Monday 29 December
It's hard to trust people when you're told to view all of your friends as potential rapists.

Ronnie drew some potential cover art for a Concrete River/You know we'd be perfect together double A-side. It amused me greatly and I hope we get to use it. In fact it's well within my power to make that happen. Rad.

Sunday, 28 December
I am feeling unbelievably indie today! I think my afternoon with Markus has reawakened this inside of me. Sometimes it's fun to pretend.
Anyway, I was sitting on the bus listening to Zak and Sara (not particularly indie and really not at all related) by Ben Folds and thinking about how when I first heard it I completely empathised with Sara's character. For those of you who don't know it it's essentially what's going through this girl's head as she sits on a Peavey amp waiting for her friend (I think best friend) to stop playing guitar. It's not said straight out but I always get an image of her endless patience while he struts around pulling solos and the like. Essential boy showing off stuff. Anyway, she's sitting there killing time and pretending to be impressed while the whole time inside her head all this amazing stuff is going on and she's kicking some arse on the imaginary plane. Sitting on the bus listening to it made me smile at the memory. It was kind of fun at the time feeling like a complete musician's girlfriend stereotype and imagining all this insane stuff. That kind of inner rebellion and the endless amusement that's having voices in your head. Those were good times.

Sunday, 28 December
My sister told me the other day that you can only be great if you're prepared to express what's inside you. Another Disney moment in the Emerson household. It's really interesting to see how she's changed of late. For most of her teenage years you could tell that she felt trapped by the situation she was in. Didn't get on with her parents, struggling to be anything in the social scene at All Hallows', working hard to pull kind of average marks. Finding her independence has done her a world of good. It's not just moving out that's done it, but realising that she doesn't have to be anything more than herself. All through highschool Helen rejected popular music because everyone else was doing it and she always felt intimidated by the fact that if she liked music she would be scrutinised for it. In such a competitive environment it's hard to live up to people's standards so a lot of people just don't try. Now Helen listens to music because no-one will judge her on it. It's just something she genuinely enjoys doing. This is the change that has occured since she gained her independence. Now that she doesn't feel so scrutinised it's freed her up to do a heap of things she never would have tried before. She plays sport, revels in the fact that she's a complete nerd, makes ridiculous purchases, that sort of thing. She also seems to have become more philosophical. Wants to find the place where she belongs. I think this was probably what she always wanted but now that she's being herself it's more likely to find her.

Tuesday 23 December
I finally felt the Christmas spirit last night when Ronnie came over and he, my sister and I put up the Christmas tree. We always had it beaten into us as kids that Christmas was about Jesus being expelled from his mother's body to lie in his own placenta goop in a pile of hay but I reckon it's more about family. Aww. I'm really looking forward to seeing all my relatives again and hearing the same old jokes (I've got some real shockers to share this year)*; seeing my cousin Angela get pissed and bitch about her love life; hearing about how "you'd have to be a pussy to drink VB" and listening in as all of my cousin Ben's girls ring him to wish a Merry Christmas. There's no pavlova this year (turns out my sister was making it for her own damn party), but there will undoubtedly be the usual rush on the icecream. You think we'd learn that 16 litres just isn't going to cut it but every year somebody misses out. I was thinking about it and it seems that every year since I was about twelve I turn up with a whole new look. When I was twelve it would have been overalls. Thirteen - jeans and those unfortunate geek sandals. Fourteen - black, "sauve" and colorado's. Fifteen - army pants and colorado's. Sixteen - hardcore (doc marten's). Seventeen - indie (return to colorado's). Eighteen... probably the first year I'll wear a skirt. And different shoes. I sure did like those Colorados. This was going somewhere but I can't actually remember now. Anyhow, Christmas is good.

Thursday 18 December
It looks like I'm going to have a job. This should be interesting. Like, genuinely interesting. I feel kind of stagnant not having learnt an awful lot in the last couple of weeks, so I'm looking forward to this kind of experience. Also what I do learn will definitely come in handy in finding work in the future. If it comes through (and apparently they're "very interested" in me) then I'll be doing secretarial work in a hospital on a trial period starting January 12. Cool. But I haven't definitely got it yet so I'll try not to count my chickens. Also I won't get paid unless I prove to be invaluable and they decide to actually employ me, rather than just exploit me. Hopefully that time will come soon.

Wednesday 17 December
My uncle Jonathon has a phobia of buttons. When he comes across a pile of buttons it makes him physically ill. My friend Jonathon has an aversion to apple skin. After taking a bite of an apple he screws up his face and holds the skin in his mouth. He must first accustom himself to it before continuing on. Another friend Jonathon is a complete nerd. He is an exceptionally nice person. Once, long ago, he fell for my friend Rachelle who rejected him because of his nerdly features. She attracts the best guys on the force of her personality, but will never go out with them. She's used to having an attractive personality, but thinks she's fat and is looking for a guy who will value her for her looks. Thus she wants to go out with a Maorian footballer. I think within a week of this shallow kind of relationship she would finally realise what she has as a person and will go out with one of the many who fall for her true self.
I said that Rachelle was my friend, but the reality is that we haven't been friends for most of this year. I cannot understand why somebody so intelligent and downright human would pursue the shallow world she so craves. People always seem to chase the unattainable.
Rachelle was one of the first people I became friends with at All Hallows'. Through sheer coincidence I ended up at her thirteenth birthday party and we remained friends. I pretty much met all my other friends from there. I've spent hours discussing people, poetry, philosophy and other similar 'p' words with her. She was once a huge DAAS fan. She could never stand it when people didn't shut doors loud enough so that she could hear it. We used to do all sorts of crazy things together. Grade 11 Maths B was wasted at her side. Most lunchtimes were spent in stitches of laughter over god knows what. There is a video somewhere of the both of us in pink dresses dancing to "Beauty School Dropout." She couldn't stop laughing about the line in that song "You'll join a stellar crew." I still don't understand. I hope somebody has burnt that video. I cried with her when we first received our senior badges, glad that for my years of All Hallows' I had had a true friend. We parted ways a few months later when I could no longer bear to see what she had become.
Between receiving our senior badges and the actual fun of grade 12 she spent a lot of time with my arch-nemesis Rhiannon Stanley. Sometime over the course of the Christmas holidays they became best friends and things were never the same. In trying to emulate Rhi, Rachelle hid the best parts of her personality in favour of crass in-jokes and revealing garments. The two of them also wouldn't let up about masturbation. If it hadn't have been for that I might have stayed. It's the little things that will drive a man insane.

Wednesday 17 December
Just for something new I'm going to discuss the last week of my life... in quiz form!*

-T H E . B A S I C S . .
[Using Grace's name, write an acrostic poem describing the main events of your week]:
goodness,
raving#
appeals to
chloe
emerson.

excited
vagrants
eccentrically
lavish
yea,
nonsensical

crazy
harem
rivalling
intensity of
sixteen
tapdancers.
it
never
appeared

not
your
everyday

[in the morning i am]: well, on Tuesday morning (this one and last) I went with Ronnie to record a song with a guy he knew called Tim.
[all i need is]: Cool edit 2000, apparently.
[love is]: 5 hours of recording one song. It can be nothing but a labour of love.
[im afraid of]: Pissing Tim off. Without him we'd probably have to do something drastic like pay for recording time.
[i dream about]: Getting Ronnie a gig and maybe even on the radio. That would be exciting. Maybe even being a successful manager. Yes, that's quite a dream, Johnny. Never lose sight of your dreams. Without them the world is but a cruel, hard shell and you are no longer living, merely biding your time until all is lost.

-H A V E .Y O U. E V E R . .
[gone to a sleepover at Chantelle Clarke's place for a few hours and ended up staying the night, made macaroni and cheese by the light of a mobile phone, discussed Johhny Depp for nigh on an hour and explored Corinda by moonlight?] Why, yes.
[spent a pleasant afternoon at a friend's birthday party meeting new people, lying on a trampoline, listening to Burt Bacharach^, crazy dancing and talking to Alea, Jonno and Will Feney?]: Funny you should ask. You left out looking around and realising that you liked everyone there and thinking that was good. [Hey! This is my quiz and I'll make up the damn questions!!]
[had sex]: Not this week
[made love]: Not recently
[been in love]: Also something that did not occur this week. Although I have spent a lot of this week admiring the beautiful people around me there was no love beyond the love I feel for my friends. That's pretty good love.
[lied]: I lied in the acrostic poem.

-W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R-
[coke or pepsi]: The coke I had at Eve's this afternoon was super! I kept losing my cup. I hope she doesn't hate me for it.
[flowers or candy]: Flowers because they scream when you eat them. Haha.
[tall or short]: This week I ran into many objects of many different sizes. All of them hurt. Let this be a lesson to you all on the dangers of discrimination.

-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. /. S A M E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: This week, as always, I noticed the shoes. Eve was wearing green converse this afternoon because she got them as a birthday present from her boyfriend, James (the least attractive James I have ever met). This does not mean I'm attracted to Eve, just that they were particularly good shoes.
[last person u slow danced with]: I believe that I briefly slow danced with Melinda at the rave. She sure was nice.

*Thank you Grace for the quiz I plagiarised off your journal
#technically "doofing"
^as well as the Beatles, The White Stripes, Ben Folds Five, Gemma's mixtape of goodness including Bohemian Rhapsody and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. The music this afternoon was so good to dance to!

Well that sure was fun. Eat your greens little ones. I will never tell you why.

Monday 15 December

This is Tabaluga

This is Tabaluga, notice how he's kinda small and green.
Good old Tabaluga, hero of the fire and flame.
When things are looking dicey, danger isn't nicey,
All we have to do is call your name.
We need you Tabaluga. We need you and how.
Come and save us Tabaluga 'cos we're in a lot of trouble now.

And there goes Arkatos and all his cronies,
And even they're not nice.
They're always working to turn this planet
Into a great big block of ice.
We love Tabaluga, you'll be a grown up dragon soon.
You're practising your flying and if you keep on trying,
Oneday you'll reach the moon.
Oh we need you Tabaluga. We need you and how.
We can do it Tabaluga. Together we can do it somehow.

Monday 8 December
This entry is A LIE!

Sunday 7 December
Ruining a perfectly good black shirt? You don't know how indie I am.

Saturday 6 December
So sick. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been hit over the head with a sledgehammer the night before. To the best of my knowledge this didn't happen.
I feel much better now and have had a surprisingly pleasant day. My sister came over with a copy of Worms 3D (incredibly hard, but SO COOL). We played that for a while though neither of us really got the hang of it. Tonight I look forward to seeing my cousins and the return of the Gilmore Girls. I may just have to insist we watch it while we're there and "make Helen watch it with me" *winks*. Surprise call from Genevieve this afternoon enquiring (yes, she enquires) whether I would be attending the Big Day Out and may she come with me. Duh. Turned into an hour long conversation and gives me hope that we will continue to be friends after highschool. So far on those stakes I've talked to half the people I wish to remain friends with which is excellent.
So definitely a good day. I am sorry, however, that I didn't make it to Sekiden and hope that I haven't insulted anyone with my absence. Perhaps some other time at some other instore?

Friday 5 December
I'm at Ronnie's!

"That's some fast typing!"
"Yeah, I type fast."

"Do you want a peanut?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Like, a shelled peanut? Or an unshelled peanut? I mean, like, one with the shell still on it?"
"What a weird day."

"They're either shelled or they're unshelled, guys."

Thursday 4 December
Holy Mackeroli! I did it! I finally tuned my own guitar!

Wednesday 3 December
I got HA's in everything except Maths B! Woohoo!
This means I mustn't have failed anything in last term and I must have gotten an A on my Barbie assignment. Go me!

Tuesday 2 December
I think that if I'm going to be friends with Ben I need to trust him. I need to trust that he's not going to hurt me. This waiting around ready for him to screw up really doesn't show a healthy friendship.
In good news this should be relatively easy because he's never hurt you in the past. It's always been a case of you interpreting his actions in a way that screams that he doesn't care for you. I'm no longer going to deny that friendship with Ben is important, but I can see that you've been oversensitive and waiting for him to screw up for a long time. This is probably what it means when you say it matters too much to you. Not that it matters, but that you've taken a fatalist viewpoint because anything that's important to you couldn't possibly not hurt. Just as you will never try if people can see you and you don't know if you're going to succeed. I think that Ben's a great guy and I don't think he'll ever set out to hurt you. I doubt he would even do it unintentionally as he seems to be extremely conscious of others around him. So it's time to give him a chance and be a true friend to him. Maybe that's the one thing he needs. He really hasn't done that well with people in the past, or so it seems. This is all despite the fact that he tries so hard. It's just that no-one thinks anything of him. How awful. Well, I don't know that for sure. In fact I have absolutely no evidence besides my own experience. *shrugs* it sucks that he hasn't maintained any friendships anyway.
On a side note, I don't know if this is for sure but I think that Ronnie's been doing the same thing. Maybe talk to him?

I just expressed it so well:
"I'm just going to work on the assumption that he's a good guy from now on."
:) I'll leave it now.

Tuesday 2 December
The best thing about the Blue Mountains was the people there. They were also the most interesting thing. Wentworth Falls, although initially a site of great triumph in the field of exploration, has not since been noted for its excitement.

The people (in alphabetical order):

Benjamin (Fuzzy): Ben is our God of cooking. He really was. He cooked some of the most goddamn scrumptious food I have ever seen. Seen being the operative word. It just so happens that on the very week in which I would have an opportunity to exclusively eat Benjamin's food ALL GODDAMN DAY IF I WANTED, I managed to contract a stomach bug. Aargh! I still enjoyed watching him cook. Without even batting an eyelid (a general cooking must), he could turn the most banal meal into a masterpiece. In my eyes his crowning achievement was his canned soup. Not only was it about the only thing that I didn't end up vomiting, but it was the most delicious canned soup I have ever tasted. It was better than the real pumpkin soup my mother makes with real pumpkins and real cream. Now my mother is no bum cook, but that day in that can of soup there was some kind of Benjamin magic which made something that should have tasted like pig's vomit into the most delicious pumpkin soup of my life. Need I say more?
Not only was Ben our God of cooking, but he was the organiser, the leader, the master of shuffling, the minister for good times. He wasn't just the grease that kept things running smoothly but the goddamn cogs as well. It's quite fortunate, really, that his name comes so close to the start of the alphabet because he deserves a lot of the credit. I didn't plan it like that, but if he had have been organising this post undoubtedly he would have. When I leant back on some bricks and split open my head it was him who found the ice, comforted me and cleaned up all the blood. I don't remember much of that, but I do remember feeling incredibly safe in his arms as he helped me up the stairs and into bed. I know I owe him a lot for that night, for the entirity of the week and indeed our friendship. Quite a guy.
Falling asleep in his arms to the cacophonious breathing of one who shall be nameless will remain one of the better memories of my life. Definitely in the top 5. And I've been in the same room as Paul McDermott.

Busdriver: This guy was great. He kept driving us places, which was rather nice of him, and one time he gave us the guided tour in which he paid out pretty much everyone in the town. He told us that he loved the Blue Mountains because he'd found himself too alternative for Sydney. Wow.

Courtney Love: At this point Courtney Love deserves a special mention as the woman who precipitated the Pagan Ritual with her fourteen year old girl angst-rock band Hole. I don't quite remember what it is that we wished for, but with our table salt, our butter knife dagger, our altar of light (Ronnie's crazy flower ball) and the things we loved (Doc Martens, Lindt Chocolate, CD's) all to the soundtrack of Hole I'd say we have about as much chance as... well your average fourteen year old girl who's read a Fiona Horne book and enacted a pagan ritual. "I beseech thee, Goddess of Light, to banish thy acne and make Jake Somners fall in love with me because he's the hottest spunk ever and I will die if he doesn't ask me to the dance!" Positive thinking on the path of truth, guys!

Flower Buddies: This goes out to all my flower buddies and the nights spent talking until four in the morning on the mattresses in front of the fire. Right on!

Grace (laughing girl): Grace was sooo cute! My favourite thing about Grace was when we'd brush our teeth together on the steps. When Grace wasn't being adorably cute she was being incredibly indie or she was asleep. It was amazing the places she'd been and the stuff that she'd seen. And she sure showed that snotty school child until it came back with the term "Newfy". You can't win 'em all.
Grace made us listen to so much good music. She even had a Modest Mouse CD! I think she's the reason Ben wants to be Indie now. Don't blame him. It's also Grace's fault that we now all own hats. Ben stole her hat so she found a new one (which Ronnie was later eying off something sinister) which led to Ronnie and I also buying hats. There are now four hats amongst the four of us which works out well except two of them are Grace's. Fortunately she and Ben should be living together soon so they'll probably be able to share.

Italian Guy in King's Cross: King's Cross' reputation preceeds it. Despite assurances that it was just like the Valley but with less of a Chinese element I was initially extremely wary of the five minute walk I would have to partake through it to get to my cousin's work. Quite a trek. I was warned to keep my eyes down and step over the junkies. I took that seriously, though now I'm thinking that it was probably a joke. Like all good five minute walks, mine took more like half an hour as I got horribly lost by mixing up the terms "left" and "right" not once, but three times. In my lostness I managed to meet a whole bunch of really cool people, most notably the "Italian Guy in King's Cross." After my first wrong turn I found myself in a dingy convenience store looking for directions. Unfortunately, despite the fact that it was open, there didn't seem to be anybody around. Timidly I called for assistance and was just about to leave when somebody came up behind me and asked if I was OK. Certain that I was being attacked by one of the aforementioned junkies I almost jumped out of my skin. I turned around to find not a knife-wielding heroin-addict but your quintessential 40 year old Italian storeowner stereotype. Realising my mistake I started laughing which set him off and he gave me a big hug until the both of us had calmed down. He then gave me directions and I set off on my way. That is the story of the Italian Guy in King's Cross. I also met a really cool gay guy, a German lady with her kid and was snubbed by a posh-looking family who were keeping their eyes to the ground and stepping over the junkies.

Ronnie (Weirdo). Ratking. White Hottie. Ronnie Ronnster: Ronnie was another man of good times. He made us go into comic stores (yay!) and introduced the game of Kings. This was the drinking card game with which we managed to between the four of us almost finish off a bottle of Vodka in half an hour. Good times, honey. He was another person I ended up sleeping next to. The inuendo when he said something along the lines of "I'm so obvious. Chloe put her arm around me and now I'm just using her" was hilarious. It can all be explained with the knowledge that he was making me scratch his back. Total back whore, that boy. Ben you've been far too good to the boy.
Through the week Ronnie was in a bad way, but luckily with the rest of us around him he pulled through, though undoubtedly he would have made it on his own. It hurts to see him like that.
Ronnie's the person I managed to spend the most quality time with. Now it feels like there's some kind of greater understanding between us. That's another one of those "best things" to come out of the trip. Growing closer to anybody's good, especially somebody as cool as the Ronnster.
Hanging out with Ronnie was extremely relaxed. Talking to him in the picturesque back garden with killer bugs buzzing around us in the sunshine was hopelessly enjoyable despite the circumstances. I think that Ronnie would be someone who you could hang out with on Death Row.

School students on the bus: They were hilarious! We ran into them on the bus one time on the way back from Katoomba. They gave us funny names, including my personal favourite insult of "booby knicker"! I'm definitely going to use that in the future. It got to the point where Ronnie (big trouble!) leaned over and addressed them all with the question "Have you ever considered changing? It's just that people might like you more if you do." Faced!

Stoned guys in music store: More humour and the perfect alleyway. Simply Brilliant!

Those were the good folks of the Blue Mountains and the reason that I had such a splendid time. It will be interesting to see where life pans out from here. Hopefully only in good directions with good friends and as good a times as these. To be honest I'm secretly hoping that I'll still be as good (if not better) friends with these people when I'm old. We'll see what happens.