Sunday 23 November
This time tomorrow* I'm going to be on a plane! On the way to a holiday in the mountains with my two best friends!! And another really cool chick! With a really cool hat!! I have butterflies in my stomach.
This is tonic! Ronnie and I have devised countless games to limit everyone's fun, there's going to be a holiday mixtape, I'll have a chance to subject everyone else to my taste in music - it's a mountain, you can't escape guys - Ben's going to cook, there'll be underage drinking, underage smoking, underage FUN and maybe even an infectious disease!! Thrilling! It's not just the typhoid that's making me crap my pants.
All in all, TREMENDOUS!
*What I'm doing up this early is anyone's guess, really.

Saturday 22 November
All Hallows' certainly knows how to draw out a graduation. The final final final graduation ceremony was yesterday (ie. the final assembly where the school says goodbye) and now I am out of there with my piece of paper and All Hallows' key ring. Sad to say I couldn't feel any emotion for everything I was leaving behind. I did, however, feel rather hungry and extremely excited to be leaving. Big trouble. But I figured, while I wasn't listening to Ms Perry regurgitate last year's speech, I should be true to my emotions and thus smiling at my graduation was no big crime. Besides, it's kind of like the second coming. I'm separating the wheat from the chaff, the sheep from the goats. If those people truly mean something to me I'll keep in contact with them without the bullshit interface of boring classes and endless praying. Yay for leaving school!
"Class of 2003 - We did it!" -Elle Woods

Oh yeah and I was extremely chuffed when my form teacher said I had "eclectic" taste in music. I think she was impressed when I named 6 bands with food in their names off the top of my head including Cherry Cherry and the Export Data and My Friend the Chocolate Cake.

Thursday 20 November (ungodly early)
Big relief. It was just hormones! Now I can be human again.
The end.

Wednesday 19 November (the evening)
The gun? That's for the niggers!
Shiney people. Wonderful, wonderful shiney people. Today was good, but like all of my days of late I have a good time and then leave feeling like shit. Strange.
Ran into Carmen Anseldo on the bus. She's so beautiful now and much more interesting than in highschool. She appears to have broken out of the All Hallows' mould into a more interesting mould, but it's a mould all the same. I hope that one day she finds something that's just her. Like her art. She should be more like one of her paintings.
Saw an awful but hilarious horror movie today. It was so full of soulless people doing soulless things that you kind of felt gratified when they all died of the horrible disease in the end. I enjoyed it immensely.

Wednesday 19 November
I graduated last night. Hung out with Altec all night which was fairly hilarious, especially given that it was just a fairly hilarious night. During mass they made the mistake of not only having liturgical dancing, but of having Beth Barber liturgically dance. Not only is this funny in itself, but she was literally shaking with pent up laughter, as was just about everybody else in the room. The Bishop was old and squinty and kept mixing up words in the most hilarious way, especially if you have an inappropriately dirty mind. Seeing Katie Doney sprinkling holy water in a completely vicious fashion also made me smile. Rose's parents walking into the church (good in itself) like they were movie stars was another highlight. Mass was good though, especially given that afterwards for some reason the whole of our grade rushed outside onto the Terrace and gave the largest rendition of jumping jive that I've ever seen around our school captains holding up the school banner. Awesome. From there we moved to the Convention centre. The food was delicious (especially the Bernaise sauce) and Altec and I managed to try everything by swapping half with each other. Good plan, Stan. In the actual part where we went up to get our certificates they showed our ID photo as we walked up. These were photos that were taken at the end of our first exam block in grade 10. Train wrecks everywhere. Especially in Coolock house for some reason. Altec and I took much pleasure in rating them, just as we rated our principal's speech like it was a Modern History talk (C- due to overuse of quotes without follow-up analysis). The school captain's speech was better, especially as she quoted Dr Seuss in the end. Sheer genius. And the coolest part of the night was that we could hear a band practising in the next room. A toilet trip revealed a clearer sound as well as the band's identity: Powderfinger. That's right, Powderfinger turned up to my graduation. Perfect.

Monday 17 November
I feel that no matter how content I am with the present my past is always going to catch up with me. The only solution, as far as I can see, is to work through said past so it no longer affects me. This task seems rather daunting to say the least.
I guess as I see it I have made a lot of stupid mistakes whose ramifications are still being felt today. But obviously I can't change what I've done and who's to say that if I had another chance that I would have chosen anything better? I could have ended up a normal! That would have been the worst thing in the world.
So I guess I just have to go on ignoring it and clinging onto the good times or grasp the nettle and see what can be done. I certainly know which seems more appealing. Maybe I'll take a "stick with what you know" approach and just keep going. Who knows, with all this angst I could become a great writer yet.*

*This writing is in relation to the fact that I'm getting kind of sick of my extreme mood swings over matters of varying (usually small) importance.

Sunday 16 November
rex jackson says:
i reckon i'd make the best dad
rex jackson says:
i'd sell my kids on the black market :)
what do pineapples taste like in space? says:
hahahaa!
what do pineapples taste like in space? says:
yes!
what do pineapples taste like in space? says:
but you'd sell them into respectable slavers and that's all that matters
rex jackson says:
i am either absolutely mad or i am joking

-Jon

Sunday 16 November
Diggin' it. I have a lightsabre. Watch out evil-doers.

Thursday 13 November
Certain people found certain messages offensive - you know who you are - and this is the subsequent act of censorship.
"i masturbated today... twice! how cute am i!?" -Jon

Thursday 13 November
I'm sorry I let you go through that, Boz. I really am, we knew it was dumb, but we did it anyway.
But that's the thing, we knew it was dumb. We knew exactly what we were getting into and why it was bad and why it was good and we did it anyway. We even knew what was happening as it went along. And yes, as predicted, it hurts. But the important thing was that we weighed it up and we made our choice. Do you remember why we chose it?
the emotions thing?
Yeah. Man, having emotions is hard but I love it.
I know
And we end up like this, but it's so worth it. It's like everything from this point onwards is more real or something. We owe it to Ben and more importantly I think we owe thanks to ourselves. This is something that's really important to me and I'm thankful for it. Thank god we got out of that relationship with Nick (talk about emotionally damaging), we got past all that grade 11 stuff, we got out of highschool, we've gotten past all that shit and we survived! We made it! We rock! We've done pretty well since then, haven't we?
Yeah, we done good.
Love ya Boz.
You too, bozzy. We're a team.

Do you blame Nick for everything that happened?
I tend to blame him for a lot, but not everything, no.
He was good at heart.
I know.
But it hurt so much, didn't it? And your self-esteem not being what it should and all. It just got messed up. I hope it doesn't work out the same way with Hannah. I still don't understand how he can claim to be in love and then move on so quickly.
But that's not the point, is it?
It's not. *sigh* a lot of shitty things have happened. A lot. And that was just the intensity of shitness that was really only the icing on the cake. We were never that healthy to begin with and we just couldn't deal. I know we hurt him a lot. But I think that now I trust my instinct to push him away. It was just too much. Goddamnit, we're only seventeen. He's not even seventeen. It's like he wants it all, RIGHT NOW. He's always been ahead with his schooling and all that, but he never really learned patience with things. Or social skills for that matter. Now there's a boy lacking in social graces. I don't know why someone would want to be so damned grown up all the time, but that's just something in him that one learns to appreciate.
Yes, until it gets in the way and starts to really hurt one.
Yes. And it did hurt. I wasn't ready for that kind of a relationship, there was a lot in it that was kind of fucked up. He's a boy who's essentially sixteen and in some respects even younger, yet there's so much of him that's moved ahead already.
It was cool finding out that our parents loved us, hey?
Yeah, that was great. Hard to deal with, kind of, but... *shrugs* I'm still getting used to it. I don't think I could ever really open up to them though.
That's OK, nobody's asking you to. There's so much about you that they just don't know. I guess that's why they don't know how to deal with you.
I still don't think we should change that.
No. They're not ready and I don't think that they'll ever be. But we're kind of on the cusp of things right now and I think that when we're a bit older we can find some kind of honest relationship with some good people and they can be your family. Like moving on to the next generation. I hope it's Ronnie and Ben, hey.
Yeah. Speaking of things previously mentioned... we need a break from things.
I know we do.
I love your idea of not ever going out with somebody that you don't like ever again. I think if we go out with somebody it should be somebody that we fall for in a major way like Ben. Somebody who opens up new areas to us. But let's not let it be Ben. Me and him work better as friends and that's too important.
I know.
So when we find this new person... we have to go for it. We've learnt that at least. And we have to not be scared that we'll fuck it up - surefire way to lose it. We just have to hold hands with it in the park, smile when it's around and think about it when it's not around. We have to be ourselves and hope that it's being itself too. We have to carry it with us as if it were a raw egg in our pocket. I don't know when it's going to happen or even if, I don't know if it's going to be forever, but I do know that next time around we have to wait for the right person. Even if he never comes, that will be good enough for me.

Tuesday 11 November
I was studying for SOR when I came across this.
The rest of the website seems fairly serious. I don't know whether to laugh or run away. Fortunately I can do both. I do like the quote, however:
"Sin has not only been a favorite pastime of humans throughout the ages, but a favorite topic of artists as well! Maybe this has something to do with the fact that most artists are amoral, shiftless oddballs who seem to take perverse pleasure in being on the margins of civilized society. Except Norman Rockwell. He was a real artist! Not like this "modern art" you see everywhere! And Michaelangelo!"

Monday 10 November
Two very exciting things happened today. First of all I finished classes... FOREVER! You heard me baby. No more Maths, no more English, no more sitting there literally feeling my brain atrophying. The horrible part of school is all over. Now two exams, then graduation, then the next exciting thing that happened in my day: The Blue Mountains!
Ronnie, Ben, Grace and myself are all going to the Blue Mountains for a week after school ends! As Ben put it: "It's all about good food, good friends and a damn good time." Too right.
This is an artist's impression of us all on the plane:

Sunday 9 November
I think it would be best at this point to note that the below comments were a result of my unfortunate insane-leanings in the days following any kind of contact with Nick. They were unfair and the world is indeed not operating to bring me down. Any further comments I have made to that effect in the last day should also be discounted. I am extremely sorry if I have hurt anyone as a result or indeed ever. Erm, it's probably best to avoid me in the next couple of days also.
All my love
Chloe

Sunday 9 November
I've decided that it probably wasn't a personal attack, so I probably won't take it personally.

Sunday 9 November
This is the extent of my hate.

AARGH!! Why do I let him get to me so much? Arsehole.


Good things did come out of last night. Got to know Liesl better and it turns out she's the kind of girl who likes playing with toys. Cool. Also resolved my strange conflict with Eric, which is good. Strange because I think we hated each other but we'd only really met once and then only briefly. That's about the extent of our relationship thus far. Meet. Hate. Resolve. I'm interested to see where it goes from here. Still it's good not to be fighting with him.
Aside from that... in serious need of a human fix. And running short on patience for sneaky, pretend-to-be-nice-and-then-be-sureptitously-mean non-humans. OK, the world's not a conspiracy against me, but still I'm mad. Yes go ahead and call me unreasonable, but I'd much rather a fight like me and Eric's where both parties are just mean to each other instead of this pretending to be reasonable nonsense. How did I manage to fall for it again? That's the big question. Every time I start to think thing's a human he fucking comes out with some sneaky underhanded way to make me feel like complete shit and remind me that he's seriously not. Maybe I'm taking this too personally. Fuck that too.

Wednesday 5 November
What was grade nine like? Grade nine can be best described by telling you about the voice in my head who convinced me I was beyond worthless everytime I so much as looked at a girl. Grade nine was hating myself and cutting myself; a series of constant recriminations for the slightest slip up. Grade nine can best be personified by guilt. Or worse than that, a deep, personal shame. It was wanting one of my friends so badly and hating myself for it. I couldn't just turn my feelings off, though I eventually learned how, and I didn't stop the voice in my head because I thought I deserved it. That was the thing. I probably could have stopped it at any stage but I kept on as a kind of punishment and because I thought that it would one day make me a better person. From that point on it spread to everything. I had to be the perfect person. I had to be beautiful, I had to be happy and I had to be smart. Most importantly I had to be nice to EVERYONE. The slightest slip-up in that department led to harrowing guilt. I felt bad enough for secretly liking girls to even contemplate being mean to them, with the one major exception of Rosemary. Fuck I was mean to her. All my vitriol was directed towards this one person. Other than that I think I pretty much decided that if I couldn't change the fact that I liked girls, then I had to be perfect in every other way to make up for it. Unfortunately nobody's perfect and needless to say this plan failed.

Good things about grade nine:
Liberty
DAAS
Getting into music
Getting into trouble
"No Regrets"
Talking with Claire on MSN
Being into the whole comedy circuit
Coming out of my shell and having heaps of fun

I can see why it was necessary, but I wouldn't do it again.

*Back then: you must go along and be happy!
Now: You don't have to go, Boz, but I'm asking you. You don't have to talk to anyone, you don't have to do anything, hell I'm not even asking you to have a good time! Just go along and see what happens.

Back then: Have a good time! No Regrets!
Now: Do whatever you like so long as you don't hurt anyone else or yourself (the yourself was added in recently)

la la la! It's my journal and I can do what I want with it!
I spent this afternoon with Ben and Ronnie and THEY ARE DA BOM!
I never really figured out what that meant.
But they're good! They're sooo good! If you guys are reading this... know that I would choose you over deep-fried, synthetic potato fat. In fact I would even choose you over Ben's cooking. Now that's saying something! I lurve youse guys!

I think I sometimes forget that Kim's a school friend. This must be a sign of her worth as a human being. I wonder if she reads this...

Time to go to bed.

Wednesday 5 November
"Sometimes we kill crickets thinking they're cockroaches. The time has come to tread carefully."
- Paul McDermott (1999)

Monday, 3 November
Had a fantastic weekend. Friday night was a Halloween party at Jon's friend's house (I'm not even going to attempt to spell her name). Jon went as Edward Scissorhands. He even did the hand actions. It was good! I went as a Maths teacher, which was the scariest thing I could think of in ten minutes. There was the cutest grade tenner there by the name of Greta who threw up. That's such a thing to do when you're the youngest person there. She was nice.
Saturday night was spent seeing a fairly poor movie (Japanese Story) with Ronnie. There is now a Subway at Indooroopilly. Things are looking up! Good times were spent on the top of the carpark. It was a wonderfully clear night with lots of stars and fresh air. In a fairly obscure corner we found a seed has at some time past found some dirt. The result is a tree that against all odds has sprouted. Makes me smile to think that when we're gone nature will take over again. In my mind at least, without a dominant species the earth will be left for some time in chaos until new natural orders spring up and the earth is once again in a state of equilibrium. That's the plan anyway. It was fun just hanging out with Ronnie. I don't understand why my mother doesn't want me to go anywhere to just hang out, because those are the best times. I suppose she thinks that we do have a plan and that it's being up to no good. Really it was just CPR (don't get any ideas! It was perfectly innocent!), joking around like a couple of crazy kids and making a sign. Oh yeah and for some reason my Dad called in the middle of this and believed, despite the clarity of my voice and obvious lack of movie soundtrack, that I was still in the movies. Like four hours after it had started. It's true what they say about self-deception.
Yesterday afternoon was spent with Ronnie and Ben doing nothing in particular. Shout out to Ben and his new look. I am kind of amused that me, Ben and Ronnie are now the kind of friends who wear matching clothing. That's only because Ben is "the best of Ronnie and myself... and nothing more." I, on the other hand, choose to speak entirely now in Ronnie quotes. But I guess that we make our choices and that's the price you pay for living.
In latest news I have thought of a cool name for a band! "Disposable Teen." I'm thinking though that I probably just heard it somewhere. Still, if it's obscure enough or from a wanky enough book it'd be more than viable. Now for music talent.*

*Quick update: it's a Marilyn Manson song. Damnit!

Wednesday 29 October
The SAI's are up. Genevieve is first or second in all of her subjects (go Bibu!) though English is still up in the air. As the only subject that everyone does I am curious to see how that goes.

For me the news is good! It seems that the God of good grades has smiled on me:
Maths A - HA - complete surprise as I thought I was failing!
Economics - HA - another pleasant surprise, as they seem to have picked up my grade 11 mark and ignored my two terms of failing!!
Maths B - LA - no surprise there :)
Modern History - SA - life goes on
Biology - HA - a little disappointing, but pretty much what I was expecting
Study of Religion - HA - what the?! This is an excellent mistake on the part of the faculty! Not only have I failed many items of assessment this year, but on one paper I even wrote Mr Dickh Colledge (his name is Richard). There is little love lost between us. I am extremely happy with this mark!
For English I'm expecting a HA or in extremely fortunate circumstances a VHA. It's unlikely but not out of the question.

Wednesday, 29 October
I don't understand why I spent so many years of my life not listening to Sister Hazel!
*laughs*
I AM A SHAMELESS POP WHORE!

Everyone's happy again and it's great! I'm going to school again for the first time in 5 days and I have to say, I'm excited. Who would have thunk it? Yay my biology test! Wish me luck!