GIRTH McDÜRCHSTEIN'S 'THE RETURN'
Bootleg premasters dated 10/18/07, released by Tommy Janofsky 11/5/07

In December of 2005, Girth McDürchstein conceived of a concept album follow-up to his startlingly unsuccessful 2002 double-album, Girth McDürchstein's 'The Hedge.' A raging battle of ego and ignorance resulted in rampant personnel changes, financial problems, failure to deliver a satisfactory product, and ultimately, the decision (for a second time) to shelf the project. The project has been chronicled on the official Abysmal Crucifix blog. I encourage those unfamiliar with the problems plaguing this band and album to read it before proceeding.

I've uncovered a DAT labeled G.McD - THE RETURN - PREMASTER B.T., dated 10/18/07. As far as we know, it is the most up-to-date example of The Return in existence, coming just two short weeks before Girth McDürchstein pulled the plug on the entire album.

Some background information: Girth McDürchstein started work on The Return in late 2005, starting with an idea but no actual music or lyrics. He finally produced a complete album of material near Christmas of 2005, at which time the band began recording. After firing the entire band in February 2006, Girth returned to Los Angeles, formed a "new" band, and began rerecording the album, which was nearly finished. On May 15, 2006, Girth McDürchstein officially announced his intention to abandon the project and concentrate on touring. Girth and the re-formed Abysmal Crucifix went back into the studio to work on a new version of The Return upon return of a disastrous world tour. Rather than continuing with the usual Abysmal metal style, Girth — with the help of longtime "friend" D.J. Koko reimagined the album in a style that combined hip-hop and metal.

On August 28, 2007, I recorded Girth McDürchstein describing the style and story of Girth McDürchstein's 'The Return' at a party for mutual friend Lacey Greenwood.

Click here to listen to Girth McDürchstein's explanation.

Transcript:

Okay, so you guys wanna know, like, about Girth McDürchstein's 'The Return'? Okay, it's like this thing I'm calling a hip-hopera, okay? Nobody's ever done anything like this before. It's like hip-hop but it's sorta like metal, too. It's like metal hip-hop. I don't know what they would call that, but it's like metal and hip-hop, and it's awesome, and it has these chapters, and at the end of every chapter, is like a cliffhanger ending, so nobody knows where I'm gonna go with the story, okay? It's like, every single time, okay? So Girth McDürchstein's 'The Return' is like this thing where, okay, it starts with this dude who I'm calling Girth McDürchstein after me, even though it's totally not me at all, and he like goes back to his hometown for the first time in over a decade. It's like this small town in the middle of nowhere, Iowa, and he's like this big rock-star dude from L.A., okay? He found out this chick he used to bang, Kelly Robbins, is getting married, and he wants to stop it because he figured out he really loves her, except he doesn't love her, he just thinks he does because that's how his brain works. The grass is always greener, right? Okay, so he spends all this time trying to dig up dirt on the fiancé, this dude named Willie, and Willie's like a total asshole — he's cheating on her, he's a meth addict, whatever, all kind of crazy shit, okay? It turns out all this girl Kelly wants is for Girth to grow the fuck up and act like an adult, okay? Then it turns out Girth — the fake Girth — already has a fiancée back in L.A., and she's tracked him down, so he's like, "Oh shit," and she's like, "You fuckin' prick," and he's like, "What the fuck?" and she's all encouraging him to fall back into his immature ways, but he's like, "No, dude, I really want to grow up," but she loves him so she's like, "I'll help," so she goes to bang Willie so that Kelly will dump him — turns out, she already knows he's cheating on her, so now Girth is all pissed and he thinks Kelly's just settling, and Kelly starts to figure out, okay, maybe she is settling, but who the fuck cares? Disappointment is what being a grown-up is all about, but with Girth reentering her and her life, she realizes that being an adult doesn't mean giving up everything that makes you happy, and Girth realizes that there's more to life than sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Also, there's this subplot where it turns out Girth's best friend, Charlie, is banging Girth's mom. Huh? Huh?

Typical McDürchstein idiocy. A convoluted plot described in a juvenile, moronic way. What an embarrassment. It's no surprise that Girth had so much lyrical trouble. According to sources close to both Kelleystein and the Paint Shaker, Girth's most consistent problem was coming up with decent lyrics. He scrapped the original version because the lyrics weren't up to snuff, and in The Return they didn't even record any lyrics, other than the songs they rerecorded from previous albums.

Presented below, for the first time ever, are the complete mixes for the Girth McDürchstein's 'The Return' backing tracks. Girth only needed to add vocals (except for "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong" and "The Love Song of Gregor Samsa," both of which were 100% completed).

  1. Chapter 1
  2. Chapter 2
  3. Chapter 3
  4. Chapter 4
  5. Chapter 5
  6. Chapter 6
  7. Chapter 7
  8. Put It Where It Doesn't Belong (Acoustic)
  9. Chapter 8
  10. Chapter 9
  11. Chapter 10
  12. Chapter 11
  13. The Love Song of Gregor Samsa (Acoustic)
  14. Chapter 12
  15. Chapter 13

We go forward together in solidarity. Let us unite in Girth McDürchstein's misery. Not even the Church of Rafelman can stop us now!

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