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Just Humor Me:
The Jerry Falwell Free Gay Advertising Program

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     If there’s one thing the Religious Right can be counted on, excluding rampant homophobia, is that sooner or later one of them will say something utterly ridiculous and outrageous and be made fun of by everyone else for awhile until the next one says something stupid, etcetera. It’s hard to tell what started it all. Last year Pat Robertson said Orlando should be on the lookout for hurricanes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor because they allowed Pride flags to be displayed during Pride month. So far Orlando’s only been plagued with lots of rain and old people. If Pat Robertson’s as lousy a preacher as he is a weather forecaster, I certainly wouldn’t trust him with my immortal soul. Of course I already know what his forecast for me would be: "Expect very hot temperatures for the rest of eternity!"

     Next there was Jerry Falwell’s comments on how the Antichrist will return as a Jewish man and that Teletubbie Tinky Winky is gay. Just think if the show was called "Oy vey! Teletubbies!" Then Falwell could combine the two and warn bored housewives that the Antichrist is a singing rabbi on a kids TV show who has a yarmulke on his head instead of a triangle and carries around a siddur instead of a "magic bag." The whole thing was just ludicrous. After all the hoopla, the only outcome was that sales of the Tinky Winky doll rose dramatically in San Francisco and New York.

     Now Anheuser Busch has created an ad for gay publications showing two men holding hands and saying "Be yourself and make it a Bud Light." Actually this is nothing new. AB has been advertising in gay magazines for years along with quite a few other mainstream companies like IBM, Saturn, Absolut Vodka, Naya, Saab, Borders, Subaru, Miller Lite, even Coors Light. But Falwell threw a hissy fit about the ad. Where the hell has he been? What’s so funny about all this is the way Falwell put it: "Let’s keep the heat on Anheuser Busch so that they understand that pro-family Americans are terribly concerned about homosexual images coming into our homes through reckless advertising campaigns." Huh? Since the ads are in gay magazines available only at gay bars and bookstores, how the hell are these images going to get into their homes? Osmosis? A gang of gay anti-thieves? The ad was targeted to gay men only. If AB wanted to sell more beer, they should have shown two women making out so they’d hit the lesbians and the straight male population.

     So this is my idea. Do you have a gay product that’s been around for a few years and sales are dropping off a bit? Want to boost those profits? Then just use the Jerry Falwell Free Gay Advertising Program! Make their own publicity machine work for you! Just remember this simple equation: CONTROVERSY + PUBLICITY = $$$$$! And they do it all for you. Just follow these simple steps, and soon reporters will be knocking down your door. It’s so easy, it’s a sin!

     First, get your product ready. Let’s say you sell those Billy dolls (which you can buy online at www.billyworld.com) and sales are down. Make a limited edition Billy preacher doll based on the movie "Priest" (actually you don’t have to do this – just pretend like you did… it doesn’t matter!). That’ll really get their dander up! Next prepare an Action Alert, kind of like a press release except you’re only going to send it to Jerry Falwell. In the Alert, pretend you’re a concerned mother/teacher/clergyman/busybody. Also pick a fake church name that you belong to. Just randomly select four or five of the following words and add "Church" in there somewhere: First, Second, Third, Fourth, Congregational, Trinity, Christian, Glory, Temple, Disciples of, Faith, New Life, Grace, Holy, Cross, Our Savior, Blessed, Hope, Spirit, United, Assembly, of, the, Your City Name. Give it a try. It works every time!

     Now write your Action Alert warning Jerry Falwell of this "heinous" and "abomination" of a product. Be creative! Mention that you saw it in a school classroom, children’s web site, or Nickelodeon commercial. Relate your own child’s corruption by the product. Throw in that he/she/it also listens to Marilyn Manson, Insane Clown Posse, and George Michael. That gets ‘em every time! Then tearfully describe your child’s descent into the world of gay Dungeons & Dragons, witchcraft, voodoo, and flower arrangements. All because of one gay product (yours!). Don’t worry about the truth: Falwell won’t check up on it anyway. He’ll just make some exaggeration and soon he’ll be spreading the news that the gay priest Billy doll is raping Ken dolls in Toys ‘R Us stores across the nation. Wow, what a tagline! Falwell will send out desperate messages about your product on TV, radio, and e-mail faster than you can say "Show me the money!" The media will soon be all over you to get your side, where you simply say that Falwell made it all up and make him look like an idiot! Gay people will think you’re a hero and buy your product, and straight people will buy it just to see what all the fuss is about. Cha-ching!

     So forget billboards and stupid jingles. Use the Religious Right’s homophobia to your advantage to get your message out. It’s easy, it’s free, and it’s oh so ironically satisfying!

 

Please send any comments to Kerry (at least I’m finally using my Marketing degree for something!) Shatzer by e-mailing [email protected] or visit /westhollywood/2555/fqm0.html.

 

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