Monday 29 November
My cousin Teresa intrigues me. She used to be the cute and bubbly one, but recently she's turned into the dark, smart one. I think she spent a great part of her youth (quite successfully) vying for attention and has recently given up. Because it stopped working or she had some revelation that it was pointless is beyond my knowledge. She's nine, I think. I know she's a geek at school and lately she's stopped talking so much in lieu of... I'm not sure what. Just not talking so much. She's turned into something of a perfectionist, refusing to do anything she's going to fail at, no matter how insignificant. Other than that... I'm not sure. I'm not sure what it is about her, but she seems to have gone bitter and that makes me want to know her. Of course if I did know her I'd only encourage this which is probably a bad idea. It's so hard with children, you have to play your cards so exactly. You have to give them exact equal amounts of attention. You can't spoil them too much or be too mean. A lot of what they do just doesn't seem to make sense. Some of their values are gross, but that's only because of their upbringing and because all people see things in black and white up to a certain age. They have an inhuman amount of energy. Anything and everything seems to be interpreted through a haze of comparison with their brothers and sisters. On second thoughts this probably isn't all children, just my cousins. It's hard knowing them, but I would really like to.

This is the better articulated version of something I tried to tell Benjamin tonight. We hung out today which was heaps of fun. He broke the news the other day that he's moving to Sydney in order to work as a second-year apprentice under a world-class chef, Neil Perry. We have talked in the past about how we could just get up and go at any minute and there's not all that much that would be left behind, but it's still something of a shock that he's actually leaving. As well as being saddened by this news I am also considerably excited. He's going to another state to work under a world class chef. He's actually making a move and living a dream which is something I find very, very cool. To get the job he took the old-fashioned, romantic move of writing the chef a letter along the lines of "I am an apprentice chef. I understand that you're the best. I only want to learn from the best. Give me a job, biatch" which is so very cool. It's like something that would only happen in the movies. I wish him all the best. There will be this huge hole in Brisbane without him, but it would be very much worse if he stayed and wasted this. It seems like there are greater things out there for Benjamin and he's going out there and doing them. This was not written to be diplomatic, the man is awesome. I can't complain that I'll be horribly sad when he's gone because that obviously means he's been great while he's been here. I'm going to miss him so much. It will be a hole in my life. I cannot think what would ever replace Benjamin and I don't think I will ever try to. I'm just making myself sad thinking about it. Ah well, one more month which means eight more days of recreation and maybe this won't be the end because it appears that I can't stand the idea of ever not knowing Ben. I don't know the future, but some kind of rosey situation involving him living his dreams and he, myself and Ronnie still being friends sounds pretty good to me. Perhaps Ronnie and myself also living out some dreams should be in there. Yes, I'll get to that straight away. This entry lacks its usual distance, but to hell with the consequences. I care about Benjamin. And everyone else important in my life. You know who you are. You're the ones I talk to. I'm not going to make a list because I have a terrible memory and it's inevitable I will forget somebody with morbid consequences. So, that's pretty much the system. Just so you know, even if I haven't mentioned you in my journal or whatever, if I talk to you I obviously care about you because I don't have the time to be diplomatic. I barely have the time to see all the people I care about, let alone folk I don't care for. Coldness returned. Welcome to Chloetown, population about 20.

Thursday 25 November
So my last few days have been spent having coniption fits at the idea of any kind of planned activity. As such I have been at home. Today I hung out with my Mum and rode my bike and made dahl. It was alright! Tomorrow I am probably going on a date with Mark. That should be a-okay!

Sunday 21 November
I wonder did I just put a robot on my Brisbane shirt to be more socially acceptable or is it because I genuinely like robots? An intriguing question. I have been getting weird/bad reactions from people for my shirt. I liked it as is and I like it with a robot on it so I guess it doesn't really matter. Also the alterations I made means that it now fits better and that can only be a good thing.

What made me wonder this is that my journal entry was initially going to read something like "Pay out my Brisbane shirt no more - now with robot!". But then I thought "If I liked the shirt in the first place, why should it matter to me that people don't like it to the point where I would put a robot on it to make it amusing/ironic? I may as well have just stopped wearing the shirt. And not wearing a shirt because other people don't like it is crap." But then I thought "But I do like robots and I like the way that the shirt looks now." And then I thought "It's true, I definitely do like robots and the current format of the shirt, but do I like the way that the shirt looks now because it's "cool" or do I like it because it appeals to my own taste?" And this is the question I cannot answer. In some ways making a shirt that I like and that other people too will now like feels like something of a compromise and I'm not sure if that's a compromise that I should have felt that I had to make. I do however still like the shirt and I may or may not wear it in the future.

And I am in no way blaming anyone else for pressuring me into putting a robot on my shirt, for that is not what happened. It is definitely something inside of myself, some kind of lack of self confidence I guess, that would make me feel like I would have to do that. I am almost certain that nobody else cares.

Sunday 21 November
Reflections on being Australian part #3
When one is Australian, one often has to put up with jokes like this. One may even begrudgingly enjoy them. I know I did:

What it means to be an Australian:

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery , there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be solved by leaving the food behind.

From Ozjokes.com

Friday 19 November
So this time I really am finished uni. I read all of my coursework for the subject last night and this morning (except for some irrelevant bits on famous furniture) and then this afternoon I wrote my assignment. I got it in two minutes early and my appendices one minute late. And then I re-submitted about eight minutes late with correct referencing. It was quite easy once I started writing and I don't know why I was freaking out so much. Well I do know, I was freaking out because I had to write something that I didn't know the answer to and I wasn't sure I would get away with it. Fortunately once I started writing I discovered the answer and from that point on it was easy. I was really really freaking out this morning and I rang Mark so I could talk to somebody and get somewhat out of my own head, but he wasn't home so instead I talked to Dave and he was really awesome about it and I am so grateful that he was there. He's a good man. When I called he was playing X Box instead of studying for his test. He'll probably still get a seven. Tonight after his test he's going to get drunk to celebrate because it is his last. Actually last night he got drunk as well, to celebrate that he only had one more test. He makes me laugh.

Thursday 18 November
My day with Ronnie was really good. It turned into a day with Ronnie and Leo. That was really good. Leo has a crush on a girl at Vege Cafe who he enjoys admiring from afar. That's pretty cute. At one stage Ronnie and I witnessed seven white police men and women escorting one aboriginal guy down the road. It was incredibly excessive considering how under-staffed they seem to be the rest of the time. That was bad. I enjoyed going around all these old valley shops looking for work for Ronnie. It was fun. We saw Grace twice. That was good. I bought these fluro plastic bangles in the shape of barbed wire. They were good. You know it was just a good day. Ronnie and I are going to be recording a Christmas album. I hope that will be good as well.

Thursday 18 November
Howard,
I confess
I'm scared and lonely and tired

Thursday 18 November
Reflections on what it means to be an Australian part #2
The age of fourteen would have to have been so far the height of my patriotism, yet somehow it was also a peak in my hatred of all humanity.

Thursday 18 November
Me + Grace + Ronnie = Wow!!
A Concerned Friends of Woodley song was played on the Morphine and Icecream show on 4ZzZ! I am very proud!

Wednesday 17 November
Do I believe that Weetbix is an intrinsic part of Australian culture because the ads have been telling me that for my whole life or is it in fact an intrinsic part of the Australian culture? If the latter, have the ads just been playing upon this the whole time or did Weetbix become an intrinsic part of the Australian culture because the ads made everyone believe it and any mass delusion is truth?

I can remember the moment when I started questioning Weetbix. Until that point I had innocently believed that Weetbix was Australia and Australians ate Weetbix. A New Zealander shone light on this delusion. She had spent her life believing that Weetbix was an intrinsic part of the New Zealand culture. Coming to Australia had thus been an enormous disappointment (on all counts, she really hated the place). She told me a song that they used to sing:

Kiwi kids
Are Weetbix kids
Kiwi kids
Are Weetbix kids!

It is hard to trust in a capitalist democracy. People have too much reason to want to twist your mind.

I'm going to Jon's to swim! It will be super!

Tuesday 16 November
I just downloaded Commander Keen (and Captain Comic and Lemmings 3D) and it was just like riding a bike. I loaded it up and it all immediately came back to me. The graphics aren't quite as amazing as I remember them, but that is to be expected. They are pretty super for 1991. And it runs on my computer! I am going to have some cool fun not doing these assignments.

Tuesday 16 November
Bad news x2
I have somehow lost eight kilograms, which puts me back to where I was before I put on that weight.
I have to do my last assignment if I want to pass.

Good news x2
Time to eat more!
I probably just won't do it.

Edit: That's six kilograms, I can't do maths

Thursday 11 November
Thank you Benjamin! That reminds me: I am hungry, I do want pancakes for breakfast! I will be meeting you later for a little shopping!

Wednesday 10 November
What a thoroughly disheartening end to sociology. Basically I didn't make it. The last piece of assessment I handed in was very late and quite unfinished and the one after that I am hoping to get excused for or I am just not doing. All suckola. So I am not going back next year because it seems that I'm not quite ready to handle anything as stressful as (ooh!) a university assignment. And I can only study at Sgee's. That's crap. I really liked university and I hate that I'm not capable of doing it. I should be able to do university, it seems that I'm smart enough, but nooooo, I had to go and be all crazy and get depressed at the whiff of anything with a deadline. Freaking suck. I freaking suck. The situation freaking sucks. It's all suck.

Wednesday 10 November
These two photos have recently appeared on my parents dresser. I think they sum up perceptions of me and my sister quite well (mouseover to reveal the truth).

Wednesday 10 November
I keep logging on to Ronnie's journal. Every day it's the same message: Ronnie had a good day, he had a good last couple of days and that this is the last post. I'm happy with that, it was a good last post, but I'm having trouble letting go. Goodbye Journal Underground.

Tuesday 9 November
(put an X next to the things you haven't done)

(_) BEEN DRUNK
(X) SMOKED POT - well this one time I had a drag of a spliff but I don't think that counts
(_) KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(_) KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(X) CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(X) BEEN TO JAPAN
(_) RODE IN A TAXI
(X) HAD ANAL SEX
(_) HAD SEX
(_) HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(_) BEEN DUMPED
(X) SHOPLIFTED
(X) BEEN FIRED
(X) BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT (not seriously anyway)
(_) HAD A THREESOME
(_) SNEAKED OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(X) BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(X) BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING
(_) PISSED ON MYSELF
(X) HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(X) BEEN ARRESTED
(_) MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(_) STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(X) CELEBRATED NEW YEARS IN TIME SQUARE
(X) GONE ON A BLIND DATE
(_) HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(X) CELEBRATED MARDI-GRAS IN NEW ORLEANS
(X) BEEN TO EUROPE
(_) SKIPPED SCHOOL
(_) SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(_) CUT MYSELF ON PURPOSE
(X) HAD SEX AT THE OFFICE
(X) BEEN MARRIED
(X) BEEN DIVORCED
(X) HAD SEX WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON WITHIN THE SAME WEEK
(X) POSED NUDE
(X) GOT SOMEONE DRUNK JUST TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM
(X) HAD SEX WITH MY BOSS
(X) DATED MY ROOMMATE
(X) BEEN FISTED AND/OR HAVE NEVER FISTED ANYONE
(X) THROWN UP IN A BAR
(X) SLEPT WITH AN EX

Conclusion: I'm pretty boring. I guess that's why I'm sitting at home waiting for the O.C. by reading people's online journals and filling out quizzes.

Tuesday 9 November
Today was a really good day!
Have I ever told you about my garlic plant? This one time I bought an over-ripe garlic and it started sprouting in the cupboard, so I planted it. Within a couple of days two shoots had come up and now there's like 6 shoots. In six months, according to my mother, it will grow a new garlic for every shoot. At first I didn't know where the new garlics would appear on the plant, but then I went to Ben's work (fun night, good pizza, thank you Benjamin) and saw the dried garlics with their enormous shoots hanging up and the baby garlics that had started to grow in those shoots and I understood. Recently the rain has done the garlic plant a world of good! In six months (here's hoping I'm still with Mark, for it is planted in his garden) I will harvest it and I will have to figure out how to dry it like the garlics at Ben's work. William named it after the house's real estate agent, but I can't remember what that guy's name is. And that is everything I can tell you about my garlic plant right now.

Sunday 7 November

This was taken from the Friday 29th October edition of the Courier Mail.

Woman 'raped on mall bench'
Paula Doneman and Jasmin Lill

A YOUNG woman was raped on a Queen Street Mall bench in Brisbane's city heart metres away from her friends, a court was told yesterday.
The woman, 19, was lying on the bench about 10pm on Wednesday after she had been drinking at a nightclub.
She awoke to find a man on top of her, raping her.
A witness alerted police and a man was arrested.
He appeared in Brisbane Magistrate's Court yesterday charged with rape.
Police prosecutory Lynee Asher said witnesses saw the man put his hand up the woman's skirt and inside her underpants.
She said there was alleged to have been penetration.
Magistrate Noel Nunan: In the Mall at 10pm?
Sgt Asher: Yes, Your Worship. It's just quite a brazen offence in public view.
Sgt Asher said there was also video evidence.
She opposed bail for the man, 26, saying he was already on bail for an assault occasioning bodily harm for which he was due to appear in court next year.
An interpreter was in court to translate for the man, who is studying English.
Defence counsel David Kolbe said the man had no previous convictions for failing to appear in court.
Mr Numan agreed to grant bail on the conditions the man live at his current address and report to Fortitude Valley police twice a week.
He was ordered to reappear before court in December.
Security video footage showed about 20 people dressed in black "Goth" clothes within about 5m of the incident but it was unclear whether they noticed the incident.
It also shows several other people passing by the bench in the mall near David Jones between the Pig 'n' Whistle tavern and a stage.
Acting Supt Ray Pringle said the alleged attack was "far from a common occurence" and the fact that police made an arrest at the scene showed the CBD was "staffed by an adequate number of police".
Women will march through city streets tonight for the annual Reclaim the Night procession to heighten awareness about sexual violence.

Not only is the story itself shocking and weird, but the way that they presented it was really off as well. First of all it was really poorly written, although this doesn't really distinguish it from any other story printed in the Courier Mail. Secondly I found it a little off that they hinted that the rapist was a foreigner. Admittedly before that I did have the image of the rapist as some dumb, private school, football jock who believed that he deserved sex because life had taught him that he deserved just about everything else, but a little logic would have soon revealed that it could never have been that person. Dumb, private school, football jocks don't get charged for raping people on benches because their Daddy knows the Magistrate and it never gets reported because their Daddy's friend runs the paper. Also these people are much more behind doors than that. OK, that seems unusually unfair. I've been friends with some of these people and they're not as bad as all that. My point was, a while back that it seems irrelevant that the rapist came from another country. It seems really defensive of the paper that they needed to clarify that. It also seems defensive that they had to clarify that there were enough police in the CBD with really poor evidence like one guy was arrested for a really brazen crime. I believe from my own limited experience that there really aren't enough police in the CBD, as much as I don't want to see any more policepeople about. Last but not least: in all honesty what did the goths have to do with it?

Sunday 7 November
The other day I was at some art opening for one of Sgee's friends. Anyway, so I ran into Matt Davies. Now that guy makes me nervous, even though he's pretty gentle with me. So the big news is that we were talking and he didn't intimidate me at all. And we had some kind of normal conversation. And that thing that Tamara said, when you start talking about architecture to people they'll get bored, it happened. She warned me but I didn't listen. But I don't really care, because I had a normal conversation with Matt and that makes me happy.

Thursday 4 November
So with the milk thing, I think you'll all be relieved to know that I have consumed about four fifths of the milk. For breakfast I had some weetbix and then after lunch I consumed a strawberry, tinned apples and icecream milk shake that tasted curiously like custard.

#Tuesday November 9 - I finished the milk late that night by making some custard. The custard was really very good. I just thought you'd like to know.

Thursday 4 November
I have to drink a litre of milk today. If I were Mark I would go "chug chug chug chug chug" and it would be all gone. As it is I am Chloe so I will pace myself.

Wednesday 3 November
How bizarre/annoying/good. My [email protected] account just got a free upgrade to 250mb. -?!?!?!?!?!
Why? And why not my smeg_head86 account which I've had with them for four years, never let lapse and obviously needs it more. I'm so confused. Should I change accounts? .....?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!