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Just Humor Me Archives: Tops Are From Jupiter, Bottoms Are From Uranus A Thousand Years From Now, We'll All Look Back At This And Laugh... Pity, Party Of One, Your Table Is Ready... The Bustin' Stereotypes Across America Tour The Jerry Falwell Free Gay Advertising Program It's Safer Sex Story Time, Boys & Girls! Heterosexuals Ate My Balls, But They Couldn't Swallow the Irony! We Weren't Recruited, We Enlisted!
This DVD video will certainly make you think about Gods and Monsters.
More than just gay trivia, this book has history, facts, figures, and more.
In partnership with Amazon.com.
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The other day I was having a drink in a video/S&M (Stand & Model) bar when they started playing that Masterbeat video mix. You know, the one where it looks like they raided a West Hollywood gym, played incessant house music, and filmed the ripply and studly men inside posing and dancing. At least you can tell they’re gay because they can actually find a beat. It should be called the Masturbate video mix. Anyway, it struck me as odd what gay and straight people think the "gay lifestyle" is. To most straights, gay men are lisping effeminate pansies that are plotting to take over the Boy Scouts and teach them hair styling. But many gay men believe the ideal gay man is a buff, beautiful, goateed, Caesar haircut, chisel-chested, Genre-reading, hunka hunka burnin’ love with a stamina of a horse and a penis to match. The two stereotypes couldn’t be more opposite. And that got me a-thinkin’. And so the idea of the Bustin’ Stereotypes Across America Tour was born. This is how it goes. Make up the name of some circuit event. Pick a random color, add the word BALL to the end, and voila! Create an ad featuring some muscular stud holding a huge sphere of same color and place it in all the gay mags in West Hollywood, San Francisco, and New York, plus Out Magazine and Circuitnoize. Rent a huge bus or two a la Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. On the selected date, have all the gym dandies and circuit clones board the bus, explaining the party’s in a secret location. Pass out the cocktails and recreational drugs, and they’re off! Off on a cross-country tour to Odessa Texas, Branson Missouri, Colorado Springs Colorado, Asheville North Carolina, Tulsa Oklahoma, Montgomery Alabama, and every podunk redneck town in between. Anywhere in America where out gay people have a better chance of getting killed than getting laid. Basically anywhere in the South. It’s time to bust some stereotypes! You see, since grade school the average straight guy has been ingrained with the notion that gay men are wimpy and nelly, and that their friends will think they’re cool if they beat some gay people up. In the worst cases they actually think it’s okay to kill a queer if they think they’ve been hit on, just to save face. Imagine their surprise when a busload of macho (looking), muscular, bare-chested Titans roll into town and start raising a little hell. If we can get the idea into their heads that all gay men look like this (or they will once they graduate from high school), we can help save thousands of queer teenagers from harassment, abuse, and suicide. Plus we’ll give them a more-positive self-image of themselves. Not to mention something to fantasize about for the rest of their lives! I guess it should be called "The Replacin’ Stereotypes Across America Tour." Call me cynical, but I believe that most Americans need stereotypes to hold up their fragile grasp of reality, and to make them feel better about themselves by putting down other people who are different (hmm, kinda sounds like a religion). If people don’t have stereotypes to clutch on to, they either fall into depression and start taking Prozac, or they become intellectual and start talking like Camille Paglia. So to get rid of one stereotype a different one must replace it. In this case, the plan is to replace the old stereotype with a new one that will keep us from getting the snot beat out of us. Ideally we want to dispose of all stereotypes altogether and not replace them with anything, but let’s get real. This is America we’re talking about, not some Star Trek fantasy world. Besides, even in Star Trek there aren’t any openly gay people either. So you’ve got a busload of horny, pumped-up Hercules and Adonises bouncing from town to town, scaring the crap out of the closed-minded straight guys that used to bully us in high school. It won’t be as expensive as you might think. They won’t need food since they’ll be energized with crystal meth. Hell, the bus itself could run on crystal meth! We’ll just have to airlift one of them to a hospital every now and then like at any circuit party. And think of all the good they can do! We can even charge cover beforehand to raise money for AIDS charities. And as a journalist, I’d be forced to travel with them to cover the event for the gay press and be the occasional sex toy. Me on a bus full of horny, pumped-up circuit boys. Just twist my arm! Unfortunately they’d probably stow me away in the luggage area like the rest of the extra baggage. At the end of the tour the bus would pull into St. Louis, where it would be met by a bunch of us regular joes who have never taken steroids, been in a Masterbeat video, or ever been to a circuit party. Then we would commence pelting them with rotten eggs, just because. Yes, we may want to sleep with them and look like them, but as any woman who has tried to fit into a bikini knows, the ideal is desirable but not always attainable. Plus my fragile grasp of reality is at stake! Please send any comments to Kerry Shatzer by e-mailing [email protected] or visit /westhollywood/2555/fqm0.html. Or don’t!
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