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person. Whole thru my life
I carried the guilt feeling that I am a sinner. What was
worse- this guilt turned into scrupulosity. I was not at
home with my body, feeling body was dirty, confusions became
a torture!. Every time confessing
the same. But here when
I began to go into my lifer story it came out very powerfully
like a hissing cobra, every sight , every move became `sin`
and practically I became insane. Father put me on a working
method first to heal my guilt with much struggle by fifth
day I became better and began to feel at home with my body,
felt a sense of well being. As I was working another layer
of subconscious surfaced what had happened as a religious.
Though the reasoning was strongly
telling me that it is not a sin, the scrupulous mind that
is sick was over powering the right mind. With this war
in mind I was lost. I felt the subconscious wants to destroy
me. Father stood very firm telling me that I have to overcome
by working on it rather than simply telling him.
Even before it could off another unwarranted explosion
of thought came up giving the feeling that I had not been
sincere with Father over the whole working system. This
feeling of scrupulosity was maddening. When I met Father
he said I have gone back to the same old trick of the mind
but I was encouraged to go on and slowly I heard a strong
whispering "Power is within you" and I felt convinced
that I should not depend on others, the power is within
me, I must find my God within me. For this I am grateful
to God and extremely thankful to Father Vijay for his constant
yet merciful and stern approach. I am happy that I am no
more a miserable slave to my negative feelings.
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"Truth will make you
free" was the sentence that struck
me on the first day of retreat. I had really come here
to search for the truth of myself and face it and become
free at least for the rest of my life! Having fed up in
living in fetters of fear, guilt, scrupulosity for years
together. The first three days I could not get in touch
with any feelings. Father's human approach and keen interest
to help me kept my hopes high.
Then something dramatic happened! The screw of my spects
got lost. Father temporarily repaired it and gave it to
me. But I would not wear it without washing it, because
excessive washing is my mania- washing
everything that is touched by others.. follow extraordinary
cleanliness for everything…washing hands after touching
anything. Father made me to wear the spects without washing
it and taught me a method of working over it. I felt immediate
body reaction. The parts where the spects were touching
began itching. I worked over it and felt better. Following
day the spects were made to
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touched by a man . As I was looking at it horrible itching
started and when I wore it I had to undergo terrible agony!
As I was working on it suddenly it dawned on to me that
in order to avoid infection I keep on washing cleaning
etc. When entered deeper into myself with the help of
a few questions of Father I found the reason in my hidden
fear for sickness. When I was 11 yrs old my daddy got
an acute bronchial T.B. for which he was isolated. I was
afraid to approach him, more over frightened to see his
terrible suffering with non stop fever, cough ,injection
wounds. As I worked on it I became better. I lessened
my washing and strongly believe that I can overcome it
and I will do it.
Thereafter I concentrated on my fear of sickness. The
moment I started working my body started reacting and
thus I came to realize the negative feelings are affecting
me. Then I worked on guilt
and scrupulosity. The early years of my life I had the
tragedy of sexually touched by a neighbouring man. This
damaged my whole
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