Exactly one year ago today, on December 22nd, 2005, Girth McDürchstein went to the Cabana Club by himself and attempted in vain to play the concept album that he wrote at a venue in Chicago called the Cabana Club. Abysmal Crucisux has obtained a recording of that live performance and we present it exclusively, excactly one year after the performance date.

Please click here to download part one.

Please click here to download part two.

[Girth strums harmonics, tunes]

Girth: Thank you. My name is Girth. Thanks for comin' out tonight. This is called 'The Hedge.'

[plays intro]

Girth McDürchstein: I remember when I was just a child and everything I ever said was wrong. My [indecipherable] never wanted to speak with me, my mother hid in her room suckin' a bong. Where do all the flowers go? You think your life is goin' so slow. You wonder when the agony will end. Then you wake up and you're twenty years old. I remember my father playing catch with a smile. He spent all his free time with the neighbors' boy. And my mother kept me inside the house [plays wrong chord, jarring him for a moment], so I wouldn't scrape my knees or have fun. The pain of life is miserable. I wish that I could go away from here and live in the field with all the flowers. They wouldn't hurt me at all. Where do all the flowers go? Where do all the flowers go? Where do they go, where do they go, where do they go, where do they go, where do all the flowers go? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, [indecipherable]. [struggles with rhythm throughout "1985"] In the year 1985, I got my first computer. I used to use it all the time for book reports and e-mail. Sometimes I would play the games--the more violence, the better. Maybe I was just desensitized, but I always thought the more blood and guns, the cooler the game.

[attempts misguided instrumental version of "Video Game Violence," omitting most of the solos and totally fucking up the end]

GM: Thank you!

[plays intro]

GM: I'm lost at sea. No one can see.

[plays wrong chord]

GM: Let me start that one again.

[plays intro]

GM: I'm lost at sea. No one can see. The fog has taken [plays wrong chord again but doesn't attempt to start over] life away from me. My daddy's gone, and I don't care. He was a cheating bastard, a sad affair. But I still got this feeling, it will not go away, never loved my father [succession of wrong chords], but I can't deny the pain. Floating on the undulating winds of love, floating on the undulating winds of time, floating on the undulating winds of pain, floating on the undulating winds, I'm fine. I fly away. Nobody cares. My wings are clipped, so I will fall. My mother hates me. I'll run away. But I can't leave her all alone. I still got this feeling, it'll never go away. Never loved my mother, but I can't run away. Floating on the undulating winds of fear, floating on the undulating of mine, floating on the undulating winds of angst, floating on the undulating winds, I'm fine.

[attempts guitar solo; it could sound worse, but it doesn't sound pretty]

GM: [indecipherable] on the undulating winds of life, floating on the undulating winds of death, floating on the winds of love, floating on the undulating winds, I'm dead.

[detunes]

GM: Gotta [indecipherable] for a second, folks.

[plays little solo]

[plays intro]

GM: Grumbling fishies, lucite encased in marble, the way this life is going, I'll never survive. [indecipherable] the little monkeys, shit on a rabid dog. The way this life is going, I hope you fucking choke and die. Never the way of [indecipherable], never know the way of death 'til you love in a sea of sex. Alcoholic chambermaids, portly painted mermen, walkin' down the sidewalk, throwin' feces at Macy's. Death to all the lawyers. Proactive perdition. The way this life is going, I hope you fuckin' choke and die. Never know the way of drugs until you cocoon and become a beautiful butterfly, never know the way of moths 'til you puke in a sea of green-red vomit.

[attempts halfway decent guitar solo]

GM: [indecipherable] you fuckin' choke and die, I hope you fuckin' choke and die, I hope you fuckin' choke and die.

[plays little solo]

[tunes]

GM: Thank you! 'Preciate the love.

[continues tuning]

GM: When I was a babe, my mother sang to me. I can't forget the haunting melody, the one which resides within my memory. You don't know what you mean to me. Little baby boy with a mind so free. Your father never loved you, and neither do I. I'm going to abuse you 'til the day you die. Little baby boy, bargaining chip. You'll bring him back. Why do you look the way you do? Why am I so scared of you? Listen, Girth, I hate that you were born. From now on, you're my object of scorn. Your father spent his days and nights cheating on me. He never loved either one of us, and guess whose fault that is? Little fucker, you caused him to die! I never wanted him to die! O, my life is full of shit! Sing it with me! Although I never loved him, he gave us support--he had a wallet full of money. Although I never loved him, he gave us [plays wrong chord] support--he had a checkbook full of love!

[segues into "Hedge Maze of Life"]

GM: Aw, life is a hedge maze. I know that for sure. No idea who's decent and pure. Twisting, turning, flowing through the Strip. Death comes to those who wait. Where did I go wrong, why am I right here? So many questions--who wants a beer? Runnin' around, fuckin' around, unfathomable creation. Sev'ral days ago, I came out at the other end. I can't keep this up, I been runnin' for weeks, flyin' around the bend, collapsing and out of breath. Which way to go now? I wish that I could see! Five different directions--each one leads to me.

[fucks up beginning of solo, manages the rest with competence]

GM: All my life, I been runnin' in circles. It's time to take a chainsaw to the hedge maze of life!

[tunes]

[plays little solo]

[plays intro]

GM: I went out of my way to make a good impression, but those fuckin' girls never paid attention! When will this nightmare end? When will I find the one for me? Why do they ignore me? Why do they chase after the football quarterback? I [indecipherable] they pretend that I'm not there. They must be blind, or at least hearing impaired. When will this melodrama end? Why do they tell me to drop dead? Why do they think I'm so creepy? When will I give up this pointless search for love?

[attempts solo with chords at the same time, with mixed results]

GM: What did I do to them to make them hate me so much? They've just become another shrub in the hedge! Thank you!

[plays intro]

GM: I'm losing my mind, and I don't know why. Kiss me goodbye before I change my mind. I'm goin' insane, my brain is fried! It must be the games, or maybe I just died. Nobody here is of [a succession of wrong chords] consequence. Maybe I should just kill them all. How can I go from here? How can I deal with my life? I need to inflict in them lots of fear. I need to cause horrible strife. Their pain will match my own and eventually exceed it! I'll kill them all until they die, because they all need it! Nobody here is of consequence. I'm the only one who really exists. Why did God place them here? Is He testing me?

[tunes]

[plays harmonics]

[plays intro, doesn't attempt solo]

GM: Goin' down to the circles of hell. I'm gonna go on a mental rampage! Everyone who ever hurt me will die. Everyone who ignores me will die. Everyone who is still alive will die. Lock me up, [loses rhythm] throw away the key! The final shrub's in place--the hedge is complete! I need to destroy, I need to kill. It's all in my mind, it's all a cheap thrill. Fuckin' die! Fuckin' choke! Fuckin' metalheads like to snort coke! Lock me up, [lose rhythm] throw away the key! The final shrub's in place--the hedge is complete! Float and die, float and die, float and die, float and die, float and die and float and die, float and die, float and die. Thank you, I'll be back in ten minutes.

[ten minutes later]

GM: Back, thank you!

[plays "Entr'acte" poorly]

[plays intro]

GM: Somebody help me, I'm burning alive! Trapped in this hotel room, this tiny dive! How did I get here? The years all float by. The hedge has grown to large for me to survive. Help me, someone, get me quickly. Bellhop! It's Girth! I want to live!

[attempts a poor, irrhythmic solo with chords]

GM: Help me, someone, get me quickly. Bellhop! It's Girth! I want to live!

[attempts another poor, irrhythmic solo with chords]

GM: Thank you!

[plays intro]

GM: I wanna fuck you like the time I watched some porno. I wanna drink up like the time I puked on the floor. I wanna walk up to you and ask you on a date, but [hits wrong chords] instead I'll just go back to my room and fuckin' masturbate. College girls are sluts. They suck my nuts. College girls from hell won't fuck myself. I went to college at a college by the river. We [indecipherable] there one time and got drunk with some losers. After that we went back to the dormitories and still the drunk girls would hesitate and then not fuck me. College girls get drunk, and then, shit fuck. They fuck my friends, then leave, the end. Oh, oh. Ooh, ooh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh. They fuck my friends, but not me. And then they leave.

[plays intro]

GM: Let me go, what did I do wrong? Why am I the one trapped in the vines? Let me go, what did I do wrong? Why am I the one trapped in the vines?

[attempts solo and chords with mixed results]

[plays intro]

GM: I saw her the other day in town at the library. She walked right up to me, to me, me, and said, "Hey, what is your name?"

[plays chords]

GM: We talked for hours. We laughed and laughed, and we went for a walk through the city and through the fields of flowers. How is this girl with me? Why did she come up to me? I think I'm in love with her. How is this girl with me? Why would she come up to me? I think I have found the one... Sev'ral days ago, she looked up at me and said, "When you go away, please don't forget me--you'll be a big star." I left her in the cold, where she'll get fat and old. And me, I feel so guilty. Please God, forgive me!

[attempts solo and chords with poor results]

GM: Thank you very much. Missed a verse there, but I'm not gonna do it again. This one's called "A Star."

[plays intro]

GM: Ooh baby, ooh baby, I want to be a star. I'll sell my soul to make sure that I go far. I'll [indecipherable] throughout the world as long as I get the girls, baby. Yes, I can, oh baby. Make me an offer I can't refuse. Make sure I have lots of booze. Is this too technical for you? Grass...

[music slows, stops]

[inaudible]

GM: Fella just came up to me and said, "Get off the stage. Get off the stage!" You don't like me! Well, fuck you all, I'm finishing it! Yeah! I'm finishing it!

[plays]

GM: Grass is [wrong chord] greener [wrong chord] on the side of my shoe. I'm a star inside my head, no one else will come near my bed and so tonight I sleep alone. I'm a star, I feel bad for you 'cause I'm rich and you clean up my puke and make minimum wage. Make me an offer I can't refuse. I always recycle, renew, and reuse--show me how to be a star! A corporate metal jackass with a guitar. Show me how--show me how! Show me how, show me how, show me how to be a star, [wrong chord] show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me how, show me. I'm a star, [wrong chord] show me how. I'm a star, [wrong chord] I'm a [wrong chord] star, I'm a star, I'm a star.

[plays little solo]

GM (indignant): Get off the stage... [indecipherable, likely scoffing sound]

[plays intro]

GM: Gregor Samsa woke one morning to find that he was now a bug. He did not know why this had happened. All he knew was that he slept too late. Sales manager knocked on his door, but Gregor could not get out of bed. His tiny legs just shook in silence, and then suddenly he lunged to the floor.

[attempts truncated solo and chords with mixed results]

GM: A few weeks passed and Gregor was now hidden under the couch, so his family would not get scared, so he'd crack a door at dinnertime. O, the rotten apple burned his back--

[stops]

GM: Wait a minute, I got a little messed up there. Should go like this.

[plays]

GM: Gregor! Gregor! Gregor! O, Gregor!

[adapts bass solo with only a few mistakes]

GM: Boy a month went by, Gregor died, a rotten apple in his back. Before he had gone to the grave, he attached himself to the wall so they wouldn't take his painting! O, the rotten apple burned his back, and all that Gregor felt was pain. A coat of dust had turned him a dullish-brown. The three kind boarders had run away. [wrong chord] O, Gregor, we still love you. We're sorry we threw that apple, lodged in your back. We're sorry, we're so sorry that we didn't ease your pain.

[plays solo chords without attempting an actual solo]

GM: Gregor! Gregor, we still love you! Gregor, we still love you! Gregor, we still love you!

[plays little solo]

[plays intro]

GM: I left a girl I loved, left her in the dust just to be a crazy rock star, and I'm not even a star [wrong chord] yet. This whole thing is so fucked up. Why did I leave her? Now I'm callin' up a whore, and all I'll do is think of her. I loved her, I leaved her. I loved her, she loved me, too. I loved her, I leaved her two years ago. I left the girl I loved, she's still at the school. I miss her more than I ever missed a girl. I fell in love with her, love at the very first sight. Everywhere I go now, I see her face somehow. I loved her, I leaved her. I loved her, she's in the crowd. I loved her, I still do, I still love her, she loves me, [wrong chord] too.

[plays solo without chords--excellent job]

GM: I loved her, I leaved her. I love her, I'm going back to her. I loved her, I leaved her, I kissed her goodbye.

[wrong chord on outro]

[starts "In the Motel Room," then stops, tunes, plays little solo]

GM: This one's called "Help."

[plays intro]

GM: Help me, God, help me. I just killed a girl. Now I'm on an express train to hell. Help me [indecipherable], help me, I just killed a girl. The express train just derailed. Help me, Satan, help me out, man. I just killed a girl. Stabbed her in the chest. Please, help me. I want to love again.

[plays intro]

GM: This hedge maze of yours is burning, the police are on their way. It's time to begin moving, but there's someone in your way. Baby boy, stop right there, and stare with your blue eyes at your dear, departed mother, in between the hedge of life. I've gone insane with you to blame. Boy, it wasn't us. It was those blasted toys and game, you ran away from us. It was not the other way. Don't go blaming us, you ass, you brought this on yourself. You hid within the opaque glass and put us upon the shelf. I've gone insane. Am I to blame? It wasn't me--it was the games! Girth, I love you. I always have. Why did you leave me, you worthless little man? If you had only seen the way I saw the world, you never would've left and you woulda kept the girl. I've gone insane, and [succession of wrong chords] she's to blame! That rotten bitch, crawling on my fame! Why did I leave her? I just don't know. I was too scared, so I let her go and ran away. She loved me, and I loved her. I didn't run away--it was those fucking games! I've gone insane [indecipherable]. Something snapped [wrong chord] [abrupt change] It wasn't anyone but those rotten, violent games. Close your fuckin' mouth, bow down to me. This day is Judgment Day, and you'll not go free. Just sit right there, up against your hedge! Close your little mouth and listen to the judge. You blame your computer games, the media will, too, but there's nothing wrong with anything, but there's something wrong with you. You've gone off the deep end--I think your parents are to blame, and this traumatic incident with that lovely college dame. I've gone insane, and I'm to blame. Something snapped and trapped me in the maze. It's time to lay down judgment on this most unusual case. Look up at me, Girth. Gaze upon my face. You've gone through your whole life thinking you're a genius, but you were wrong--you're a fool, a misogynist, a racist, a schizoid little man! And for that you must wallow in the consequences of your actions!

[plays outro, does not attempt solo]

GM: Run toward the light! Run! Run toward the light! Run! Run, Girth! Run toward the light! Run! Run! Run! Thank you, that was 'The Hedge.'

[sounds of Girth picking up his things and leaving, tape machine shuts off]