When we look into our own self what happens to us when others hurt us and if we do not forgive, we see that one hurt creates certain amount of ill feelings - anger, sadness etc. Then what happens to us if we don't forgive? These feelings start multiplying or growing, just because, we remember them. Often we are not free to forget, though we try consciously to forget .

A word said years ago, we still remember, a nasty remark about us we will remember for years and years, a betrayal, anything which in any way is unpleasant to us we remember easily. And we are surprised that good things what others do to us we forget very easily. But what bad ways others do to us we do not forget and we constantly remember if the hurts are deeper. Memory without freedom multiplies negative feelings. The moment I remember a person who spoilt my name, naturally I will become very very sad, angry again. And in my daily life usually I cannot go thinking on these things so I distract myself either in a very worldly way or in a very spiritual way. We can always spiritualise things, but spiritualising in our way may not remove our negative feelings. We have to be in touch with our feelings. What happens to us when we remember what others have done against us? Don't we feel bad in one way or other? We always have to remember that feelings created by others - not the superficial ones but the deeper ones, always grow within us if we do not stop or wipe them out from their roots. In this context we must remember the scripture telling us "Do not let the sun go down on your anger", a very very deep teaching for us. We need to pay attention to such important teaching. Jesus from the cross said to his father "Father, forgive them because they know not what they are doing". Is it only because he was interested in giving forgiveness others, who unjustly crucified Him? Or wasn't it also for Him to die in "Freedom" that He forgave people? Why did He insist very much on forgiving? Certainly it is from His own experience. If He had not forgiven, today we would not have looked upon Him as a man who is liberated. Unwillingness to forgive is the sign of slavery. Unwillingness to forgive is to sell ourselves to others who have done wrongs to us. There is a natural feeling of taking revenge in everyone of us. Even the animals take revenge. But we are forbidden to take revenge directly by our religion. This is a new teaching of Jesus, very very contrary to the teaching of the old testament, "Tooth for tooth, nail for nail". Just because of a teaching negative feelings don't disappear. Feelings will be there. This is what we have to become more and more aware that we are continuously allowing ourselves to be slaves of people who did harm to us in the past especially, also in the present. Why does the scripture tell us "Do not allow the sun go down on your anger, that is don't prolong your slavery to the next day. Be a wise person, be a liberated person. If you don't become aware of our own self interest we will not easily forgive, because of that itch - to take revenge, we always postpone, contemplating "I must hit back".

I must hit back, then only I'll be happy or satisfied. We come across so many people telling, "I will never never forget." "I will never never forgive this one, till the end of my life even if I do not have the chance of getting salvation." If person is saying this, that shows, the level of his feelings. There are hurts which are superficial which could be healed within a short time.

There are some chronic wounds caused by others that may not heal at all. It is for us to become aware of the type of wounds that we have within. Very many of us consider ourselves free because we go for confession and also make general confessions. In way the sacrament is a means of making us free but it often happens to us that this same sacrament may become an obstacle for us to look into our own feelings. We feel that what is important is to make an act of contrition, to tell the priest our sins and get the absolution. But we do not bother to look into the depth of our own inner self. We do not care to be in touch with our inner freedom, we do not bother to be in touch with our negative feelings. But we have experienced this and have seen that how often people are doing the same. As soon as we get up from the confessional we avoid a person against whom we have had ill feelings or negative feelings of whatever type, just because we have made a wonderful confession. We don't feel comfortable to kneel close to that person! Does it make us feel free to go and talk to that person or even if we don't talk to that person to look at that person without any disturbance within? Very often we look at the other side to avoid the very sight of that person who has hurt us. That is the reason we have to look into. Am I free in my feeling level? Ah - This is very, very important. Am I free in my feeling level? If I am not free, then my forgiving is not complete. If my forgiving is complete then my negative feeling also will not be there.

When we have good feelings towards one we feel good to be with that person, if we have negative feelings against that person we feel to avoid that person and we do not enjoy that person's company at all. Forgiving is not only a mental activity but it involves a person's body and mind and spirit. But we have made it purely a mental activity. We are avoiding to involve the body and that's why even after many confessions we are not in a position to be really in good terms with others. We keep away from others. We feel good in being away from others because of certain negative feelings. So the need of awareness in order to be able to find out our own negative feelings, whether we have forgiven perfectly, fully, in order to enjoy our freedom.

We come across people who are not happy or cannot be happy with parents even, if it is very very late in their life, whether it is sixty or seventy or eighty or above. There are no warm feelings, whether it is with their sister, friend or any other family members. If a person who hurts us, who in no way emotionally belongs to us, we don't feel very much. But when a very close friend betrays us, our pain is much more. Our hurts are greater or lesser according to our relationship with others who hurt us. That's why we feel it is very difficult to forgive our parents, if they have hurt us. It is very difficult to forgive our intimate friends if they have hurt us very deeply. It is very difficult to forgive God if He has "hurt" us. That means, our feeling level is deeper than what we imagine. Sometimes we imagine, forgiving is very easy, because we have been trained either in childhood or in religious life, before going to bed to do that good act of forgiving and go to sleep. If what we may is true, why do we find lots of revenges in the families, among friends among religious people, priests and bishops? If forgiveness is a sign of freedom, if forgiveness is the foundation of not taking revenge, why are we seeing in our religious life that people are going on taking revenge in one way or another, in a very crude way, or in very subtle way? There is no other explanation that people are not free, that they have not forgiven. Otherwise they will not take revenge. When a father or mother not showing any concern or love towards a particular son or daughter, there will be definitely unforgiven hurt feelings. We do unwelcoming things to others only when our inside is not o.k. Why do we go on finding faults with others, cook up stories which are not there at all in order to spoil others name? Because we have hurt feelings within. Whether it is jealousy or hurt feeling, even jealousy comes to hurt feeling. So we must be humble enough to accept that confessions alone do not take us into liberation fully. It is in way an obstacle to us in order not to look into us in the feeling level which is the most real and honest level. We glorify ourselves by saying to ourselves and to others I have made a good confession, I am receiving communion. But if we are humble enough we are able to accept to ourselves if not to others that confession and communion do not guarantee the good feelings within. They are supposed to, but that may not be our experience. Just because we have received communion doesn't mean we can go and relate to a person who has deeply hurt us, it is not easy. What we normally do is continuously avoid such people. So deeper the wounds, deeper the struggle to forgive. The deeper the wounds the harder the struggle and painful the agony, and if anyone says I can forgive easily, one does not know what one says or it may be just superficial hurts. If the wounds are terrible, forgiving is a real agony, a real death to one's own self, one has to kill oneself in order to forgive.

When one hears about forgiving others, deep within us we feel why we should forgive? Why should I do this, I have not done the wrong, but the other person has done the wrong. Why should I let that person go and enjoy life? The hardest teaching of Jesus is to let my enemy go and enjoy life when he or she has crippled me for life. Jesus tells me let him go, give him a blessings even pray for him. How will I be able to do this? Will it be easy for me unless I become ready to kill myself? Here Jesus' saying comes true, "the greatest sign of love is to die for the other". He used friend but he made it very very clear to us, loving a friend not all that great, anybody does, even a sinner does, but you my disciple have to do greater things and I demand the hardest from you, to love your enemy. So forgiving others is a self killing, means a very painful process. Very often we think that forgiving is just an act of the will, just once is enough that is only, because we are not in touch with our feelings. If we are in touch with our feelings we realize that forgiving is a long process - if the hurts are deep. Superficial hurts we can get rid off by forgiving first time. But there are hurts which take years to get out. We have to go on and on and on - perfecting our forgiving others till we attain our inner freedom. We see, that through negative feelings we are either trying ourselves to others or they are tied to us and they go on hurting us. Actual hurting process is done by us. A person must have hurt me years ago, but my memory or through my memory I keep on the process of hurting me non-stop and the only way stop this process of hurting me is to forgive. As long as feelings are not taken care of, my process of liberating may not be complete because, feelings make me remember things and because of my previous feelings unknowingly I get more hurt and actuallyI am doing the foolish thing, the most stupid thing, I am the stupid evil doer to my own self. Very often people talk about devils, but the real devil in me may be I myself. I just don't want to get out of my hurts and thus spoil my life and

spoil others' life too. But Jesus comes and gives us a beautiful means to be free to enjoy our life. In all its happiness and freedom. But just because it is put in a command we feel why should we obey, and why should we take the trouble now? We will wait, let us see later. But we are damaging ourselves. We have to become aware that it is for our own good that we have to forgive. I have to become self interested to know the worth of forgiving and most of he time I am against myself because I am not willing to forgive. Though in one way it looks selfishness, it is really self destruction by not forgiving. Jesus in His prayer shows us a means using the Old Testament image when a debtor takes a loan he signed a receipt as a proof. So Jesus uses this image saying you destroy that receipt, that proof against your enemy completely, so that you can't catch him again. You let him go free, completely free. It needs high spiritual power to let people go free if they have done great damages to us in one way or other.If we are looking for any undoubtful spiritual experience of which we can be very very sure, it is, this that one of forgiving others. If our forgiving is genuine, we can say to ourselves, definitely I have a very rich God experience - I don't have to wait for some imaginary or supernatural God-experience can be something very very concrete than what we foolishly imagine.

Often we have said, "I can forgive but I cannot forget" and again we are told if you have forgiven, you should forget. Forgetting is not an essential thing for complete forgiving. Let us keep this in mind. We can go on remembering a person's hurt just because we remember it does not mean that we have not forgiven. The sign of forgiving is this to be kept in mind- "when I remember am I disturbed"? Even in the slightest way? If I am disturbed in the slightest way then my forgiving is not complete. My feelings are troubling me. But if I remember nothing happens to me, I am completely free, I can remember all the details, nothing disturbs me nor makes me feel taking revenge, absolutely cool and calm, my heart is full of compassion for that person who hurt me deeply - that is the sign I have forgiven, not necessarily forgetting. That is a very very wrong idea that if I have forgiven completely I must forget, not necessarily. Some of us have very beautiful, very powerful memory and when we see those persons we remember but if we do not create even unconsciously some ill feeling within us that is a sign, that we are free persons. Let us keep this in mind.

Now a days we hear a lot about inner healing. There are inner healing services and many think because they have gone through such services they are healed. Very many of us are not healed just because we have participated in some inner healing services. We hear the phrase "healing of memory" connected with inner healing and many are troubled because memory doesn't go away. Can't forget. So we may have to use a better phrase "healing of feelings" and not healing of memory. Healing of feelings that is more realistic expression and one has to be in touch with one's feelings, as I said, some of us have to try again and again and again to complete the work of forgiving. When we forgive others we get healed. When we remove the feelings we get healed and forgiving is one of the greatest means of inner freedom, inner peace. How often we have destroyed our peace for years and years just because we did not forgive others. Now a days we are told that anger is one of the greatest factors that creates lots of inner disorders both for mind and body. There are many sicknesses just because of anger. Anger means lack of forgiveness. Let us not misunderstand this. Spontaneous anger is not something wrong that is natural, even Jesus got angry, but keeping that anger which is generated, without allowing that anger to go out of us, that suppressed feeling, collected feeling in the mind and body gives us trouble. The more we are unwilling to forgive, we are allowing anger to be multiplied within us and that gives us trouble. That's why we hear now a days a lot of talk about psychosomatic sicknesses.

Symptoms are all normal realistic ones such as pain, temperature, uneasiness, low mood, everything as if they are really sick, but medicines don't help them. Some sicknesses like Typhoid, T.B., Cholera etc. they are caused by real germs. We cannot say they are psychosomatic but there are some psychological factors by which a person loses the inner resistance, the body resistance, by which the germs become powerful. That also can be a factor for sickness. Any sickness is not psychosomatic, but many of our sicknesses may be affected by our mind or some of our sicknesses are created by our mind by punishing ourselves through guilt feelings. There are some persons who are constantly sick in order to get attention. Otherwise they are ignored by others. So when we come to our own self knowledge we may have to accept these factors that are very unpleasant for us to accept that we have been so foolish. But when are looking for freedom, when we are in search of freedom, we are ready to do anything, we are ready to take any trouble in order to be free as the children of God - in order to enjoy our life, our living. Sometimes years and years of spiritual life does not make us happy. That's why we see sometimes old people so morose, so cranky, we are looking for persons in the old ones to see what is the effect of all the years of prayer. What we see is just the opposite, we are ashamed, we are shocked. We are even scandalized to find no freedom in such people, all because the inside is not free.

We are unwilling to look within our own self. We re only thinking that sacraments will take care of our insides. We are not dealing with our own negative feelings in order to free us. We are told, if we have forgiven we should create normal relationship - Suppose a friend broke away through betrayal and the other one who is betrayed forgives and normally we think that the friend has to go and get the friend back as before in order to know that forgiving is complete and genuine. It's not necessary that we should go to him. Friendship is a gift. After someone has betrayed me am I forced to give that gift to that person even after my forgiving? It does not mean that I don't trust that person again - so I have not forgiven? What is the necessary thing is that when I look at that person when I remember that person, I should not have any ill feelings within me. I am free to give my gift again or not. It may happen that after a betrayal friendship becomes greater than ever before or it stops there. It is my freedom to relate again in that level or not, but I do no harm to that person in any way. I will not wish anything harmful to that person. I will pray for that person. That I will do, but I am not going to relate to that person as before. It is my freedom. I am free to go back to that person or not. So we have a lot to do in this regard of freeing ourselves from others and as I said we may have to for give God even. Some of us may have said in the past or may be saying in the present, I cannot forgive God because He has allowed these things to happen to me. Again I have to struggle with my feelings towards God and get out of it and come to forgive Him in order to free myself. The same thing happens to me when I do not forgive myself because I have done something nasty or missed the opportunity, sins of omission or commission. We hear that what we have committed, what we have not done also can become a part of sin. So, if I do not forgive myself I can negatively become a slave to myself and I will not be free of that negative factor which cripples me from enjoying my living. The more I become free, the more I will be able to enjoy my life, my living. It does not mean that there will not be troubles in future. We only have to look in the lives of Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the other great personalities - Biblical personalities or other saintly persons in any religion. We don't see them trouble free. Jesus had to go through a lot of troubles throughout His life. Mary had to go through a lot of troubles and pains throughout her life. But what is the inner freedom they were enjoying that we will be able to enjoy. The word enjoy doesn't mean that we will be free from pains and limitations of our human living. We should not create another myth while trying to get into freedom. We should not go into another non-reality which will cripple us again. That's why again and again we have to be constantly on the watch out whether our freedom is damaged in any way, by one factor or another. That is a necessity of inner awareness. If we just go on reciting prayers one after another, we can go on reading prayers one after another, we may miss this being with one's self, all alone in silence. Being in silence and deep silence to recognise our inner non-freedom factors and to get rid of them. That is very very essential for our inner peace and joy. Only when we become aware of this non-freedom factors we will deal with them in order to be free. It may take years and years to realise that I have not forgiven my father or mother. It may take years and years to realise that deeply, full 100%, my friend or a companion or someone who wounded me deeply. So it is prayer, along with awareness which will help us to realize our unwillingness to forgive. There are certain wounds which we cannot forgive on our own strength. We need to rely on God. We need to pray a lot for inner strength to make us ready to crush ourselves in order to give up and forgive. We need plenty of prayer for some types of wounds, for some types of hurts in order that we become ready to forgive. That is why sometimes it is a tremendously killing affair, personal killing affair - to forgive deep, deep wounds caused by others. So, that is why we need to create this sort of very very deep inner looking, in order to realize that our forgiving in the past was not all that perfect and in order to enjoy our freedom in its full measure as we are meant for. There is a beautiful reality which is called universal forgiving. We may not be directly hurt by a group of people or a nation, but we might share the hurts of others in a very indirect way which may cause hatred within ourselves. We have to become more and more aware of this factor, also, whether we have hatred towards others who may not be directly connected with us. Our hearts have to be free to forgive everyone. "Everyone under the Sun", whether the oppressors were of the past or of the present, or even of the future. Our hearts have to be generous enough to forgive all types of people. So that we become more and more free like God Himself. Each one of us is happy to call God a forgiving God. Each one of us should be able to share that God reality of forgiving everyone else. In this way everyone can be united with God. As Jesus has given us his own way of being united with him eating His body and drinking his blood and also by keeping His word, His commandments. Of course, one of His greatest commandments is to forgive, and to love one's enemies. Whether they are direct enemies or indirect ones we have to forgive everyone in order to be with God, in order to share His love, to share His power to share His life.