Sunday 29 February
So what was I saying? Sayuri doesn't want to talk to me. Ever again. And the laughable thing is because I'm too good, apparently. What do I have to do for conversation, commit genocide? It's weird not to have her there, but I can't help feeling that if I hadn't have been so slow in writing emails it wouldn't have gotten so fucked up. Actually by that line of reasoning quick emails would only would have prolonged the inevitable. Eh. So yeah, now she's shut me out of her life and, although I know it's for the best, I worry that there's no-one left looking out for her. Not even that, I know that plenty of people care for her, I just get the impression she lets pitiful few of them know her. Like the way that nobody thinks she has a sense of humour. I can't even imagine knowing her name and not knowing that! Still, in this situation, I know the only thing I can do is keep away and I guess that's what I have to do. Stupid life-things.

I went back to school the other day to see my English teacher and... painful. Not that I don't like the woman, just so much of my neuroses got tied up in English for whatever reason. I think it's something that I knew I should have been able to do and it frustrated me that I could never pull more than a B in her class. Anyhow we had a bit of a chinwag for a good maybe hour and yeah, interesting stuff. I never EVER picked that she was ex-All Hallows'. Most people have that stamped all over them but somehow she managed to, at least in my mind, pick up a "Coast School" tag. She told me that the gay tolerance levels at All Hallows' had picked up which is fairly awesome. That it's improving at all is a miracle, let alone the difference I saw in the five short years I was there and apparently in the few months since I've left. Go AHS! There'll be some girl lovin' there yet. I have to say sitting there talking to her as an equal about gay tolerance levels was beyond my wildest imaginings. I didn't like being confronted with someone who believed that I still had issues with the world. Sorry kids, I seem to have opted for the path of least resistance. You'll just have to go hungry this year. I think the most intense moment for me was asking whether or not she thought I was a good writer. That mattered far too much to me. She said yes, but...
*shrugs*

That's some of the stuff that's been going on in my life, but by no means all. That's pretty indicative of the rest of the journal, actually. There's a lot of stuff I can't write because it's other people's stuff. Their story to tell kind of deal. Then there's a whole heap of stuff that I'm not reflecting on at the moment that I happen to find time to sit down to my computer. Then there's a whole heap of stuff that's just plain uninteresting. Makes for only a fraction of the story, but that's all you're getting, suckers.

The Jumping Swallow, dreamt by Ronnie, drawn by Benjamin.

The Story (in the words of the dreamer)
Forest in Germany. Very cool shadows and lights - lots of sun going through mist. Talking to a defined but not muscly boy in his 20s with blonde hair - might have been named Thorn (was definitely a boy, although in 20s). We were walking. I told him about Hungry Jacks; he told me that in that forest, they had the Jumping Swallow as their equivalent. And lo - we saw the Swallow, through a patch of trees. It had very pale bricks for its walls, and quite deep brown tiling for its roof (slanted). 'The Jumping Swallow' was written in white-on-red Jester writing (the Elizabethan England type). Medium sign. Through the windows, which were fogged, you could see people inside on couches drinking hot soft drinks, and I knew that all the meals were cooked on wood fires.

The Critique:
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
there's a picture of the swallow now?!
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
no one even knows half of what it looks like!
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
I feel so betrayed!
We drank ourselves to sleep 'cause the papercuts hurt. says:
Benjamin drew it the other night
I love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
oh, that one.
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
*eye roll* *whatEVER* *real man my ass*
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
THAT one.
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
SURRRREE.
We drank ourselves to sleep 'cause the papercuts hurt. says:
hahahaa!
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
THAT's the jumping swallow. yes sirree.
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
there is not a DOUBT in my MIND.
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
SIGH.
....
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
The thing I really like about Ben's picture is the swallows on the doors.
I Love You, But I've Chosen Darkness says:
Though the twin swallows are nowhere to be found in the real place.

Sunday 29 February
Hmmm, it seems that Ronnie knows me better than I know myself. Things haven't been bad, but I've been down. And I did freak out after I went to bed at his house, I just didn't really think about it. *shrugs* no big deal. I kind of like the idea of having my shit called from outside sources. Something you only read about in books. Hey and it looks like I'm with Sgee. Maybe.
Cool.

Saturday 28 February
My Dad just told me he "Doesn't want to live in filth anymore." What a wonderful way to hint that I should clean the floors!

Googlism:
Travis is the guy to call
Ronnie is 100% correct
Chole is angry at first
Grace is for transexuals too
Benjamin is not short of victims
Benjamin is a worm

Random thoughts:
Time stopped and I didn't even see her.
6.5% of the population of Brisbane work at the RBH.
There was something else, but I forgot it.

Friday 27 February
B. Hallward says:
mostly with me its "i like your hair"
B. Hallward says:
randoms say it a lot
insipid little fuck. says:
oh I see
insipid little fuck. says:
well I'm glad you don't belt them
B. Hallward says:
yeah i usually say thanks and smile
B. Hallward says:
i am trying to start saying "thanks i like your face"
B. Hallward says:
but i haven't road tested it yet
insipid little fuck. says:
what if they're real ugly?
B. Hallward says:
then maybe i will be the first to say it

Tuesday 24 February
Because Mark's a whinging bastard, here's an entry about him. And a picture!

Tuesday 24 February
As per Ronnie's request I invited a lifelong friend and treasured enemy to his inconveniently timed party. Her name is Katie Doney and I so very much look forward to seeing her. I spend the interim (or at least have spent the time since I called her) wondering why it works so well in my head when logic says that it shouldn't work at all. I also wonder why we don't talk more often when we so obviously have a lot in common. Probably because we can't stand each other. Just before grade twelve Katie and I had this wonderful conversation where we a) discovered we both didn't get what was the big freaking deal about sex and b) discovered we were both bitter and hateful towards each other and agreed as an act of friendship to tell each other to fuck off whenever we didn't want to talk. This kind of honesty is probably why we're still friends today.

Tuesday 24 February
This is my dedication to extraordinarily good-looking French people:

Rachel got me onto them and now I can't stop. Can this be addiction?

Tuesday 24 February
This is me as I am.

Monday 23 February
The world is at your feet. Gravity serves us all.
Ronnie being the lovely fella that he is took me to see Mona Lisa Smile last night. I appreciate very much that he didn't let me stay at home and stagnate. Big afternoon for him this arvo. Secretly biting my fingernails down to my elbows. Everything's coming to a head. Afterwards there should be some stellar Ipswich action with an extraordinarily large green hill and some electoral signs. I'm actually rather looking forward to it, though I haven't really gotten anything organised just yet. So, that's about it. I might call Matt now or ride over to Megan and David's. I'm in the mood for that kind of an adventure.

Sunday 22 February
So, I broke up with James. Or more accurately he broke up with me. He dumped my arse. It was one of those things that just happens and there's nothing you can do about it but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt a lot.
Sitting on the linoleum in the dark kitchen talking to him afterwards was good. It was just what I wanted, actually. A chance to talk to him honestly. The whole desire for a shallow relationship faded extraordinarily fast and after that the awkwardness that existed between us felt wrong on some fundamental level. As it turns out he's at a turning point and life is rushing towards him extraordinarily fast. He's stopped believing in concepts like fate which means that he's discovering the fun of independent morals, decision making and so on. To be honest I wish I could be there to see it, but that's not how it turned out. Hopefully the "we'd probably be better off as friends" business wasn't just a line, though, so it's not like we'll cut off all communication. Anyway, um, that's it really. It's over.

Thursday 19 February
Hey wait a second! Stop everything! Why the hell are supposed "Prince Charmings" always around the scenes of crimes and horrible accidents? Suspicious...

Thursday 19 February
Glad to be of service!
I don't know what it is about kissing arse at an office that so appeals to me, but even I sometimes believe it when I say that I'd be *happy!* to do the photocopying! There's nothing I want to do more! I've actually said that. How hilarious. I feel like the computer system in the ship with the improbability drive etc. that Zaphod Beezelbrock stole in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Someday soon somebody's going to take to me with a hatchet. But for now I am golden child and Amanda's still stamping those envelopes. Now that I think of it it's probably very likely to be her with that hatchet. While the gastroenterology people are clambering for my time and apologising when I have to do anything more menial than using their computer booking system she's spent the last two weeks stamping "Royal Brisbane and Women's Hospital, Herston Rd, Herston 4019" on various types of envelopes. A good day for her is when they let her do the ones with the little windows. I wonder how far those skinny little arms of hers can embed a Royal Brisbane Hospital stamp into the back of my head. I suppose it'd depend on the kind of run up she got and whether she threw it from any kind of distance or just rammed it straight in there. I'll bet she's thinking the same thing right now.

Stayed the last couple of days with Ronnie. It was way fun! It started off with Ronnie's first gig... nice. Some open mic night action and he got a round of applause at the end which is a big deal if you saw the complete lack of crowd response at that place. If he keeps this up there's no doubt that he's going to blow them away by the time of his first proper gig in three weeks. (Short plug: March 26, Ronnie, Nick, Giants of Science @ the Melbourne. I doubt there's an admission fee). Then hanging out at his house that night. Sleeping a wonderful twelve hours (until 2:30 in the afternoon) and continuing the lazing in his company. We did get some videos. That was probably the main thing we did. I'd forgotten how cool Metropolis was. Very impressive! Other than that there was discussion on carbonating maple syrup and coffee, way too much sugar x 1 million thousand and... what did we do? Meh, it was fun anyway!

In other open mic night news I saw one of the other performers on my way home today and there was some wave and smile action. I foresee us getting sucked into this weird little world. And now it's dinner.

Sunday 15 February
It's been so long since I've been able to listen to Cat Power. And so long since I've seen Jon! He didn't come last night, in any sense of the word, and that was disappointing.
So what's been happening? Lots of rebelling. Picturesque rebelling. The throwing the flaming planes off of Indooroopilly caper has formed itself into a painting in my mind. I don't know if it'll go any further than that, but it's there.
On James' advice I've gone over my dreams as soon as I've woken up every morning and for the first time in ages I've been remembering them. They're really bizarre. Worthy of writing down. If you're one of those people who dislikes reading about others' dreams skip the next couple of paragraphs.
Last night had two remembered dreams. The first was lengthy and ended in a bus crash caused by rich girls' selfishness. Upon getting out of the bus I noted an outdoor pub full of depressed old(ish) farmers drinking their lives away and discovered that even though we were in the CBD of a small town its name was nowhere to be found. I joined my entire group except for Kim and endured a bit of teacher freaking out trying to get things organised action. Kim turned up sometime later holding something that looked like a large slice of spam on the end of the stick. Apparently the bus had crashed in a town that had been taken over by children who, for lack of a motivation to raise animals were slowly eating their way through the adult population. The depressed old farmers in the outdoor pub were waiting to die. In the end all the TG's were taken away by their fathers in chevrolets and helicopters and everyone else was left to die.
My second dream was more of a running away dream. Once again themed in school and with Kim, it revolved around being chased by Nick and four of his cronies (and they were cronies, that's just what kind of a dream it was). Despite the fact that they were dressed in yellow gangster-style suits with the peacock feather in the hat and everything, his cronies were quite clearly fifteen year old Terrace boys. They were placed in a square around Kim and myself and the whole time they just got closer and closer like some insane game of robots. At some stage I found out that they knew where I was because of a tracking device but I dealt because to remove it I had to remove some vital part of myself.
Hmmm...
All my dreams haven't been like this, but they've certainly been interesting. Mostly they've just been a mish mash of events leading to nothing in particular. That's actually how both of those dreams started but that wasn't quite so interesting. One thing I like about my dreams is the beautiful colours. For whatever reason my dreams have been very visually appealing.
In completely unrelated news it looks like there's going to be a Simpsons movie! What haven't I found out from MSN?
Hanging out with Ronnie again has been great! It had been too long. A week without Ronnie! How did I ever manage? I'm not entirely sure I should have unleashed the Ninja Turtles game upon the world, but. It certainly is difficult for something aimed at five year olds! Nah, it's heaps of fun.
Paul McDermott has a new show. Or should I say new low? I'm still going to watch it, possibly at the expense of my Friday night social life. Why do you put me through this, Paul? Why?
Also my folks are seriously looking into buying a farm in Boonah! How cool is that!? The particular farm in question is about 50 acres with a creek running through it. My folks are thinking of leasing out the land until they finish teaching and then raising, I believe, fruit trees in their retirement. I hope they go through with it. Except of course I'd probably be living in Brisbane anyhow so it'd just be to visit. Ah well, I don't know what's going to happen in the next week let alone years from now. Maybe I'll be a Buddhist monk by then and won't be able to go anywhere because that'd involve touching money. You just never know.

Thursday 12 February
Yet another item to add to the long list of things I apparently do like a man: writing. According to http://www.bookblog.net/gender/genie.html my writing style makes me "pretty butch for a chick." Tested and retested, even on things where I was trying to be girlie. Funny.
There's no really solid explanation as to why I'm so boy-like, I just seem to have ended up this way. Like, I hung out heaps with two boys when I was a kid in Yamanto, but I also idolised their older sister Tracey, although she was always Helen's best friend DON'T TOUCH!! At primary school I hung out pretty exclusively with girls, although I never really got along with them like the boys (or the girls for that matter) at after school care. They were always too... clean. And then there was the five years of the Catholic All Girl's School with a lot of that being best of buddies with Nick. So essentially lots of girl exposure as far back as I can remember but more getting along with boys. It must be said that my best friends have been pretty evenly spread between genders, though. Hmm...
Anyway, no surprises for anyone that even remotely knows my name that I "write like a man." Hell, I bet there's even a test that'll tell me I ovulate like one.

This post was brought to you by Testosterone and the letter MAN.

Wednesday 11 February
You know you're a nerd when you html until dawn.
Everyone, go and check out my photo gallery! It's got photos that I took and photos that I liked and they're all of my friends! If you happen to be my friend but aren't in there don't take that as something sinister, I probably just don't have a photo of you.
http://www.geocities.com/bozcorp/photos/index.html
Wahey!
And if you're not done with pictures at this point here are two more I found in Factor X:

Horse with human face standing next to sinister looking "owner".

Pregnant monster in the wind.

Kids are weird.