Thursday 29 July
I just watched a documentary on status anxiety (sounds boring, but it wasn't) which finished with the following words:

"Contrary to what an optomistic mindset teaches us, everything will in fact turn out for the worst.
We will all die, our achievements will be forgotten, everything we have strived for will be ignored and perhaps mocked and even our names will be stamped into the ground. Whatever our status, we're all fated to end up as that most democratic of substances - dust.
"There is no wealth," said John Ruskin. "But life, including all its powers of love, of joy and of admiration."
If there is something strangely calming in the idea that we're all going to die, it's perhaps because there's something within us instinctively recognises how many of our worries are bound up with things that are, in the wider scheme, pretty petty concerns. To consider ourselves from the perspective of a thousand years from now returned to dust in a smashed vault is to be a granted a rare, soothing vision of our own insignificance."

It was very cool and unexpected. Those words and the documentary were by Alain de Botton.

Friday 23 July
Aargh! I just wrote the hugest post and then I accidentally pressed "reset" and it was all gone. That was it. And it was really honest and fun and scarey and just everything that I'm feeling right now and even though I probably wouldn't have posted it anoyway I'm still annoyed to lose it.

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again

..

Most people would crumble, but instead I will just work through it all again backwards. MacArthur Park. I was talking about how I had this conversation with Mark's mum about how one of her hippy activist friends in her youth thought that their lecturer was really cool and deep for analysing the lyrics to MacArthur Park. Here are those lyrics. That bit came from talking about how I liked Mark's Mum and that in itself came from talking about this cute thing that Mark does with his mouth that I noticed his mother doing also. It's freaking irresistable. Erm, I may have mentioned some more stuff about Mark and how I didn't like talking about him in this very public forum regardless of the fact that I just had and at length. That bit probably won't be repeated. In a brief aside I saw Enemy number 2 today - Rhiannon Stanley. And I was pleased to see that she was looking healthy and I was amused at how we glared at one another even though I was about two seconds away from breaking into this huge grin. I am so over that grudge, still I know enough not to ever trust her again. Oh and that reminds me of the interesting suggestion Mark made soon after of changing my name to "Chloe Finch." Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong times two, but a very cool suggestion. Yuck, it kind of makes me nauseous just thinking about it. Chloe Emerson. Chloe Emerson. Much better.

Back at the task at hand, there was a point where I was talking about Mark and how I like talking to him in the morning. I think all of my segues by that stage must have been along the lines of "I'm talking about Mark, why that reminds me of this one time with Mark..." Yes, I went on about that boy at some length. But before that I was talking about how I couldn't sleep although I really needed to (hence me writing this post at all) and at some stage there was a detailed description of my dinner. In case you were wondering, it was delicious. In case you weren't, here's the uber-cute definition of "scarey" I found in the dictionary while I was wondering how to spell it.

scarey

adj : so scary as to cause chills and shudders; "the most terrible and shuddery...tales of murder and revenge" [syn: chilling, scary, shivery, shuddery]

Aww! And yes, it can be spelt with or without the e! I prefer the e, just so you know. And I will be testing you all on this.

I just remembered! There was this bit at the end about how I served four people at work today who looked like Sayuri and how I was wondering how she was. And the reason that they looked like her was all in the mouth, which of course was connected somehow with talking about Mark's mouth. Hmmm... like a jigsaw puzzle but somehow more compelling. I should rename my entire journal that: "More compelling than a jigsaw puzzle." That's even mostly accurate! No offense intended, of course, to people who genuinely like jigsaw puzzles. But of course! I think I got that "of course" thing off of Benjamin. He does it well.

Hmmm, and there was probably some more stuff in there. Some rad misquote. Yeah, that was cool.



Minimum jerkification required.

Thursday 22 July
A self-indulgent look at all my messages before I delete them off my phone:

29 May 2004 - Godfrey
I trust you

30 May 2004 - Ronnie
I cannot sing. This makes me nothing.

2 June 2004 - Jon
Don't you mean bells? you silly girl lol :p

17 June 2004 - Naaman
But the hidden mouse can always tell ones lies.

22 June 2004 - Jon
that is okay baby

25 June 2004 - Sgee
Dear chloe i think your pretty super too. SGEE!

27 June 2004 - Ronnie
Hey, can we call the Basic Four the Scareboyz from now on?

7 July 2004 - Brettsquirrel
a girl called chloe with a vampire heart. a boy called brett with a werewolf spine.

9 July 2004 - Ronnie
OMG! Shut up your fantasy self babe coz the cabs stop at 12!!!

11 July 2004 - Sgee
I really do like you.

13 July 2004 - Sgee
mission accomplished.

14 July 2004 - Sgee
The british empire was built on cups of tea.

16 July 2004 - Mark's Dad
Tell mark his mother is missing him

19 July 2004 - Godfrey
Don't panic! You'll be fine.

19 July 2004 - Uncle Jonathon
Hope you enjoy uni. The european summer is beautiful, fragrant pine forests and meadows teaming with wild flowers. Yesterday I was up in an alpine meadow and saw deer and masses of wild flowers of all colours. It's also fun hanging out with the musicians from other countries - the english are generally eccentric & italians really warm
Love J

21 July 2004 - Sgee
Strike fast like a tiger with the wits of a bear and the cunning of a fox. Be as the dragon fly. Lay low and avoid hungry trout.

Sunday 18 July
Woodley, you've come to mean so much more to me
So it is Sunday! The question as to what day of the week it is has been bothering me all day but it has been bothering me just on the threshold below me bothering to look. Read that aloud. Today I've spent my time listening to Custard and playing Tetris. I have been avoiding the following activities:
-Filling out my centrelink forms
-Playing backgammon with my father
I suppose all that doesn't make for particularly interesting reading. You, the reader, must be wondering where all the dirt is. Why this entry doesn't contain more than elemental traces of the filthy world I live in. The persistently grubby stains of my life. If you look closer you'll realise that very little of this journal contains the nitty gritty of my life. And why? It is for your own goddamn good. It is for my own goddamn good. It is in fact for the good of the people. I am a philanthropist.

Monday 5 July
I was so proud of Ronnie yesterday. It was his first gig and despite numerous complications he got up there and kicked arse. It was a fine thing to see.

In other news, without me ever having mentioned it in her presence my cousin Emily acknowledged how, get this, "fun" my mother was the other night. Completely independently. Now there are two of us who think that in the world.

And for a freaky connection that even Friendster couldn't have foreseen it turns out that I was friends with Sgee's brother long before I knew Sgee. We caught the train together. He was the coolest guy. He was in grade eleven, I was in grade eight, there were people there of every grade in an awesome fun-filled "we're going to Ipswich" group and to me (and I think just about everyone there) he was some kind of a god. At the very least a radiant example of a teenage boy. All the girls liked him, even the seniors. I have a very shining memory of this boy. Now.... he's not so cool. And he's kind of a dick. People change I guess. I think I'll always remember "Simon" as the cool guy that he was and just accept that perceptions aren't so sharp in grade eight and that people can grow up to be kind of crap.

Thursday July 1
For one reason or another I won't have the net for a bit. Meanwhile I would like to take this opportunity to casually mention that it is my opinion that Sgee's a bit like a fungus.