookshelf on either side. It was nighttime, and the sound of softly falling rain could be heard as it pattered against the ground outside. For some reason, they couldn�t manage to turn the power on, so they crouched in near total darkness, hoping not to be seen. The only light came from a flickering candle that was partially shaded by books to avoid attracting outside attention.
Their supplied weapons were mediocre at best; Nancy had been given a Rubik�s cube, and she had passed several hours fiddling with it in a corner, trying to coax out its secrets. Kelsey, thankful to have a somewhat more useful weapon, had been supplied with a full length, razor sharp, gleaming katana. On it were runes that Kelsey could not decipher, but it came with a label that read �Guaranteed to reflect lasers!�
�Yeah,� Scoffed Kelsey. �Like that would ever happen. Everybody knows that only a perfect mirror can reflect a laser, and the katana would just melt and then vaporize. Anybody who believes that kind of ridiculous claim is a loser!� Nancy, absorbed in her Rubik�s cube, offered no answer.
Kelsey shrugged and ignored her companion�s indifference. As she scanned the bookshelves for something to occupy her mind, a gleaming red and black title caught her attention. �Omigosh!� Kelsey squealed with glee. �Look Nancy, its my absolute favorite book, Battle Royale by Koushun Takami!�
This remark finally brought Nancy from her Rubik�s-cube-induced stupor. �Wow, really?� She asked. �I didn�t think the school would allow something so violent in the library. It is a great book, though.�
�Oh, I know!� Kelsey practically shrieked. �Didn�t you love the ending? Which was your favorite character? My favorite was Kazuo Kiriyama. I would love to see somebody like that; a heartless, emotionless killer.�
Unnoticed by the girls who were caught up in their reverie, the library door squeaked open and and soft, padded footsteps mad their way slowly and stealthily toward the girl�s voices.
Kelsey, oblivious to the danger, continued to babble. �If I met Kazuo Kiriyama, I would be so impressed. Imagine somebody who is so talented, practically a genius, but without emotions. He would be the perfect killing machine!�
The footsteps had stopped, and cold, emotionless eyes gleamed from the darkness. They narrowed as they focused on the girls, but Kelsey took no notice. Nancy, quite animated now and practically shouting, joined in the conversation.
�Ohhhhh Kazuo is so awesome!� She squealed. �If I had to die, I would totally choose to be killed by him!�
�Yeah,� agreed Kelsey. �But I wouldn�t want to be one of those people who are introduced and die in the same chapter. That would suck.�
At that moment, a flashing object whizzed past Kelsey�s nose and imbedded itself in Nancy�s forehead. Blood erupted out of the gash like it was a �Kill Bill� movie, and it splattered everything in a wide arc of raining gore. Kelsey, her face speckled with droplets of her friend�s blood, was in shock as Nancy slumped over onto the ground, and a red stain slowly spread from under her crumpled body. Kelsey had time to register that the object sticking out of her companions forehead was a sign reading �Library, be quiet.� Then she screamed.
Kelsey, in a blind panic, lunged for the katana and pointed it unsteadily towards the entrance of the isle. �Wh-who�s there?� Kelsey managed to stutter. �I w-warn you, I�m armed!�
Cold, emotionless laughter emanated from the pitch black hallway. Slowly, a figure materialized out of the darkness. As it chuckled and glided slowly forward, Kelsey�s eyes were drawn towards its eyes. They were huge and bloodshot, and Kelsey could practically feel the waves of murderous, fluffy pink love flooding outwards. The scariest part, however, was the fact that the eyes were glowing an eerie shade of blood-red (apparently that person had focusing a little too exclusively on the dark side of the force).
�Nooooo! Back! Get back I say!� Kelsey screamed, wildly flailing the katana to keep the mysterious assailant at bay. �Are you... Kazuo Kiriyama?�
�No.� replied the figure in a dull monotone. �I am Johnny Nguyen.�
Instantly, a pair of chopsticks came streaking through the darkness, and they imbedded themselves in Kelsey�s hand. Gasping with pain, Kelsey was forced to drop the katana, and it was immediately snatched up by Johnny. Cradling her bloody hand and now completely helpless, Kelsey watched in horrified fascination as Johnny inspected his new weapon. He twirled it about, watching it gleam silvery blue in a mesmerizing pattern of lights. Then, in one stroke, He cut a book shelf in half. Johnny smiled.
�I must thank you, Kelsey. For now, with this weapon, I am truly unbeatable.� With the speed he had gained from years of torturing his friends (especially Dan and Alan) Johnny lunged forward and impaled Kelsey with the katana, plunging it in to the hilt. With her last ounce of strength, Kelsey did not waste her breath on feeble resistance, but instead buried her nose in Johnny�s hair and inhaled deeply. As she slipped into the realm of unconsciousness Kelsey derived some small satisfaction from the fact that Johnny was thoroughly freaked out by her hair-smelling fetish.
�Whoa.� said Johnny. �That was weird.� Spying the Rubik�s cube on the floor, Johnny picked it up and solved it within 37 seconds. He then discarded it onto the pile of bloodstained bodies and began making his way out of the library. As her life was just about to slip away, Kelsey vaguely heard Johnny in the background saying �Hey! It reflects lasers? Cool!�
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The faculty of La Quinta high school was relaxing in the teacher�s lounge, enjoying the spectacle. Mr. Persechina and Mr. Cox were playing a leisurely round of chess, and Mrs. Schmeil was rummaging in the mini fridge, hoping to find an apple. Most of them, however, were clustered around several large screen plasma television sets, popcorn in hand, enjoying the carnage.
�So, who do you think will win?� inquired Mr. Monohan. �I�ve got $50 on Johnny. The only way to win the game is to be a cold-hearted murderer.�
�I don�t know...� replied Mr. Nguyen. �Johnny risks himself too much by actively seeking out conflict. No matter how skilled you are, the more battles you take part in, the greater your chance is of getting killed.�
�I agree.� stated Mr. Foresman, who had come to watch his former students.
�Somebody with less aggressive tactics is more likely to survive. Donald is a good example.�
�True,� Mr. Persechina chimed in, temporarily halting his chess match. �But I still believe a solid background in science is the way to go! Go scientists! You can do it Alan!�
�I don�t care who wins.� Mr. Cox stated. �As long as students are suffering, I�m happy.�
�I guess we can all agree that at this point it�s any man�s game.� summarized Mrs. Price, the leader of the group. �And it seems that there is going to be some action coming right up.�
The screen of a camera zoomed in on the face of student No. 1337, Donald Tran, as the dot that marked his position on an overhead map inched closer to two others....
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Donald Tran was moving cautiously forward through the 200 computer lab. After avenging Samantha�s death by slicing John�s arm off, Donald had retreated to the 200 building on the grounds, knowing that other predators would be attracted to the commotion. (His precautions were justified, for at that moment, John was being pummeled by Susie�s banjo).
He was about halfway through the room when a shadowy figure darted into the opposite doorway. Donald quickly dove behind a row of computers and stated crawling back in the direction he had come. He had only just started retreating, however, when another figure filled that doorway. He was trapped!
�Crap,� thought Donald to himself. �I�ve walked right into a trap. My Mormon scoutmasters would be so dissapointed in me.... So much for finishing up the quest in World of Warcraft....� Scornfully, Donald said, �I bet these computers can�t even support the game anyway.�
�Come out, Donald!� said a voice that Donald identified as belonging to Nguyen Bui.
�If you surrender, we�ll make your death as quick and painless as possible.� The other voice added with a maniacal giggle. Donald knew that voice could only belong to Brian Chau, or �Chauchi� as preferred to be called.
Nguyen and Brian began advancing down the rows of computers. Between the dangling wires, Donald identified their weapons. Nguyen was holding a chain saw, and Brian Chau was duel wielding two pepper spray cans.
�Not good� thought Donald. �If I�m not careful, I could be blinded and decapitated. Then I�ll never get my character to reach Hero level, let alone second class!� Donald searched his pockets for the attributes and screenshots of his future character that he always kept handy, just in case he wanted to gaze upon its magnificence. Too late, he realized that he had left his picture, along with his weapon and all the other supplies, lying in his bag the middle of the aisle. Nguyen Bui stooped down and picked it up.
�Well, well, well.� Nguyen said, opening Donald�s bag and rummaging through the contents. �What have we here? A cell phone... a GameCube...Skittles�Mormon Boy scout manual... PC Gamer... and... what�s this? All right! Check it out Chauchi, Thai Tea packets!�
�NOOOOOOO!� Donald screamed inwardly, but he didn�t dare break the silence and reveal his position. �I just got that cell phone but ANYTHING BUT THE THAI TEA! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND MORMON, DON�T HURT MY PRECIOUS TEA!!!�
�Ewwww...� said Brian as he swaggered up to stand next to Nguyen. �I hate that stuff. Give it here!�
Donald watched in horror, unable to peel his eyes away. Brian Chau opened the packages one by one, and emptied their contents onto the floor, grinding the powder into the carpet with the heel of his muddy boot. He proceeded to destroy every package of Donald�s precious Thai Tea, until there was only one left....
�Here it goes� exclaimed Brian with a gleeful, evil grin on his face. �The last one. I�m about to pour it out....�
�NOOOOOOOO!� Donald screamed, this time out loud. He vaulted over the desks and lunged for Chauchi�s throat, in a blind rage. Brian, caught by surprise, accidentally let go of the package and the contents spilled all over the grimy carpet.
There was a stunned silence, and for a moment everybody in the room froze. Then, slowly at first, Donald�s eye began to twitch, then his face, and then his entire body was trembling with barely suppressed rage. Donald�s eyes blazed with hatred, and through clenched teeth, he managed to say �You... hurt... Donald�s... tea...�
�THAT MAKE DONALD MAD!� Donald suddenly roared, and like a badly made hulk movie Donald�s shirt (thankfully not his pants) burst apart. It is a little known fact, but, like the brain, only about 10% of muscle capacity is usually used under normal conditions. Under strenuous conditons and on very rare occasions, however, when a person is pushed to the brink, they can achieve superhuman strength. Donald had reached that breaking-point.
With an animal roar that would have shaken the hearts of the bravest men, Donald heaved a huge desk over his head and brought it crashing down on Chauchi�s astonished and horrified face. His nose crumpled inward, and blood fountained in huge jerking spurts, splattering gore in every direction. He was instantly knocked unconscious, but Donald took no heed as he leaped upon Brian�s crumpled form and began pummeling him, pounding him with his bare hands. Bones were broken like twigs, and something that sounded like a rotten log being torn in half could be heard. Donald rose slowly, his face and hands covered in gore, and roared triumphantly like some primordial beast.
Nguyen, frozen in shock during the whole ordeal, suddenly sprang to life as Donald began stalking towards him. He backed up, in a blind panic, and in his haste he tripped on some low hanging wires and fell with a muffled thump. Instantly, Donald was towering over him, his muscles bulging and his eyes ablaze with raw power. �This,� Donald stated coldly, �is for the tea.�
Narady, who had been eves-dropping for some time now, heard a loud crash and an ear-piercing high pitched scream that lasted for several seconds before being cut off abruptly. There was absolute silence, and then, unless he was mistaken, the sound of muffled weeping. Risking a look around the corner, Narady saw a strange spectacle. Donald, his muscles having returned to their formal size, was on his knees, weeping over a pile of... powder? �Looking at his hair and the way he dresses, I knew he was a stoner!� More important to him was the body of Nguyen Bui, whose head had been smashed into a computer monitor, and shards of jagged glass were now protruding from his neck. Deciding this was a not a fight he could win, Narady quietly snuck off in the direction from which he had come. It wasn�t until nearly an hour later that Donald arose from his grief-induced stupor. He decided that he must go on. It is what the Thai Tea would have wanted.
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The game was designed to keep people out. Nobody had ever suspected that a person would try to sneak in. That, however, was exactly what the cloaked and hooded figure was doing. After scaling the electric fences with a wooden ladder, the mysterious invader dropped silently to the ground and then rose to his full height. He stood with his back hunched and his arms dangling limply, yet he managed to project an aura of evil and malevolence even Johnny did not possess.
�I have sworn to have my vengeance� rasped the figure. �I will bring down destruction upon those who have done me ill. I will have my revenge, for I am almighty, all powerful, and invincible. I am the great Lambert!� With that, he disappeared into the darkness.
11 students remaining (not counting Lambert)
:: Student List::
:: Chapter 1 ::
:: Chapter 2 ::
:: Chapter 3 ::
:: Chapter 4 ::
:: Chapter 5 ::
:: Chapter 6 ::
:: Chapter 7 ::
Their supplied weapons were mediocre at best; Nancy had been given a Rubik�s cube, and she had passed several hours fiddling with it in a corner, trying to coax out its secrets. Kelsey, thankful to have a somewhat more useful weapon, had been supplied with a full length, razor sharp, gleaming katana. On it were runes that Kelsey could not decipher, but it came with a label that read �Guaranteed to reflect lasers!�
�Yeah,� Scoffed Kelsey. �Like that would ever happen. Everybody knows that only a perfect mirror can reflect a laser, and the katana would just melt and then vaporize. Anybody who believes that kind of ridiculous claim is a loser!� Nancy, absorbed in her Rubik�s cube, offered no answer.
Kelsey shrugged and ignored her companion�s indifference. As she scanned the bookshelves for something to occupy her mind, a gleaming red and black title caught her attention. �Omigosh!� Kelsey squealed with glee. �Look Nancy, its my absolute favorite book, Battle Royale by Koushun Takami!�
This remark finally brought Nancy from her Rubik�s-cube-induced stupor. �Wow, really?� She asked. �I didn�t think the school would allow something so violent in the library. It is a great book, though.�
�Oh, I know!� Kelsey practically shrieked. �Didn�t you love the ending? Which was your favorite character? My favorite was Kazuo Kiriyama. I would love to see somebody like that; a heartless, emotionless killer.�
Unnoticed by the girls who were caught up in their reverie, the library door squeaked open and and soft, padded footsteps mad their way slowly and stealthily toward the girl�s voices.
Kelsey, oblivious to the danger, continued to babble. �If I met Kazuo Kiriyama, I would be so impressed. Imagine somebody who is so talented, practically a genius, but without emotions. He would be the perfect killing machine!�
The footsteps had stopped, and cold, emotionless eyes gleamed from the darkness. They narrowed as they focused on the girls, but Kelsey took no notice. Nancy, quite animated now and practically shouting, joined in the conversation.
�Ohhhhh Kazuo is so awesome!� She squealed. �If I had to die, I would totally choose to be killed by him!�
�Yeah,� agreed Kelsey. �But I wouldn�t want to be one of those people who are introduced and die in the same chapter. That would suck.�
At that moment, a flashing object whizzed past Kelsey�s nose and imbedded itself in Nancy�s forehead. Blood erupted out of the gash like it was a �Kill Bill� movie, and it splattered everything in a wide arc of raining gore. Kelsey, her face speckled with droplets of her friend�s blood, was in shock as Nancy slumped over onto the ground, and a red stain slowly spread from under her crumpled body. Kelsey had time to register that the object sticking out of her companions forehead was a sign reading �Library, be quiet.� Then she screamed.
Kelsey, in a blind panic, lunged for the katana and pointed it unsteadily towards the entrance of the isle. �Wh-who�s there?� Kelsey managed to stutter. �I w-warn you, I�m armed!�
Cold, emotionless laughter emanated from the pitch black hallway. Slowly, a figure materialized out of the darkness. As it chuckled and glided slowly forward, Kelsey�s eyes were drawn towards its eyes. They were huge and bloodshot, and Kelsey could practically feel the waves of murderous, fluffy pink love flooding outwards. The scariest part, however, was the fact that the eyes were glowing an eerie shade of blood-red (apparently that person had focusing a little too exclusively on the dark side of the force).
�Nooooo! Back! Get back I say!� Kelsey screamed, wildly flailing the katana to keep the mysterious assailant at bay. �Are you... Kazuo Kiriyama?�
�No.� replied the figure in a dull monotone. �I am Johnny Nguyen.�
Instantly, a pair of chopsticks came streaking through the darkness, and they imbedded themselves in Kelsey�s hand. Gasping with pain, Kelsey was forced to drop the katana, and it was immediately snatched up by Johnny. Cradling her bloody hand and now completely helpless, Kelsey watched in horrified fascination as Johnny inspected his new weapon. He twirled it about, watching it gleam silvery blue in a mesmerizing pattern of lights. Then, in one stroke, He cut a book shelf in half. Johnny smiled.
�I must thank you, Kelsey. For now, with this weapon, I am truly unbeatable.� With the speed he had gained from years of torturing his friends (especially Dan and Alan) Johnny lunged forward and impaled Kelsey with the katana, plunging it in to the hilt. With her last ounce of strength, Kelsey did not waste her breath on feeble resistance, but instead buried her nose in Johnny�s hair and inhaled deeply. As she slipped into the realm of unconsciousness Kelsey derived some small satisfaction from the fact that Johnny was thoroughly freaked out by her hair-smelling fetish.
�Whoa.� said Johnny. �That was weird.� Spying the Rubik�s cube on the floor, Johnny picked it up and solved it within 37 seconds. He then discarded it onto the pile of bloodstained bodies and began making his way out of the library. As her life was just about to slip away, Kelsey vaguely heard Johnny in the background saying �Hey! It reflects lasers? Cool!�
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The faculty of La Quinta high school was relaxing in the teacher�s lounge, enjoying the spectacle. Mr. Persechina and Mr. Cox were playing a leisurely round of chess, and Mrs. Schmeil was rummaging in the mini fridge, hoping to find an apple. Most of them, however, were clustered around several large screen plasma television sets, popcorn in hand, enjoying the carnage.
�So, who do you think will win?� inquired Mr. Monohan. �I�ve got $50 on Johnny. The only way to win the game is to be a cold-hearted murderer.�
�I don�t know...� replied Mr. Nguyen. �Johnny risks himself too much by actively seeking out conflict. No matter how skilled you are, the more battles you take part in, the greater your chance is of getting killed.�
�I agree.� stated Mr. Foresman, who had come to watch his former students.
�Somebody with less aggressive tactics is more likely to survive. Donald is a good example.�
�True,� Mr. Persechina chimed in, temporarily halting his chess match. �But I still believe a solid background in science is the way to go! Go scientists! You can do it Alan!�
�I don�t care who wins.� Mr. Cox stated. �As long as students are suffering, I�m happy.�
�I guess we can all agree that at this point it�s any man�s game.� summarized Mrs. Price, the leader of the group. �And it seems that there is going to be some action coming right up.�
The screen of a camera zoomed in on the face of student No. 1337, Donald Tran, as the dot that marked his position on an overhead map inched closer to two others....
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Donald Tran was moving cautiously forward through the 200 computer lab. After avenging Samantha�s death by slicing John�s arm off, Donald had retreated to the 200 building on the grounds, knowing that other predators would be attracted to the commotion. (His precautions were justified, for at that moment, John was being pummeled by Susie�s banjo).
He was about halfway through the room when a shadowy figure darted into the opposite doorway. Donald quickly dove behind a row of computers and stated crawling back in the direction he had come. He had only just started retreating, however, when another figure filled that doorway. He was trapped!
�Crap,� thought Donald to himself. �I�ve walked right into a trap. My Mormon scoutmasters would be so dissapointed in me.... So much for finishing up the quest in World of Warcraft....� Scornfully, Donald said, �I bet these computers can�t even support the game anyway.�
�Come out, Donald!� said a voice that Donald identified as belonging to Nguyen Bui.
�If you surrender, we�ll make your death as quick and painless as possible.� The other voice added with a maniacal giggle. Donald knew that voice could only belong to Brian Chau, or �Chauchi� as preferred to be called.
Nguyen and Brian began advancing down the rows of computers. Between the dangling wires, Donald identified their weapons. Nguyen was holding a chain saw, and Brian Chau was duel wielding two pepper spray cans.
�Not good� thought Donald. �If I�m not careful, I could be blinded and decapitated. Then I�ll never get my character to reach Hero level, let alone second class!� Donald searched his pockets for the attributes and screenshots of his future character that he always kept handy, just in case he wanted to gaze upon its magnificence. Too late, he realized that he had left his picture, along with his weapon and all the other supplies, lying in his bag the middle of the aisle. Nguyen Bui stooped down and picked it up.
�Well, well, well.� Nguyen said, opening Donald�s bag and rummaging through the contents. �What have we here? A cell phone... a GameCube...Skittles�Mormon Boy scout manual... PC Gamer... and... what�s this? All right! Check it out Chauchi, Thai Tea packets!�
�NOOOOOOO!� Donald screamed inwardly, but he didn�t dare break the silence and reveal his position. �I just got that cell phone but ANYTHING BUT THE THAI TEA! IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND MORMON, DON�T HURT MY PRECIOUS TEA!!!�
�Ewwww...� said Brian as he swaggered up to stand next to Nguyen. �I hate that stuff. Give it here!�
Donald watched in horror, unable to peel his eyes away. Brian Chau opened the packages one by one, and emptied their contents onto the floor, grinding the powder into the carpet with the heel of his muddy boot. He proceeded to destroy every package of Donald�s precious Thai Tea, until there was only one left....
�Here it goes� exclaimed Brian with a gleeful, evil grin on his face. �The last one. I�m about to pour it out....�
�NOOOOOOOO!� Donald screamed, this time out loud. He vaulted over the desks and lunged for Chauchi�s throat, in a blind rage. Brian, caught by surprise, accidentally let go of the package and the contents spilled all over the grimy carpet.
There was a stunned silence, and for a moment everybody in the room froze. Then, slowly at first, Donald�s eye began to twitch, then his face, and then his entire body was trembling with barely suppressed rage. Donald�s eyes blazed with hatred, and through clenched teeth, he managed to say �You... hurt... Donald�s... tea...�
�THAT MAKE DONALD MAD!� Donald suddenly roared, and like a badly made hulk movie Donald�s shirt (thankfully not his pants) burst apart. It is a little known fact, but, like the brain, only about 10% of muscle capacity is usually used under normal conditions. Under strenuous conditons and on very rare occasions, however, when a person is pushed to the brink, they can achieve superhuman strength. Donald had reached that breaking-point.
With an animal roar that would have shaken the hearts of the bravest men, Donald heaved a huge desk over his head and brought it crashing down on Chauchi�s astonished and horrified face. His nose crumpled inward, and blood fountained in huge jerking spurts, splattering gore in every direction. He was instantly knocked unconscious, but Donald took no heed as he leaped upon Brian�s crumpled form and began pummeling him, pounding him with his bare hands. Bones were broken like twigs, and something that sounded like a rotten log being torn in half could be heard. Donald rose slowly, his face and hands covered in gore, and roared triumphantly like some primordial beast.
Nguyen, frozen in shock during the whole ordeal, suddenly sprang to life as Donald began stalking towards him. He backed up, in a blind panic, and in his haste he tripped on some low hanging wires and fell with a muffled thump. Instantly, Donald was towering over him, his muscles bulging and his eyes ablaze with raw power. �This,� Donald stated coldly, �is for the tea.�
Narady, who had been eves-dropping for some time now, heard a loud crash and an ear-piercing high pitched scream that lasted for several seconds before being cut off abruptly. There was absolute silence, and then, unless he was mistaken, the sound of muffled weeping. Risking a look around the corner, Narady saw a strange spectacle. Donald, his muscles having returned to their formal size, was on his knees, weeping over a pile of... powder? �Looking at his hair and the way he dresses, I knew he was a stoner!� More important to him was the body of Nguyen Bui, whose head had been smashed into a computer monitor, and shards of jagged glass were now protruding from his neck. Deciding this was a not a fight he could win, Narady quietly snuck off in the direction from which he had come. It wasn�t until nearly an hour later that Donald arose from his grief-induced stupor. He decided that he must go on. It is what the Thai Tea would have wanted.
-----------
The game was designed to keep people out. Nobody had ever suspected that a person would try to sneak in. That, however, was exactly what the cloaked and hooded figure was doing. After scaling the electric fences with a wooden ladder, the mysterious invader dropped silently to the ground and then rose to his full height. He stood with his back hunched and his arms dangling limply, yet he managed to project an aura of evil and malevolence even Johnny did not possess.
�I have sworn to have my vengeance� rasped the figure. �I will bring down destruction upon those who have done me ill. I will have my revenge, for I am almighty, all powerful, and invincible. I am the great Lambert!� With that, he disappeared into the darkness.
11 students remaining (not counting Lambert)
:: Student List::
:: Chapter 1 ::
:: Chapter 2 ::
:: Chapter 3 ::
:: Chapter 4 ::
:: Chapter 5 ::
:: Chapter 6 ::
:: Chapter 7 ::