BIO'S
All the members are in the dining hall, having a drink after the meal. There is the low, steady humming of many voices talking quietly. Suddenly a master assassin stands up. "I think it's time to hear someone's story. Let's see...you." He points directly at you. "You're a new face. Why don't you tell us a bit about your life before you joined the guild?" You sit up, clear your throat and begin...
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FLAMEDEMON
My earliest memory is of extreme pain as I stumbled from my home. My parents were both dead and my little sister had fallen down behind the beer barrel and would follow soon. The heat was unbearable and as I came out from the flames, people started yelling, it's a demon, a firedemon from off the disc. That was how I got the name "Flamedemon". When they eventually cottoned on that I was on fire, they drove me to the river and pushed me in. That pain almost killed me and I was unconscious as my body was carried off.
Ever since I have been laughed at, ridiculed and driven away because of the scars I carry. I have been forced to wear a mask and a cape, in ten years, no one has seen my face.
While still young I was wandering one day and came across a salesman standing in the street. He was named Dibbler. I don't think I ever knew his first name. I started to follow him around and eventually he gave up and allowed me to help on his stall. He was my only friend for the next 6 years and then one unfortunate day a man grabbed me and started to drag me off.
"What are you doing?" I yelled, "Dibbler, help!"
But Dibbler didn't hear, when I questioned him last week he explained, he was diagnosed with "Tempdeafasapostyitus". He even had the medical certificate to prove it from a doctor called "Dr. F. Ake". Well all is forgiven now.
Anyway back to the story. This man dragged me behind a building and told me that he had a "little job for me". He wanted me to place a small brown package in the doorway of the guild of assassins and then lay a trail of black powder so that he could find it again. Of course I took the package and ran, just as any other young lad would do. I wasn't going to leave a package anywhere before I saw if there was anything worth stealing in it.
As I turned the man yelled and two thugs appeared at the end of the street. I quickly looked around and then decided that there was no backing down now. I leapt up onto a window sill and clambered up to the next story and onto the roof. My reflexes have always been sharp and so no one caught me. I stood on the roof and watched as the thugs struggled to clamber over each other to get up the building.
I darted off and soon found myself at the doorway to the guild of assassins. As I knocked I felt a sudden pang of fear and so left the package and ran but the gates were shut and black robed figures surrounded me. I later found myself inside a small room being taught to write but I am glad that they took me. Although those days being taught to read were the worst of my life, I am glad now to be a member of the guild of assassins. Now I have an excuse to wear all black and cover my face!!
EZAKIAL
"As you wish Master Assassin," Ahem. For those of you who do not yet know me I am an outcast vampire by the name of Ezakial. My recreation into the world of the undead happened a long time ago in a small mountain township in Uberwald. I was the son of the Noble Lord of our small town and had a good life helping my father care for the townspeople. Even though I was the son of a Lord, I often helped the people in their work tending the fields, caring for the animals and assissting in the town's school. My father used to send for books from the nearest city and from Ankh-Morpork. He hired me a tutor in the languages, history, geography and mathematics. I became well taught in the Morporkian language and the history of Ankh-Morpork and Uberwald. My tutors taught me the game of chess, and lectured me in the art of strategy which led me to develop a strong will and a fast mind from my teachings. My tutors also taught me of the more elusive creatures of Uberwald...The Undead! I learned much from them about Vampires and Werewolves and the many other undead and supernatural creatures, which is what helped me to overcome my final fate.
It was a winter's day when the Von Carlsons came through our homestead. They hadn't fed for days and were craving blood. They rampaged through the village killing many, and claiming many more. They murdered my Mother and Father and tried to take me as one of their own. Their leader, Vladimere Von Carlson was the one who tried to claim me but I resisted. I knew of their hate of religious items and managed to form a crude but effective symbol of Blind Io. I used it on him just as he was in the process of changing me. I broke the full transformation and jammed the crude image into his heart. Fleeing from the town, I managed to hide in the forest, but I was not unchanged. I'd become a half human creature, part vampire part man. I was no longer the man I'd once been but had become an outcast to humanity and vampires. I had developed the fangs, pale complexion and dark hair of a vampire in my features, but I was still the man that I was underneath. I needed blood to survive but I did not crave it as did those that changed me did. I managed to survive in the forest by drinking the blood of the rodents that I caught and eating what I could scavenge.
I found that though I was now vampire, the sun had little or no effect on me, giving me a slight headache at worst. I went back to the town to find it devastated and so I salvaged what I could of my identity and goods. I went from town to town in Uberwald, but was shunned by townsfolk for being the creature that I'd become. I could not go to the vampire community for what I had done, so I shifted between places finding work where I could and scraping a living from what skills I had.
I travelled to many places trying to reap what living I could. It was on the travels that I met sympathisers who helped me back onto my feet, so to speak. It was thanks to the people I met I learned some fighting skills and managed to rebuild my life. I became a Vampire Slayer for a short time, which was when during a fight, I discovered that I had developed heightened reflexes like a vampire, but I could be harmed by edged weapons. Though I could be harmed I'd discovered I'd developed a faster rate of healing than a normal human being. I mad a tidy living this way but found that I desired my old life back.
With the new skills I had acquired over the years, I travelled to Ankh-Morpork to join this Guild and become a Master Assassin, which is why I am here now. My rebirth happened over 15 years ago and I've hardly aged a day. I have aged but it seems I have developed a rudimentary immortality. I wish to use my skills and inhume all those that would be an enemy to anyone for what happened to me.
This is my story and I hope that you will learn from it. I could tell you more but I have talked enough and many more of the details are unimportant so I'll end my story with this; always know more than you let on. It could be important to your life.
POOBUM
Most assassins are known by names suggesting danger, such as Flamedemon or shadow. I, however am a female assassin known as Poobum. Not very scary darey but it all happened by mistake only a few evenings ago. I never wanted to be an assassin; my calling was to entertain. I had put a lot of effort in for most of my life just to be heard singing by the public. Many times I have tried to get a gig in the broken drum and it was on one of these times that I ended up being Poobum the assassin.
After being told to bugger off for asking to sing in the bar, I got completely drunk and became very depressed, wondering why I had been put on the Disc. I was joined by a friend of mine who sat next to me and proceeded to drink the night away. After I had rambled on to him about how meaningless my life was, he suggested that I join the assassins' guild. This seemed like a perfectly good idea after 10 tankards of ale and I had heard that assassins are paid well. So I was decided on what profession I should go in to and all that was left to do was for me and my friend to come up with an interesting assassin's name. Out of Donkey Bonker, Snake Eyes and Poobum, the latter appealed the most in my drunken state. Now fully prepared, my friend and I wobbled down the road heading for the assassins' guild singing "a wizard's staff has a knob on the end" at the top of our voices. I awoke in a gutter with a splitting headache and a student of the assassins' guild.
REMSTER
My name is Remster of Viper House. I am a Human Assassin. The only weapons that I use are my limbs, a dagger, and bad jokes - a speciality of mine as anyone who knew me would agree. I say knew me because the life of the assassin is longest when your best friend is yourself and yourself only. I believe my passion for assassination came from, at its roots, boredom. The world just spins round and round, and Nothing Ever Happens. People walk along the street, and even murders were nothing special - just someone looking for a fast buck. I'd sit ear the edge of the disc, or on the Ankh, or I'd travel around. It was when I was on a rooftop, looking at the streets below as we look at ants, all life buzzing around oblivious to anything above. And then inspiration came to me.
It was around the time that the Patrician had decided to implement a system of Guilds to make the city run more efficiently. Respect to that man for such precise logical thought. I thought about which Guild I'd join; I was happy to a certain extent continuing to hide and sneak onto ships to travel and although I was able to be so silent that even frisky cats got a fright, I was just losing interest at a very quick rate. And then it struck me. I was born to be the best Assassin of them all. Paid well, given status, and always in work. As well as this - if I didn't like someone I could legally hurt them. For life. Or death, rather. Yes. This was for me. And also I like black. And I get to wear what I want. So there.
Admittedly I've had a rough start to my career - taking snippets of work here and there - but when people see me, it's not for any measurable length of time. So be afraid. Very, very, afraid.
Because I'm coming to get you if you're not.
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