Falling on tone deaf ears

Larry Holmes was a great fighter. Not so much as a singer. When I heard he was scheduled to sing "Brick House" on this episode of But Can They Sing?, I was praying Larry would get knocked out.

Mercifully he did.

But before he was sent on his way, Larry managed to eke out a bizarre, inconsistently homoerotic rendition of "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" with blue Power Ranger hottie Michael Copon. So, who was breaking whose heart? The pronouns kept flip-flopping between "she" and "you" and "I." I think one or both of them just forgot the words. I had to leave the room and get something to drink during that performance. Afterwards celebrity judge Ant aptly said, "don't go breakin' my ears."

Theirs was one of three duets to start the third show. One bad singer is bad enough, but putting two noisemakers together is just cruel. Asian Christmas ornament Bai Ling and Cosa Nostra crooner Carmine Gotti sweated through "Summer Nights." Bai Ling was so into the song she essentially co-opted Carmine, and he didn't even bother to harmonize with her in the big finish. In a rehearsal clip of former General Hospital alums Morgan Fairchild and Antonio Sabato, Jr., Morgan actually said that she had never before heard the song they performed--"I've Had The Time Of My Life," from Dirty Dancing. How is that possible? She must have been busy doing Falcon Crest. This time someone other than Baby should be put in a corner.

I did notice a shift in tone this episode. For the first time host Ahmet Zappa dropped the facade of "oh, now, come on, you can all be good singers!" and warned viewers to watch their ears. Did he think we're all as tone deaf as the performers? Everyone had a better sense of humor about the show. I just kept thinking that I've heard better in karaoke bars, but the difference is that these celebrities could actually get people to pay to see them.

All of the solo performances were exceedingly bad, except for Morgan Fairchild's. She nailed every note of "You're So Vain," a song that could have been about Antonio Sabato, Jr. Michael Copon gave singing a bad name with his Bon Jovi tribute, and Carmine Gotti--"You Remind Me" of a flock of sheep.

Girls may just wanna have fun, but not when Bai Ling is exhorting them to do so. I like her because doesn't have any clue how awful she is. There was even a clip of her crying in rehearsal because she didn't want to sing in the key her coach wanted her to, and she somehow thought she was compromising.

And I'm sorry, but not even a nude performance by Antonio could have rescued his pathetic dose of "Addicted To Love," which I'm sure had the late Robert Palmer rolling over in his grave.

Here are my favorites, in order. One of the celebrities will be voted off next week. I'm sorry I won't be seeing his abs anymore, but Antonio MUST go.

1. Morgan Fairchild, "You're So Vain"
2. Bai Ling, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
3. Michael Copon, "You Give Love A Bad Name"
4. Carmine Gotti, "You Remind Me"
5. Antonio Sabato, "Addicted To Love"

As Donald Trump would say, "Antonio...you're fired!"