Niece

Ever noticed how your older relations are useless at assisting you with your problems? I once told my Auntie that a man at work was harassing me and she told me to remember the gypsies warning and keep both legs in one stocking!

So embracing the old maxim about wisdom out of the mouths of babes I asked my 14 year old niece, Euniece, to look over our post bag problems and give her refreshingly honest response...

Q. Barry-carry-on

Is my wife carrying on? She recently went to see a Barry Manilow concert with a party of girlfriends and a long-haired Italian called Fabio. When she came back two whole days later her neck was covered in bruises and her clothes muddied at the back. Could she have developed an allergy to Copacabana which made her fall over backwards in the mud and pass out for 48 hours on leaving the concert as she swears? I have since heard her and her girlfriends whispering and giggling, and the word stallion bandied around a lot, but when I question them they just tell me I'm paranoid. What shall I do?

A. Listen, I got as far as Barry Manilow. Who the hell is he? Who gives? Dump her!

Q. Cupboard love

Although I am very pleased that they get on so well, my partner and his friend Timmy are spending too much time together. I try to share their hobbies but all their spare time is being taken up by a re-creation of a dungeon in the pantry, complete with chains and a sling, and there is only room for two in there. Sometimes they dress up as red Indians, hard-hatted-builders or sailors. They are even starting to look alike with their shaved heads and handlebar moustaches. I don't mind Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand or Bette Midler, but I draw the line at judging their miming skills to their records. Do I say something or just let them go on hanging out together?

A. Are you for real. I don't know about them, but have you been living in a closet?

Q. I'van other problem

I have a real problem which is starting to get everyone down. I work in IT and I often have to help people less technically minded than myself. When I try to teach them some new skills I find myself not being able to give them just a couple of instructions but instead telling them everything about the entire universe. This compulsion is starting to make people glaze over and I'm worried that soon they'll avoid me. I have heard of a condition called Technical Tourette's Syndrome, do you think it could be this?

A. No, you're just a geek. Next!

Q. Dull witch

I have a good job, a lovely boyfriend, a wonderful home, and enjoy all aspects of my life, however it still feels as if something is missing. My friend has suggested that it's a lack of spirituality and creativeness in a materialistic and uncaring world where war and hunger are rife and chemicals and additives invade our bodies due to greed and selfishness of others and the lack of individual control in our own lives through the powers-that-be. Dissatisfied of Dulwich.

A. Dear Dissatisfied. Finally, I understand just how you feel. I was the same until I got into Eminem. Either that or have a new haircut.

Q. Abbey habit

I am a monk and I have developed a habit for crack cocaine, speed, Valium, jellies and much more, and now I just tried H. I started on blow and my dealer introduced me to each drug gradually and I got hooked every time. I don't seem to have any willpower, and I am scared that god will forsake me. Help!

A. It's fantastic that you can get all that from one dealer, give me his mobile number and I won't tell the pigs, as you included your name and the monastry's address you dil!

Q. Can't Cook, Does Cook!

My wife is the worst cook in the world. On Shrove Tuesday I ate a ceiling tile which had come down with a tossed pancake without noticing the difference. I sent her on one of these TV programmes but she managed to burn down the set and stab Ainsley Harriot with a corn-cob fork, which of course made us a lot of new friends, but failed to improve her cooking. Do you have any suggestions for her?

A. Yeah, divorcing you and copping off with Jamie Oliver. Or, if she's ugly, MacDonalds.

Return to the top

Hosted by www.Geocities.ws