A web experience by Tommy Janofsky

Tommy Janofsky, former Abysmal Crucifix drummer

This site is dedicated to showing how Abysmal Crucifix, most especially its revered leader Girth McDürchstein, mistreats its bandmates, fans, friends, and families. You'll find stories of hardship and adversity, stories of those who have been wronged by Girth and whoever's trust he's using and abusing at the moment

You want my credentials? I'm Tommy fuckin' Janofsky, and I used to be Abysmal Crucifix's drummer from 1994 to 2000, when I was unceremoniously fired by Girth McDürchstein (through a registered letter!) after illegally selling copies of the album he couldn't complete because he was in FUCKING PRISON.

Here's some recordings I made, to show you the caliber of musician I am (as opposed to Girth and the gang:

'Stop Squeezing' Take 3 (as heard on The 'You Can Touch It for a Quarter' Sessions)
Drum solo, recorded live at the Crème Grill in Fargo, ND, on June 7th, 1996
Drum solo, recorded live at Slim's in San Francisco, CA, on April 22nd, 1997
'Rolling in It' drum solo, improvised in the midst of Abysmal Crucifix's only charting single (#98, Billboard Hot 100 singles, week of 8/10/98), recorded live at Kyrpien keskitalvi, Helsinki, Finland, on August 20th, 1998

As a former drummer, over the years I have collected and continue to collect hundreds of hours of tape featuring Girth McDürchstein at his most vulger: obnoxious, abusive, and when all is said and done, incompetent.

11/3/2007 – Well, it had to happen. Just hours after reading Girth McDürchstein abandoned his latest album, I knew I had to get my hands on it. It took some doing, especially since I'm on the outs with the whole band except Jam (who isn't in the band anymore) on account of this site, but I eventually managed to score the complete backing track premasters. Two songs, acoustic versions of previous recordings "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong" and "The Love Song of Gregor Samsa," were completed entirely. Rumor has it that most of the struggle over this album came down to lyrics — Girth had a story (which he explained ridiculously at Lacey's party — I took the liberty of recording), but he couldn't come up with any good lyrics. He wrote a whole metal album and the lyrics sucked (everyone in the band told me so), then he resurrected it as this "hip-hopera" project, and apparently the lyrics got even worse. At least Girth has a whole band with him again to keep him in check and let him know when he's being an asshole; otherwise, he'd already have completely embarrassed himself with this project. Now, we've only partially embarrassed him.

12/22/06 – I'm releasing a new tape. This one is a rare treat sent to me by Greg Haugaboor of River Forest, Illinois. He took it upon himself to sneak a tape recorder into a "surprise" live performance of Girth McDürchstein's 'The Hedge', exactly one year ago today (12/22/05). Girth writes an account of it here on his blog. While he admits to things not going as well as they could have—well, you don't know the half of it! Please click here to take a listen to Girth McDürchstein giving a solo performance of his own double album—and completely botching it! Enjoy.

9/28/2006 – The first tape I'm releasing was recorded in the Paint Shaker, a studio where we recorded all our albums. This tape is dated 8/8/99 (which, if you have a calendar handy, you'll note was a goddamn SUNDAY!), during the recording of a song called "Street Cock." We didn't release "Street Cock" on The 'You Can Touch It for a Quarter' Sessions because it never resulted in a usable form. Girth's constant berating eventually led to him giving up on the track. We assume he intended to come back to it later, like so many other songs, but his incarceration prevented that. Please click here to listen in horror at Girth's torment and abuse.


Interested in stories? We have stories not only of Girth's inhumanity but of those he currently calls "friends" and bandmates—a group of people rotten to the core! Please follow the links below to learn these stories.

LATEST STORY!! EXCLUSIVE!! 'Girth McDürchstein Returns' – Listen to Girth McDürchstein explain his moronic concept for the botched, abandoned album The Return. Also available: the incomplete backing premasters for the entire album.

Former Kelleystein Recordings A&R rep goes on the record with "The Definition of Mismanagement and Imprudent Spending," a scatching exposé of Girth McDürchstein's horrendous business sense in running his own independent label.

'I Ain't Never Seen No Girth' written by Warden Vic Chalmers of the Montana State Department of Corrections

'Girth McDürchstein Ruined My Life' written by Walter Janowicz

'My Side of the Story' written by Robin Kelley (former Abysmal Crucifix bassist)

'Carl Davenport Wronged Me' written by Rosalind Phillips (Girth's own mother!)

'GIRTH SUX' written by Nicholas H. Kaplan (aka, Little Riffs Nicky, former Abysmal Crucifix rhythm guitarist)

'Go Fuck Yourself, Girth' written by Mikey Parker (former Abysmal Crucifix bassist)

'I Hold No Particular Animosity, Which Is Not to Say I'm Not Angry' written by Rutherford 'Jam' Malone (former abysmal Crucifix keyboardist)

'How the Taco Barn Closed for Good' written by Roy Fittes

'Junebug of My Soul' written by Sequoia Hermann

'Interview with Carl Davenport + Follow-Up + Personal Observations on a Narcissist' written by Sharon Rexsmith (staff writer for Hardchord Magazine of Seattle, Washington)

'Modeling Hell' written by Stu Feinberg

'No Business Like Show Business' written by Vance Sloane, director of the underrated 1999 masterpiece Hector's Secret.

All site content edited by Rutherford Malone. Copyright © 2006 Tommy Janofsky.

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