Port Charles Street
by Smokey

Kind Readers,
This week, instead of writing an article on "The Social Ramifications of Time Travel on Soap Societies" (or How can Frank be alive, with no Karen to mix up DL56?) , I'll be turning my column over to my evil twin, "The Bandit", who has some really exciting news!

*********E*X*C*L*U*S*I*V*E*********After weeks of sleeping in a dumpster behind the ABC Studios, I have discovered the the plots and themes for the next book of "Port Charles".  Hold on to your bloomers, folks!

*********FATE IN A BOTTLE********A freak explosion in General Hospital's Nuclear Medicine Department traps all the PC characters in the hospital. Don't worry, the characters from "General Hospital" are not involved since they never associate 
with any one from the half-hour spin-off. In order to create enough people to dig out of their predicament, the amazing medical minds break into the labs to clone the needed extra folks.

Because no one really thinks through or ahead of the current plots, there are some shocking results. However, with this plan, if anyone suddenly vanishes, there will be a spare.   Ian's friend, the Chief, returns from the island to do the narrative.

Because his family thought he was going insane, Frank cloned Karen Wexler  to keep him out of Ferncliff.   Happily, she is then able to be a donor for Arianna. The transplant is performed by Joe with a power drill (as he has previously had a positive experience with this method).

Using Arianna's left over liver, Joe and Ian clone Arianna. They will send the clone to "her country", for her family to kill. That way they won't send anyone else to America.

Eve, selflessly, clones Ian so that Arianna could have one. She then goes into labor and has a lovely girl. Eve, selfishly, clones her little girl so that Kevin and Lucy could finally have a child. Ian thinks about making a cloned combo of Eve and Arianna, so that he could be married to both, without feeling guilty, or being arrested for bigamy.

Chris clones Eve, so that they can finally be together. Dr. Ramsey then clones himself a sister, to explain what the deal is between him and his brother, Jack.

Gabby clones Joe #2 (David Gail), because he is better at fooseball than Joe #3.

Serena clones Christina (from a strand of hair found on Dirty Kitty) as a present for Lucy. Eventually, the three will go one tour as an opening act for 'NSYNK. They will call themselves, "The Cinnamon Sticks".  Kevin stays home to care for the baby.

Neil clones Ozzie & Harriett for parents because he hasn't seen Courtney or Frank in months.  This is especially a good idea since we never saw Ozzie actually "go to work".

Victor, thinking he was taking his daily lithium, accidentally begins to take large doses of Viagra.   Mary begins to find places to hide.  Victor has a mad, passionate fling with Audrey.

Alison clones an African-American version of Amanda, so that Jamal can have a Nana too.  Jamal clones the entire Ward family, so that he can have some decent minority folks as role models and peers.   Victor has a mad, passionate
fling with both Amandas.

Livvy clones her Grandmother, Estelle, because she though it would be cool. Victor and Estelle have a mad, passionate fling. Rachel, who has escaped from her "vacation hide a-way", clones Ryan and Grace so that Livvy could have a REAL family.

Lucy decides to clone Rex Stanton, because there was just something so familiar about him.

Victor, having run out of single women, realizes that he has secretly loved Lucy for years.  He decides to clone a Lucy for himself.  When they emerge from the rubble of GH, the couple decide to open a karaoke/psychic/oxygen bar.  LucyII later adds a Day Spa with personal trainer Richard Simmons, in order to save Jacks Cosmetics, which had been forgotten by the original Lucy.

Kevin, who finds out that LucyI has been keeping him in love with her through herbal teas, and thinks the Victor/LucyII thing is too weird, follows Scotty to another part of GH.  He eventually will retire a billionaire after becoming therapist for the Quartermains, the Cassidines and the Spencers.

"Port Charles" fans, who are visiting the set as part of a fan club outing, clones the writers from "ER", "Touched By An Angel", and "Dharma and Greg".  PC becomes an intelligently written medical drama with spiritual qualities and kooky romance.

Plans for the next book are: ***P.S. From PC***You thought General Homicide was brutal!  Greg Cooper, Julie Morris
Devlin Ramsey, Bennett Devlin, Rex Stanton, DV Vordiso, Rachel Locke, Grace and Ryan Chamberlain form a new group, set on causing as much chaos as possible.  They will call themselves: the Psychotic Society.

***Most of this story is NOT true. No names were changed because there isn't anyone innocent to protect. Any similarities to the actual storyline is purely coincidental, however, if these plots do show up on PC, I will be looking for a royalty check int the mail!***
Steal as much as you can,
"the Bandit"