What would make these kids do such a thing? Most of these pages are a strange kind of tribute to their object of affection. Maybe they’re meant to humanize celebrities, bring them more down-to-earth by having them munch genitalia. Many refer to themselves as fair-use parody sites, and therefore not subject to legal prosecution. Others can’t stand their object of derision, and so make them do things they wouldn’t do themselves (but constantly think about, obviously). Or maybe they’ve drunk too much cheap beer. Whatever the reason, these pages are spreading faster than crabs at a swingers party. It’s so bad there’s a "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon Ate My Balls" page. But I think there’s more to this phenomenon than meets the eye.

     Does it seem to you that men talking about eating other guys’ balls are just a tad homoerotic? Forget the cannibalization part, though. Just saying you’d let another man near enough to swallow your nuts sounds just a bit, well, queer. It seems to me that popular culture is littered with actions considered macho and straight but have a huge homosexual undercurrent flowing underneath. Professional sports, fraternities, and the armed forces are good examples. In the Army you’re expected to work out, train, and shower with members of the same sex, not to mention share sleeping barracks with a whole bunch of them. Why do fraternities have all those paddles, hmm? And what’s with all the patting of asses in football and baseball? Because they made a good play or did a good job? Someone patted my ass in Clementine’s this weekend, and it wasn’t because I did a good job buying a beer (maybe it was because I made a good play, though). Yet when you mention the gay innuendoes, the straight world either draws a blank or gets offended. No surprise there.

     The other day I was watching the Cardinals game on TV. Scratch, adjust, spit. Repeat. You know, if those cups are so damn itchy, maybe they shouldn’t wear them. Baseball must be the only show on prime time that actually shows men touching their crotches and gets away with it. Hell, they focus on it. Right before the pitch, the cameraman gets a close-up of the catcher’s box (literally), where the catcher’s signaling the pitcher by brushing his fingers against his package. Last time I saw action like that, Ryan Idol was sending a signal to Joey Stefano that certainly couldn’t be misinterpreted as a curve ball. After the game I had to take a long shower.

     And then there’s professional wrestling, an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one. Hunky, sweaty men in skimpy skin-tight suits grappling with each other trying to pin each other on the floor. Hello, where do I sign up? Even a dog show doesn’t have as many noses buried into crotches. My favorite move is the Piledriver - it’s like a kinky 69. If Goldberg or Buff Bagwell wanted to eat your balls, would you say no? I sure as hell wouldn't! Besides the obvious eroticism, wrestling is similar to something else dear to gay men’s hearts: drag shows. There’s more drama, upstaging, choreography, posing, illusions, and makeup at any WCW match than at the Miss Gay Missouri pageant. And the crowds at these wrestling matches just eat it all up. Yet they don’t see the queer connection. The signal is being sent, but the meaning is being garbled in the transmission.

     Where do you draw the line between a good buddy that you snap towels with in the locker room, and a good buddy that’s occasionally a fuck buddy? Well, the fuck part I guess. But you have to admit there’s not much difference between a health club and a bathhouse. They both have lockers, a weight room, a sauna, a steam bath, and a hot tub. Some just work more muscles than the other. So straight people can go on eating each other’s balls in perfect naivet�. It’s just another one of life’s little ironies. Having your balls eaten by another man doesn’t make you gay. But damn, it sure doesn’t hurt!

I’m currently working on my own page, "Nobody’s Eating My Balls, Unfortunately." Just humor me by e-mailing [email protected] or visit /westhollywood/2555/fqm0.html.

 

 

As revealed in this shocking new unofficial autobiography, when former football player Reggie White isn't denouncing homosexuality to anyone who will listen, he's secretly harvesting balls to feed his ravenous fetish.  Some athletes drink raw eggs for energy; the former Packer finds that extra boost he needs from testosterone-filled testicles.   While as a minister Mr. White has done many good things for Christians; but his numerous anti-gay comments could be a cover to hide his guilty secret: he likes balls.   But that didn't stop the Southern Baptists from asking him to speak at their 1999 convention!  Buy the book today!  Over 25,000 copies sold and 50,000 balls eaten!

 

Here we see Pat Robertson reading from his favorite book, The Book of Balls.  When he's not forecasting the weather for sin cities like Orlando, he's in the backyard firing up the grill to try some new recipes from The Book of Balls.  The Book includes over 700 Club recipes, from spaghetti and meatBalls to casserole dishes.  Plus the Book contains cryptic passages that can be mis-translated to condemn homosexuality!  It's the Ball Recipe Bible!

 

This Ate My Balls Ring Site is owned and operated by Just Humor Me.

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