Pissed on and off

Hey, parents!

Did you know that early bathroom socialization can help your child in adulthood? If you properly toilet train your sons, you can help them overcome their pathological fear of fecal and other waste materials. Defuse the scariness of scatology so they can grow up to become well-adjusted adults with good personal hygiene. Bring them to the zoo to show them the difference between themselves and their knuckle-scraping, turd-tossing primate cousins living on rocks. Incorporate fun and adventure into your son's bathroom education: give him a quarter for each wad of fallen toilet tissue he picks up off the floor. Teach him difficult-to-master lavatory functions like using toilet seat covers and flushing!

If you do these things, those of us who were properly trained will not feel the need to retch from our toes upon stepping into the men's room at work or be subjected to the following postings in the stalls:



Instilling good grooming habits will also obviate the need to remind your adult child of the need for a little tallow touchup:



Remember, cleanliness is next to godliness, not the fifth circle of hell, where my office bathroom is currently located.