It's up to you, New York, New York

I was on line at the deli across from work, buying a Red Bull to jump start me on my way to the gym. An older couple was ahead of me, buying groceries. I thought it unusual for people to be buying a cart full of groceries in a store like this, which jacks up prices for the Wall Street clientele that frequents it at lunch. But, then, I realized that if they lived in the area there aren't many food shopping options.

I was just about to pay for my drink when the man, who looked to be in his mid- to late 50s, turned and asked me, "Do you know New York?"

My eyes lit up. Do I know New York? Why, my dream job is to walk around New York with a sandwich board advertising my services as an information kiosk! With a Web connection handy, of course, just in case.

"Sure," I said. The woman was interested now.

"How do we get to the Village?" he asked.

"East or West?" I asked, which to me seemed the obvious question.

The man thought. "I didn't know there was an East and West."

I decided to direct them to the West Village, even though the East Village is much more interesting and hip. This couple looked very Middle America, or possibly Canadian, judging from the way they spoke. I erred on the side of conservative.

"The West Village has some good places to eat, and the streets are very scenic. It's a little cold out, but you might enjoy a stroll through the cobblestone streets."

"How do we get there?" the woman asked.

"Do you know where the number 2 train at Wall Street is?" I asked.

"Yes!" they said.

"Take the number 2 to Chambers Street and change to the number 1 across the platform to Christopher Street." I really could get used to this information kiosk job. "When you get out of the subway, you'll be on 7th Avenue. Cross 7th Avenue and walk west." Of course, as I was saying this I realized I was directing them toward the heart of homoville, past Boots and Saddle and the main shopping drag (pun intended). Oh well, maybe they'll find Magnolia Bakery.

"What's in the Village?" the woman asked.

"Oh, um, well, good places to eat and stores and lots of cute streets." And drag queens and men in leather. All of which was true.

By this time we had moved outside into the cold. I thought we were done, but I think the man was so happy to have bagged a true New Yorker, like a prize marlin, he didn't want to let go.

"What else would you recommend for us to do?" the man asked eagerly. I almost wanted to volunteer myself as their personal tour guide, taking them to my favorite spot in Brooklyn, Fulton Ferry Landing, to see the spectacular view. But I couldn't think of one blessed thing to tell them.

The woman said a friend had told them to go to the Russian-Jewish market in Brooklyn. I grimaced a little.

"Oh, is that a bad idea?" the woman said.

"It's not a bad idea," I said, "but it's far...and it's not the best of areas." I was starting to feel protective of my customers. They looked like the kind of people who would end up being mugged and think it was charming.

"If you had one day in New York, what would you do?" Well, now, that's a bad question, because I've spent most of my days in New York, and I'm not big on the touristy things. If they asked a Parisian the same thing in Paris they'd be spat on. I could have steered them to the Staten Island Ferry, which is free and offers a great view during the day, but it was too cold. Heck, they didn't even know what Ground Zero was when I asked them. So, considering the season, I took the easy way out.

"Definitely the tree at Rockefeller Center," I said. By now I was starting to shiver from the cold.

"Oh," the woman said, "we're going to see the Rockettes tomorrow. Isn't that near there?"

"Yes," I said, "and also I would see the windows at Barney's and Bloomingdale's. The displays are all done up for Christmas."

"We saw the Macy's ones today," the man said.

"Well, I'd definitely see the others. They're in the 60s around 3rd and Madison Avenues." Blank looks.

"Now, how do we get to the Village again?" the woman asked. "Chambers and..."

"The 2 from Wall Street to Chambers, the 1 from Chambers to Christopher." The woman repeated it a few times like a mantra.

"And what is there to do there?" the man asked. See? They forgot already. They really did need a sherpa. It confirmed my suspicion that they shouldn't be taking advanced New York classes like haggling at a Russian-Jewish market.

"Good food, cute streets. Just walk around. It's pretty." And witty. And gay.

They thanked me and we parted ways. As I left, naturally a thousand other ideas of what the couple could do in New York came to mind. What would I do if I had one day in New York? To paraphrase Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, you want another answer, ask another New Yorker.