Tuesday 28 October again

Instructions: Answer only in song titles from one certain band/artist

I chose: The Doug Anthony Allstars

1. Are you male or female? There Is Nothing Like A Dame
2. Describe yourself: It's A Business
3. How do some people feel about you? SATANDEVILBEELZEBUB
4. How do you feel about yourself? Gorby The Balding Hippie
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: Good Christian Girl
6. Where would you rather be? The Eternal Diner
7. Describe what you want to be: I Wanna Spill The Blood of a Hippie
8. Describe how you feel about your family: We're A Family
9. Describe how you live: Surfing Down The Ganges
10. Describe how you love: Carnal Carnival
11. Share a few words of wisdom: Stay Away From The Window

Wednesday, 28 October
I was just reading over my old journal. It was really interesting. There was so much that I was trying to hide, yet at the same time it seemed like I really wanted someone to understand it. I think I wrote it all as a kind of record for myself. Some things can be recorded but never truly explained. How do you sum up the feeling, for instance, that you think you've finally found somebody like you at All Hallows' but they're dying of terminal cancer?
Something that's struck me is that I've grown up a lot since then. Also that I have fewer friends, but that they're better friends. Another thing I know is that I'm going to find a way out of here. I've been trying to better myself all this time and I'm still determined to change. I once wrote something like:
I hate being a bitchy, sobbing, ungrateful girl.
And I hate taking it out on others.
I think I'll go watch some TV.
That still stands. I'm not really like that anymore - Little Ms PMS - but the idea that I can be there for someone else instead of them always having to be there for me is still extremely attractive. The only problem is that I really don't know how. I wish being there for other people was as easy as they make it look in the movies, but it terrifies me. I'm always scared that I may not be doing a good enough job or that I may not be doing anything at all. I think the dramatic pace of change in my life has left me feeling like I'm fumbling around in the dark a lot of the time. Never really getting a grasp of the old before moving onto the new. I don't usually stick around long enough for it to get to the point where I can help someone or even be particularly close to them (with a few major exceptions), so the experience is still a foreign one to me. Even though I'm not sure how to do it - hell, I'm not even sure if I know the meaning of a give and take relationship - I'm determined that this is something I'll learn. And I know that I have to get out there and make it work because nobody else is going to do it for me. 'luck Boz.
Ronnie reads me like a book. Like a fucking book. I've always wanted that. Someone who didn't pull the shit. This is up there with falling asleep in someone's arms. Thank you Ronnie for being such a champion.
Why do I fall apart so easily? Life is suffering and I'm no Buddhist. I'm not giving up on life, I'm going to learn to deal with it.

Monday, 27 October
I play so much Minesweeper nowadays that I can't close my eyes to sleep because all I see is this ongoing game which I can't help but play. What's worse is that I'm fairly sure it will last forever because I can't see the edges.
Time to find a new hobby.

Sunday 26 October
you: COLOUR! WAHEY!

Apparently that's not quite it, but I like.

Wednesday 22 October This is a brief update, because it's not every day you get a picture that you've drawn SOLD ON A G-STRING! Observe: http://www.cafeshops.com/toowoombaiscool Wednesday 22 October Today was... surprising. That's really the only word for it. Kim explained to me why I was wrong about punk music. I was secretly manically grinning the whole time because I knew she was right and it was about time she told me to get fucked concerning music. About time a whole lot of people told me to get fucked if you want to get techncial about it, but I don't think I'd enjoy it nearly as much. Today was whole-school assembly day. There was a really entertaining prayer in which four rows of grade 10s were sitting on the stage holding up signs saying stuff like "Karma" and (I kid you not) "Your Parents Love You" while Savage Garden's "Affirmation" played. In a musical section in the middle of the songs they fed us messages of hope illustrated with cute puppy dogs and at the end every single one of them held up a sign that said "Love". Too good. I love that these people were being serious. Like, Dead serious. I feed off their enthusiasm. There was one line in the song that went something like "I believe that trust is more important than monogomy" and Dermie said that they should have held up a row of signs that said "Fuck Who You Want." Laugh my freaking arse off!

If only. See that's one of those things that's worth getting in trouble for it's that funny. Sometimes I wish Dermie were more proactive at times. Purely for my own amusement of course, fuck her. She'd never do anything for anyone else anyway. Well at least that's the impression she tries to give off. She's such a badarse, but she loves her Mum. Isn't that always the way? I guess her Mum's a bit of a badarse too.
Anyway, another section of assembly (oh yay! Let's all relive a school assembly!) was an ex-All Hallows' girl talking to us about that teen cancer organisation CanTeen. Fair enough. Anyway, this girl casually walks up to the stage with her converse and her CanTeen bandanas tied around her waist like it's no big deal and when she turns around my mouth literally drops open. It's Elizabeth Mahon. Fuck. I haven't seen this girl in 2 years and what's she done in that time but gone and got herself cancer. Even without her hair she's still as gorgeous as ever with that brilliant smile that danced in her eyes even when she was getting in trouble and a grace that couldn't even be disguised by the All Hallows' uniform. Not that she got into that much trouble. That was more the reserve of her equally gorgeous best friend with a surley, grungy manner that in just a few girls is nothing short of irresistable. Every day they'd walk past loser's lane (reserve of all loser grade 10's for many generations) to get to the tuckshop and every day I was sure I'd be spotted. They'd walk past and I was always paranoid that they'd hear how loud my heart was beating and know exactly what I was thinking. Looking back I doubt they even noticed I was there. This is all so cliched, but damn I loved those girls. I loved the way that whenever you saw them they always seemed to be having fun. Just the two of them in their own little world, laughing on the library steps or absorbed in conversation on their way to class. You could just imagine them sharing in-jokes, laughing about the stupid things they did when they were younger or spending the night in deep conversation staring at the stars. They were good.

Sunday, 19 October
Went to Ronnie's first gig on Friday night. He is good. He's a really fine performer. A bit nervous at first, but he really blew them away with some of his songs. And this is impressive because believe me, they were not an ideal audience! Nice work Ronnie, many more experienced artists would have died with that crowd!
The gig was set at a pirate-themed 30th birthday around an outdoor fire. I have to say that Ben, Ronnie and myself were probably the best looking people there and certainly the best dressed! We seem to have that problem wherever we go ;)
How happy does that emoticon look in this font!! Observe:

Wednesday 15 October
I'm at a very dangerous time in my life. A very dangerous time. It's that time where I know I can put my hair in piggy tails, but I should be old enough to know better.
Sayuri, an email is coming.

Tuesday, 14 October
Presenters ask the stupidest of Questions
By Chloe Emerson

Presenters ask the stupidest of questions
I'll concede it's just a part of their profession
But I'm beginning to suspect
There's no room here for respect
So I lie.

I'll admit I'm not a middle-aged tranny
And I never slept with Brighton from The Nanny
I'm not religious, nor dead
And it's even been said
That I'm a Buddhist
I'm not, I'm a plant

Wednesday, 8 October

I did not doctor this picture.

Tuesday, 7 October
A man spoke to me from a moving car today. I believe his exact words were: "Vroonirtporeqrrrrrrraaaaaaainnnnnnninininheh."
I hate it when they get all deep and meaningful.
But this is the third time it's happened to me in the space of four days! All of a sudden in the eyes of the sort of people who yell out of the sides of cars, I am some sort of god. I am the deity of easy target. Awesome!
Speaking of people who are inappropriately other people's gods... smooth work, don't think anyone noticed that one... WHAT THE HELL IS IT WITH KENMORE BOYS?! I was talking to bogan Matt and he was telling me about all the girls he's been attracting lately. No offense to him, but "some folks'll never eat a skunk and then again some folk'll..." This is insane! Ah well, all the best to him and I hope he finds a girl who'll treat him nicely. Talking to him the other day I also realised that he's an extremely sensible boy! Like real-world smart. That's cool. That's something you can really admire about someone.

Monday 6 October How was my day? I finally got around to asking Genevieve if she was interested or not. ...........................................................! ...........................................!! Woah! I can't believe I did that! It's not like it was planned as such either, it just kind of came up that she wished she had a "field of suitors" and I said that I'd go out with her in my own round about way. Although I got rejected I'm glad that I asked. I'm glad that my heart was racing at a million miles an hour, my palms were sweating, time slowed down... kind of like a case of food poisoning but with more of a feeling of elation at the end. It was good! So that's that, she's pretty much not interested. I have satisfied my curiosity and now I can move on. Excellent! Good! Went back to school and all that. It was daunting and exhausting. I can't believe how much I eat nowadays. I had so much food but I spent the entire day freaking starving! All of my friends seem to have gotten through the holidays in one piece and yeah, things are good. School wasn't (surprise, surprise) as bad as I thought it was going to be. Back on the inside :) And also props to Jon: Liz Phair's "Fuck and Run" is one of the best songs I've heard in a long time.

Sunday 5 October
It's over. Phew. And with less than the usual amounts of tears and exercise.
Never
Let
Yourself
Get
Into
That
Situation
Again
D'ya hear?
Yesterday was a real eye-opener. One of those days that doesn't quite fit together. It was getting the wrong day, tracking down a priest, smiling to myself, eating mulberries, seeing somebody get hit by a car, derisive laughter from the window of another car, new shoes, playing with little cousins, bed. And I slept. Oh glorious sleep, let's never fight again.
Seeing somebody get hit by a car was horrible. I saw the exact moment of impact, the body spasming like it had abandoned all natural law pertaining to bodies - those forces one normally takes so well for granted - and had become something less than human. I saw her bones fly out at odd angles like when you let go of a puppet, then she was on the ground. And that's all she was, a body. The moment that car hit her she had ceased to be a person and had become more of an object. Something to be played with, broken, put back together. People crowded around, somebody called an ambulance and I just stood there knowing that there was nothing I could do. I hope that person's alright. As I walked away I heard the wail of the ambulance and all I wanted to do was pray for her. Old habits die hard.*

*I realised after posting this that I should give a shout out to all those people who helped her. They were really good to her; caring. Just goes to show that in times of trouble people really will be there for you.