Friday 19 March 2004.
Have you read to your children today?

So on James' advice (again. He knows his stuff, that boy.) I have cut my resume down to one page. Really I only cut out the most wanky section and lost the rest in creative editing. I hope that means that Subway will want me.

I woke up today and my mother was home. It was such a pleasant way to start the day, though I did have to talk a little early for my liking. My mother is meant to be writing a unit at the moment but instead she's doing the washing.

My Mum complains about her job, but I just walked past her room (breakfast was in the middle of this post) and she's lying in bed reading.

Ronnie asked recently where I met all these new and interesting people I'm always referring to. Would anybody believe me if I told them that Brisbane was just friendly?

Speaking of, he took me to my first lecture! It was screenwriting and it was really fun! The lecturer gave a very passionate monologue about screenwriting (and in the end the question I'm asking you is this: What kind of a screenwriter do you want to be?) and spent the rest of the lecture (before and after) trying to cover this passion with dry, self-deprecating humour. He also had to spend a lot of time covering himself because he couldn't remember the names of things and had a couple of those annoying picky students who want everything to be correct. Well really they want everyone to think that they're smarter than the lecturer because they're ahead of him on points of useless information, but anyway. A lot of what the lecturer said was really interesting. I had no idea that Looking For Alibrandi had ever been considered brave. And he got me thinking that a lot of Australian movies that I had seen did have a massive change of pace in the middle. Especially the one that started off as a very English look at the class system in rich outback Australia and ended up a ridiculous zombie/vampire movie. Or Moulin Rouge. Or that Matt Day movie where he's a miner or something. Anyway! Anyway, I really enjoyed hearing this guy talk speak. It was nice hearing somebody who knew their stuff talk about something that I knew nothing about. And in the classroom atmosphere - you know the one, bored yet interested, slightly oppressive, university's meant to be better than this, why does that person keep putting up their hand? - I rediscovered my ability to doodle! I drew two arms and a rose. Wahey! There was actually a lot more that happened - Grace brought alcohol, Ronnie drew the coolest fish that ate its face that ate its fish or something, some guy talked to me right in the middle of the lecture... it's just that Ronnie wrote about it so much better. http://www.foetuspost.com/ju/. Read it! And the rest. You will not regret my advice.

Sgee asked me (concerning previous comments) if I really did consider him my boyfriend. No, not really. He's just some guy who's really comfortable to be around who I make out with sometimes. I like him, I don't want what we have to end, but I don't think he's my boyfriend.

Hey guess what! I was watching Catalyst (cool name for a science show) and it turns out that our generation is 15 IQ points smarter than our parents. Right on! It's all in the field of lateral thinking, too, which is really cool because I think it'd be boring if it just turned out we had better memories or something.

And Julienne tell me again how funny I am when I spin around... And Julienne tell me again how funny I am to you. And why they treat me like they do. And why I can't have you. Oo-hoo Oh oo-hoo Oh oo-hoo How funny I am to you.

Reading over that there was so much stuff that I missed out that I was meant to write about. Sorry.

Monday 15 March

Friday 12 March
I haven't spent a whole lot of time writing in this journal of late. That's pretty much followed from a general lack of motivation. Last Friday (capital letters before the names of things) I quit my job and I haven't really done anything since. There was no point in going on - gastroenterology was dead to me. The Gremlin (capital letters denote a sign of respect. This one was misplaced.) had taken over and assigned me to folding letters into envelopes duty which meant not only was I not getting paid (and probably Never Would Be) but I also wasn't learning anything. A godsend when you're feeling lost and confused but I wasn't going to stay that way forever.
My questions to the world were only getting more stupid. Everything I did was being questioned by a new voice with a horribly well-developed sense of what was and wasn't socially acceptable. And instead of questioning why I was doing something, it was rather harshly suggesting that there was a lot that I should change. But who was I changing for? The voice told me that I had slid into a world where I dumbly accepted that people liked me and that this was simply unlikely. People are polite, it told me, and don't like to point out character flaws, rather leaving friendships to waste in hoping they will just go away. I hate being insecure. Everyone hates insecure people, they're such a fucking drag to be around. Mental instability has never been and will never be attractive, not even in good looking people.
So I didn't leave the house.
And then I finally did, if only to piss off my mother.
And then I discovered in a kind of head-slapping "well, d'uh" way that being around people was fun. And that they probably did like me in spite of my perceived flaws. And really when you're around people you don't even think about that stuff, you just sit back and laugh and be friends. And that was Wednesday night. Or Tuesday, I don't remember.
Last night (Thursday? Greenday? Seachange?) I went to Jon's. Like all my recent outings I can't exactly pinpoint what we did, but it sure was fun! No wait, we listened to the Spice Girls! Ham in your face!! He fed me, I helped on his English (which secretly was fine and really all I did was change a bit of punctuation around and add a few sentences, but I remember what it was like being in grade 12 and wishing other people would write my assignments for me because I couldn't possibly be writing anything good so I was happy to oblige) and we sat around and Jon briefly talked like a real man! "So Hot." We laughed heaps and slept in the same bed (which was alright, but seriously Jon I've had better ) and in the morning his Mum woke us up with breakfast, which was unbelievable! It's freaking grand hanging out at the Ellis'. (Stop now if you've heard me saying this before...) You can eat what you like so long as you get it yourself and nobody adopts any social graces. His sister Gem especially walks around in her pyjamas and burps loudly just like a real sister. His Mum actually talks to you without all that being polite Mum stuff. Saying that, if people don't want to talk to you they just don't. You don't have to do anything if you don't want to. Jon's a good host in that he doesn't make me uncomfortable with all that hosting. He's the only one of my friends who has a room as messy as mine (well, almost as messy) too. Any trip to the Ellis' is good, uncomplicated fun.

Wednesday 10 March
Just try not to think about the white rabbit and the rest will follow.

Tuesday 9 March
Entry: fetid
Function: adjective
Definition: foul
Synonyms: corrupt, fusty, grody, gross, icky, loathsome, lousy, malodorous, mephitic, noisome, noxious, offensive, putrid, rancid, rank, reeking, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, rotten, smelly, stenchy, stinking, stinky, strong, yecchy, yucky
Antonyms: aromatic, fragrant, fresh, sweet
Concept: odor (bad)

Sunday 7 March
L is for the lies we told
F is for the fun we have together
R is for the Rummy that we play
A is for the answers to my questions
And N is for the nasal things you say
Well, since I last posted I've... been inconvenienced, smiled, deteriorated, questioned everything, ignored conclusions, quit my job, questioned questioning process, risked life and limb, sat between the legs of a boy talking to his mother, lazed, ridden dangerously, constructed signs, had signs destroyed, conversed, smiled, came to conclusions.
The overall feelings have been of restlessness and frustration later replaced by other feelings of general well-being.

Seven hours of folding letters into envelopes delivered layers of questions ending around about here:

1. If it gets to the stage where others' flaws seem insurmountable, should one be proactive and discuss faults in the hope that they will change or is it that your friendship isn't worth them changing an intrinsic, albeit possibly negative, part of their personality?
Tentative answer (in the guise of another question): Or is it possible to see the supposed "flaws" in others, accept them as fundamental differences and still be their friends?

2. Am I going to be less hurt if I accept the "flaws" (recognising them as fundamental differences in opinion which through the personal convictions brought about by the myriad of influences in your upbringing you read as flaws) in others and continue friendships or will the end result be just that much more painful for knowing one had spotted them so early on?
Tentative answer: it's worth finding out. Knowing people's faults and still liking them, though logically flawed, seems like it could border on supposed "real friendship." Could be horribly wrong. Shitting myself in the process.

I don't know if I should post this. Everyone will think I was thinking about their faults. Please don't be paranoid little kittens. I love you all, I just need to know why.
I can't seem to get that "Muffy" song out of my head. That is one catchy tune.

There's so much to write, yet so little. Maybe I'll just go to bed.

One final question: is it still art if you quote Courtney Love?

Wednesday 3 March
I was just thinking and it's weird that I always knew what a penis was but didn't even know there was any kind of female reproductive organs until I was eleven. In one of the more embarrassing moments of my life we'd just finished a puberty talk that was vague enough for me to think that people hit an age where they started bleeding instead of peeing (?) and I was going on about how vague the information we were given was and how weird it was that we did start bleeding instead of peeing for a good five minutes before somebody gently explained to me there was "another hole." It took another year and a whole new level of sex ed for me to understand what this "other hole" was. Then comes highschool and I learn for the first time what that vital connection between sex (within marriage) and (Catholic) babies really is. But back to my initial concern. How did I know so much about the penis and yet could have missed the vagina altogether? I mean, it's not like I'm a boy. I do have a vagina. How did I not know it was there? What did I miss that verse in the body parts songs? An entire part of my body I obviously never had any interest in. Or maybe it just wasn't there. Are people born with vaginas or do they get them at puberty? A mystery.

Tuesday 2 March
This will be short as I have injured myself.
I am not "with" M. Free, but he's an incredibly cool guy.
My ultra-conservative uncle (oldest on my Mum's side) has thrown Finch tradition to the wind and is getting married in the middle of a cyclone tomorrow. He rang his closest brother with the news yesterday. That sure came out of left field!

further:

I'm almost certain that there is no great controlling force looking out over humanity anymore. That's what the huge change was that I spoke about in my journal previously. A guy I met a few nights after told me that not enough people were acknowledging "the source". Either that was "the source" itself giving me a message or a coincidence. It doesn't make much difference. At this stage there is now such a thing as coincidence and humans are in control. It certainly makes things less interesting, but I think I'm used to it now and hey, I could even grow to like it. And hey, I could even be entirely wrong! On thinking further it might even be a change in the balance of power. Since that huge change weird stuff hasn't stopped happening, it just appears to be less enormous-coincidence related and more people empowered with extraordinary abilities related. Cool! This probably means that those blessed are meant to figure out for themselves what to do with them, though. I don't know if there's enough awareness for that, but we'll see. Also I think it's probably too early to disregard fate entirely.
P.S. I know how this reads, I just don't care.

February 04
January 04
December 03
November 03
September 03