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Just Humor Me Archives: Tops Are From Jupiter, Bottoms Are From Uranus A Thousand Years From Now, We'll All Look Back At This And Laugh... Pity, Party Of One, Your Table Is Ready... The Bustin' Stereotypes Across America Tour The Jerry Falwell Free Gay Advertising Program It's Safer Sex Story Time, Boys & Girls! Heterosexuals Ate My Balls, But They Couldn't Swallow the Irony! We Weren't Recruited, We Enlisted!
Your millenium party will be a huge success with tips from Martha Stew... well, never mind.
End 1999 with a bang! This book will definitely help.
In partnership with Amazon.com.
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For the last issue of Slam before the millennium, I wanted to write a sweeping column about homosexuality throughout the last 1,000 years, chronicling everything from queer Pope Benedict IX (1020 – 1055) to Quentin Crisp (1908 – 1999) and everyone in between. But here it is midnight the day before this column is due on my editor’s desk and I haven’t even written a single paragraph yet. Not to mention the fact that I’m only 30 years old so I’ve only witnessed three percent of this century, and most of that 3% I was either too young or too drunk to appreciate what was happening around me. Plus I have a terrible memory. Hell, in college I took History 101 three times before passing it. So you won’t find a comprehensive essay about the last queer 1,000 years here, bucko.
What about a stunning recap of gay issues in 1999? A
lot sure has happened this year. James Hormel
finally became the ambassador to Luxembourg, prompting many people to ask, “Where the
hell is Luxembourg?” Pfc. Barry Winchell
was murdered in Kentucky, causing the government to review the “Don’t Ask,
Don’t Tell” policy with a fine-tooth baseball bat. Tinky Winky was outed by Jerry Falwell, who then
surprised everyone by revealing that Bert and Ernie are living in sin and Big Bird is
really a transsexual. My advice is to go out
and buy the latest Advocate magazine, which has better resources, pictures, and writers
than me. But our magazine is free, so maybe
you get what you pay for!
How about a look into the future of homosexuality in the next century? There are definitely some issues that I think will
come to a focal point in the 21st century.
Could genetic engineering actually wipe out homosexuality? Will the Religious Right overtake the government
someday? If we make First Contact with an
alien race, will they be gay, straight, or just eat us for food? And will Jodie Foster ever come out? These are the questions that keep me awake at
night. Okay, so I’m no Nostradamus. The only prediction that I’m making is that
for the next thousand years, some men will still have sex with other men, some women will
find only other women attractive, and we’ll both make fun of the bisexuals.
Speaking of sex, what do you think the future will hold on the subject of sex? Just look at all the pornography sites that have
popped up all over the Internet in the last few years.
Who do you think first used video conferencing over the web, digital cameras, chat
software, and image compression? It sure
wasn’t Yahoo! Just imagine the plugins
and peripherals of the future. Vibrators that
plug into your USB port? Virtual reality
devices that simulates touch, smell, taste, sight, and that awkward morning-after
breakfast? One-handed or voice-controlled
keyboards so you don’t have to stop jerking off to type? Androids that perform sex better than humanly
possible? The possibilities are endless! Excuse me; I have to go take a long shower…
Okay, I’m back. I guess the question
that is on most LGBT’s minds is if someday in the future we will finally receive all
the same rights that heterosexual people take for granted now. Will we be able to marry our partners, be safe on
the streets, not be fired from our jobs, and adopt children like straight people do? Or will we have to go colonize our own planet
where only gay people are allowed and the dress code is strictly enforced? One thing is for certain: we’ll have to find
other planets to colonize soon if the heterosexuals don’t slow down the rate of
reproduction. Didn’t the Earth just
surpass over 6 billion inhabitants? Or was
that homesteadonalds customers served? Overpopulation
is definitely one thing the Republicans can’t blame on homosexuals! Just like in the year 999,
some people are saying the world is going to come to an end. Is the dreaded Y2K bug going to cause disasters
all over the world? Will my car payment
suddenly be 100 years overdue? Will the
economy collapse if people withdraw all their money from banks, or will the tech stocks
rally and save Wall Street again? Will that
warrant for my arrest for speeding in Texas from ’92 mysteriously disappear? Hey, ya gotta look at the bright side
sometimes… Perhaps the Final Reckoning will occur at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve. Fuck that Personal Property Tax, then! See if I pay that damn bill. Only in Missouri would they screw you with a huge bill right around Christmas. But I digress. Maybe the final showdown between God and Satan is right around the corner. Since I’m an atheist, if that happens I’ll be safe because I don’t believe in it. But I’ve got some advice for those of you planning on getting ripped that night. Make sure you have a huge pack of gum, breath mints, or a bottle of mouthwash at hand, because if St. Peter’s at the Gate and he smells liquor on your breath, you’re toast. Big time! With all the technological advances humans have made over the past 1,000 years, what have we learned from it all (and this column)? Not a damn thing! They say history is doomed to repeat itself. Maybe so, but we have better music this time around.
"May Old Acquantaince Be... Oh, hell, it's over already!" Just humor me by e-mailing [email protected] or visit /westhollywood/2555/fqm0.html.
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