I shall  list  the number of different sufferings both physical and mental , I had gone through  in my life up to now.  Our  family  with  father, mother and  children were living a very and peaceful life. My father was a head master and got involved in politics when I was  eight  and  this busy life made him to resign from the school.. He spent  very little time at home.
After one year  mother also joined politics and began going with the father and was made president of  women’ group. Hence, she had to do a lot of traveling and  thus she started neglecting her children. Only grand mother was there to care for us. Father started  selling things one by one for political purpose. I as a  girl started feeling that this  is due to my parents mistake. My little mind was filled with hatred for my mother.I played mischiefs to pain my mother. At the  age of  eleven I  ran away from home. One of my aunts  who was a superior in a convent made me stay there  and for  next ten years I was in a boarding run by the same convent. My uncle priest  helped  me in those years and many forced me to go home , but I never went .My mother ,who  was pained very deeply died at the  age of 36. I did not have the luck to see the body of my mother as I was on a tour those days. Years after I came to know that when dying , she held my  photo  tightly to her  chest. This filled my heart  with guilt feelings. After six months my  father died. In the meanwhile  I was adamant to join a convent and my father did not want me instead to get married. I did not care to fulfil his wish because  a man  had  tried  to rape me when I about 12 luckly I managed  to save myself.  This factor I could not  tell my father or anyone. This pain brought  death to  him too.within three months of  my fathers’s death one  of my brothers died, thus  within a year three deaths in my family.Then I too thought of dying  and longed and prayed for death every day.Oneday, I fell from top of the stairs and broke my leg. I had  to remain in bed for  six  months. After that  I started suffering from a headache which never left me for years. Besides this I suffered  constant cold and had. SM.R  operation.Again  my  nose was operated . during  this time  I battled between death and  life as my lungs  were filled with  blood clots and as  I was  discharged  from the  hospital I had  a fall  which  broke my eyebrow and forehead  when waliking out of the hospital.
After  this for one year, I suffered  bleeding.Doctor advised me to remove the uterous and also the  overies.while getting ready for the operation an inexperienced nurse  inserted the catheter  in a  very horrible and dangerous way  and  no body  cared to find out  what was  wrong  with my dying  pain and  even  after one day after the  operation,  even when there was  no urine out put and finally  when  I yelled and  threatened to pull out all the tubes  they came and found out what was wrong and in the meanwhile the whole area was infected  with  tremendous  amount of puss.  After  some time my bones started  to become weak due to which my hands started shivering. I could not raise my hands. I found difficult to walk as my knees  were dislocating. Went  to many doctors  for this to noavail.
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Doctors  advised me for a  knee operation.  I could not afford it.  Once when I was crossing the road  my knees gave way  and I was saved from the tyres of a truck by one or two inches and immediately admitted in the hospital for injuries  and was  with traction for  three months which was of not much use.  Since then I could not  climb steps . For  years   I was  dragging my  legs and walk.  Meanwhile , I  met with another bus accident when  my head and  shoulder got injured.
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I was  in a situation where I  could not even do my personal work because of the  pain in hands.  For six months I  was again in hospital under traction  Did  physiotherapy together with it. I suffered severe asthama. I was not able  to  breath, lost sleep in the night and it lasted for  four years. One morning  I went  to get some hot water as  when chest pain and cough became severe. At that moment the  cooker  burst and  all the stuff which  was inside  was sprayed on to me. My  face and hands   got  very badly  burned… again I had  a fall and   leg  had a fracture  which  got infected . my  broken  leg was kept in hanging position for  35  days  The pain was so severe that I did not know how days and nights had passed. One day the doctor came and told me that there is no other way than   ambutating the leg. I was so shocked that   I asked him to give me three days time to prepare my mind. He agreed to my request and  surprisingly, on the third day  pain and swelling  became less,  black  color also  began to change. But the   doctor had  told that he  had to remove the infected  flesh from  my thigh.  The  nurses were  given instruction to prepare me  with local  anesthesia which they had  not done and  when doctor  came he was told everything is ok and  he  cuts  me without  anesthesia…..Even now my body shivers  when I remember that pain. That woun d took 6 months to heal and I slowly started to walk.
This same wound was  daily  cleaned by a a doctor sister, very crudely and  very very cruelly   to spite me as  she thought  I  was careless to care for myself. I fell down in the toilet one night as  there was no light and  an iron  bar pierced into my  groin as  I fell. For this she was   punishing me! How   could I  explain the agony I went  thru  as this  sister carried out her duty….for three months?. 
Thus  one day  as I was sitting   with pain of this  wound and other old pains the superior of the convent  where I was working as a cook came  to ask me to meet Fr. Vijayanand, SJ  who was directing  a retreat  there,
Then I came to Belgaum  18 years ago  and  made  one month INNER FREEDOM RETREAT. On the fifth day I was healed of asthama which did not trouble me till today. I was suffering from this ashtham for 6 years. I was so scared of darkness as I used to see a white figure  all the time following me for years which affected my sleep along with asthma. My shivering of the hands also  disappeared. My knees got fully ok till I had a fall in the church from the kneeler after  ten years which cracked my my  knee cap  which brought so much suffering to me for  all these years…
Even after the retreat  my anger and  guilt feelings did not vanish from me. But  I could not  forgive. However I tried,  but  I was not willing to do it. I worked a lot for it. I had come a second time recently  not quite  enthusiastically for another retreat.  Once Father told me to go and  hold the feet of the crucified Lord in the chapel  and pray. I do not know how long I stayed like that and at  3 am   I experienced a  kind of peace with in me. I got the grace to forgive all those who did harm to me, the gilt feelings too vanished and also  I  felt I am free from anger. This brought a lot of joy and peace in me.
I go back to my first retreat experience. On the last day going to the railway station father was driving and suddenly  his vehicle’s break failed  and went and hit a standing bus, my healed knees were  again got injured and nothing happened  to other  persons in the vehicle!.  As I was traveling in the  train because of this knee pain I was standing at the closed door and all of a sudden a man came  and pushed open the door , which
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hit  on my face,  three teeth fell, chin bone got damaged, after some hours I was taken to  a hospital where I was  given an injection by a nurse  and she left me suddenly and in the morning a doctor found me bleeding almost going into coma . I had felt giddy and fallen again injuring my head hitting against the corner of the table…. I was not lucky to die at that time bleeding before the doctor  found me in that state. Again I had to  have traction for many days and on the last   day the nurse who was removing  the weights dropped one of them  on my  leg  which smashed  three of my toes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a terrible abscess  from  the injection I  received  as the medicine did not go in properly which needed another operation.
When I got well some what  I got a job in Dubai as house maid. After reaching  there  I  again  began getting pain in my body due to change of climate, headache and  the whole body started shivering. My legs could not support  the weight of the body.  I had another fall again there. My BP went very high.  After three months again a fall which  broke m hand . it took four months to heal.
8 years ago on  a good Friday as I was praying in the church I suddenly slipped from the pew and my knee cap was  cracked of  the left leg. For this I had to remain in bed for three months with great pain. There after traction and physiotherapy.  I had to bear a lot of pain. Again one more fall  and three teeth were broken. One tumor  formed on the forehead  together  with high BP and sever stomach pain.  When xray was taken   there were kidney stones.  The pain in the stomach was increasing day by and  finally  endoscopy was done and  in that process I almost died of pain. Doctor could not  understand why I had such pain.
At the age of 18 while I was  stiching, I kept a needle in my mouth  and as I dozed the needle went into my  throat. To my bad luck the doctor  to whom I was taken  said eat a  lot of plantains and it  will come out. Later I had forgotton about it .while the endoscopy was done the needle  escaped from the stomach and  got positioned in the  chest just below the heart.  This needle might have been the cause  of the stomach pains for the last twenty eight years. .this is  the fifth year since the needle is in the chest. Even recently I had taken an xray  which shows it is in the same place.
My only thought  used to be how to die because of these pains and tragedies one after another.  Before I met Fr. Vijay  I had already  decided to commit suicide on Jan 8th,the feast of our Lady, but the retreat changed  my mind at that time 18 years ago.

Though I was not  willing  I was in a way forced to attend another  retreat in jan 09 which did marvels for me.  I am healed of all the pains, my knee is fully ok, the hand which could not be lifted  got fully free and my spondilosis  also after so many years got healed. I can eat any strong spicy food , no stomach pain any more ( except the needle in the chest which does not  give any pain now) .
All this  I got  only through the constant guidance of Fr V in the retreat and  I had to slog for my inner freedom, physical healing and peace.

                                                               
4-When I  was a  small girl my nun aunts and priest uncles used to tell me to suffer  for the Lord and make reparation for  the sins of the world and I can remember  praying daily with lighted candle  asking the Lord to burn me like that candle. In all my pains I was in a way happy that I could suffer for the Lord. It is only in this retreat  I some how came to learn  a little about  the role of my subconscious mind in my life  of sort of unending suffering.  It was not at all easy to forgive others, especially my parents and some others, and to accept finally all that went wrong in my life from the loving hands of God as His sweet  will. GOD IS GREAT.