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Blame Jenova Prudence Numbledinger sat at her computer, frustrated. She was hard at work on her passionate and romantic Aeriseph fanfic, but she had hit a mental block. She had spent ten chapters building up the tension between the two lovers. First she had shown their initial distrust of one another, and how much they had protested when the ancient Cetra gods had resurrected them and sent both of them back to Earth together on a mission to redeem themselves and stop the Next Sephiroth. Then she had added childish bickering interspersed with cutesy moments in which Aeris buys Sephiroth candy for the first time in his life and sexually-charged scenes of them accidentally catching each other in the shower. Now finally, they had admitted their true feelings for each other, and Sephiroth was ready to repent for his sins. Prudence was impressed by her own subtlety. In the old days, they would have been making out with each other within two minutes of their first encounter. Yes, she had grown up since the days where she had written her first Aeris Resurrection Fic, and inserted flawless Mary-Sues with flowery names. She was no longer Jycellaemynthia; her new penname was Consuming Fire of Savage Agony and Woe and Corpses Rotting, and she now knew that you had to at least pretend that your characters were not OOC at the outset, just to make your lust object's sudden change of spots all the more believable, and appear to be supported by canon. But she had to finish a book report that had been due two weeks ago, and she was in a rush to get this chapter over with as soon as possible and milk it for reviews. And Prudence was running out of big words and impressive synonyms to use to show off her vocabulary. She tried to think of the best words she knew. Anthropomorphically? Quintessentially? Antidisestablishmentarianism? "Oh, Sephiroth," Aeris sighed wistfully and quintessentially, "Now we shall live together in paradise for all eternity." "Oh, Aeris, my one true and undying love," sobbed Sephiroth, his strong silent facade crumbling due to his terrible remorse and antidisestablishmentarianism. "Will you ever forgive me for my horrible crimes?" Aeris smiled sweetly, her warm emerald eyes penetrating his piercing viridian orbs, and she caressed his handsome, rugged, and punctual face. "Don't worry, my darling," she uttered melodically, passionately, and anthropomorphically. "It wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to kill me. It was..." Aeris paused. "Um, it was...Sephiroth, why did you do it again?" "Oh, um..." Prudence Numbledinger began to sweat. Oh no, she was stuck! Don't panic, think! She hadn't actually played Final Fantasy VII in three years, and she couldn't really remember the plot of the game. She remembered that Sephiroth had spoken to Cloud in a flashback...then there was that cool FMV with all the fire...and wasn't there some whole messed up subplot about a Reunion and clones or something? But she couldn't remember why Sephiroth had done all those things. It couldn't have been Sephy-chan's fault, could it have been? No, of course not! Sephiroth was hot. Hot people could not be evil. "So whose fault was it?" Prudence asked out loud. Then she heard a knock. "I'm busy, Mom," she snapped. She hated her parents; they didn't understand her. They made her clean her room and wash the dishes, and she could never forgive them for having named her "Prudence". She heard another loud banging sound. She turned around and saw that the noise had come from her closet. The door was shaking, and it looked like it was going to burst open at any second. Although Prudence considered herself to be a deeply spiritual person, and was a firm believer in such things as ghosts, angels, poltergeists, and leprechauns, she had long ago stopped thinking that there were still monsters that lived in her closet. She began to get nervous. "S-s-stay back!" she cried, trying her best to sound as menacing as possible. "Don't come out. I...I know yoga! That's a martial art!" To her horror, the voice of an old man replied. "Hey, young lady!" And before Prudence could respond, the door to her closet flew off its hinges, and out popped an old man with no legs, floating in mid-air. He was accompanied by a red doglike creature, a giant robotic scorpion, about ten guys in blue Shinra uniforms, and a stuffed animal with a cat on its head. "What are you people doing here," she spluttered. "This is my room!" "I see you need some help." "Wait, no I don't, I'm fine..." "Ho Ho Hoooo, would you like me to tell you whose fault it is?" Now poor Prudence was on the verge of tears. Whose fault it was? Were they threatening her? What had she done to deserve this? As she spoke, more and more strange people poured in through the closet. A pale hunchback in a lab coat, a man with a huge sword and long black spiky hair, twelve scary-looking guys in black robes, a tall man with long silver hair wielding a dangerous sword... Sephiroth. Sephiroth! Sephiroth! Sephiroth! In a flash, all of Prudence's fears evaporated, and she was overcome with such a giddy euphoria that she began running around the room and letting out a high-pitched shriek much like the sound of a whistling kettle. "Oh my God...SEPHIROTH! You're my idol!" She squealed. "You'll save me from those evil people. Can I have your autograph..." Before she could continue, he whipped out his Masamune from its sheath and swished it down to within two inches of her neck. The smile vanished from her face. "Don't you dare..." he growled. "How many times do I have to tell these stupid fangirls...I. Am. Not. Your. Boyfriend. Now stay back. BACK, I tell you. Demon, be gone!" Now poor Prudence was very confused. What was the cast of Final Fantasy VII doing in her bedroom? "Ho Ho Hoooo, don't be afraid, young lady," said the creepy old man. "My name is Bugenhagen. Does that ring a bell? No? Figures, no one ever remembers who I am. But you're stuck on your fanfic?" "Well, yeah. I need a believable excuse for why Sephiroth torched a city, murdered Aeris, and tried to destroy the world with Meteor, yet suddenly becomes a wonderful human being. I don't want my Sephy-chan to be a bad guy." At that comment, a young woman in a ridiculous pink dress snorted. "Oh please," she scoffed. "You're writing an Aeriseph and you don't know the answer to that? Bugenhagen, this kid is hopeless. I want to go back to the house of the pubescent boy who wrote that Cloud/Zack lemon." "Ho Ho Hoooo, oh, Aeris, dear, do not be so judgmental. It is not her fault if she has not been exposed to enough bad fanfiction. Now, young lady, since I am the omniscient wise man character who knows everything, would you like me to show you how it's done?" For a second, Prudence stood there, speechless. She was talking to people she had always dreamed of meeting! They were helping her write her fanfic! "Oh, uh, sure!" Bugenhagen smiled. "Sephiroth, you do the honours." Suddenly, Prudence's room began expanding to the size of an auditorium, and her bed turned into a giant stage. Dramatic military music began to play. Was it just her, or did the opening chords sound very...familiar? All of the unexpected visitors, who now numbered at least a hundred, got up on the stage. Sephiroth took a few steps forward, grabbed a microphone in front of him, and began to sing: Sephiroth:
Times have changed Bugenhagen: No, blame Jenova. The twelve Sephiroth clones in black echoed Bugenhagen in tuneless monotone voices. "Blame Jenova," they chanted. Lucrecia: With
those beady little eyes Hojo:
Don't blame me Zack: And
my best friend Cloud Bugenhagen:
Well, blame Jenova Now Aeris was fuming. "All right, it's my turn!" she screamed. "There's something I've wanted to get off my chest for a long time." She yanked the mike away from Bugenhagen. Aeris:
I could have been Cloud's girlfriend or helped kick Sephiroth's
butt. "Shh..." hissed Bugenhagen. "You're not helping your case." Aeris:
Blame Jenova Prudence
was getting the hang of this. Cloud:
My mother could have been here to join me in this rhyme. But before he could protest that he wasn't a liar, and that he really had been in SOLDIER, one of his seizures came on, and he fell to his knees clutching his head and mumbling to himself about Sephiroth and the Reunion and skinned knees. No one else paid any attention to him, and continued singing. Bugenhagen:
Blame Jenova Hojo ran off the stage as Aeris chased after him and began smacking him with her staff. Clones: Blame
Jenova Everyone:
Say she warped his mind, And as five hundred NPCs, monsters, and random shopkeepers joined the cast and the chorus of Sephiroth clones in belting out the final dramatic "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim," Prudence burst into applause. "That was fantastic," she cried. "Thank you! And wow, Sephiroth, I never knew you had such a good singing voice!" "Oh," Sephiroth muttered, blushing. "Mother used to practice with me, when we were together in the North Crater. She loved to hear me sing...Mother..." His eyes glazed over. "Anyways," snapped Hojo. "I am a busy man, and I should not waste my time with you imbeciles. Come, Sephiroth, it's time for your...injections." "Yes, sir," said Sephiroth meekly. The crowd shuffled out of the auditorium, and Prudence found herself back in her bedroom, sitting once again at her computer. She looked, and saw that the door to her closet was back firmly on its hinges, and her bed was made and as untouched as it had been before. Had it all been nothing but a beautiful dream? Had she just been watching too much South Park? It didn't matter. What was important was that now she had an inspiration! "It wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to kill me. It was Jenova the whole time," whispered Aeris in a soothing voice. "Perhaps you're right," whimpered Sephiroth, letting out a sniffle. "She infected me with her evil virus powers, brainwashed me, bent my will by controlling the Jenova cells inside of me, and tortured me if I tried to abuse her. I thought she was the only one in the world who cared about me, so I let her manipulate me like a puppet. But all this time, every person I killed was like a knife in my heart. Oh, Aeris, can you ever forgive me?" His tear ducts were exhausted from the misanthropic and alphanumeric fountain of salty aqua that they had released. "There, there. Of course I forgive you. That hideous alien was controlling you the whole time. Don't worry, because she can't hurt you any more. I'll protect you from that monster." As she typed, she could have sworn she felt something wrap around her leg...but maybe it was just her imagination. She was deep in thought. What was a good synonym for "blue"... "AAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!" Jenova licked her tentacles in delight. That fangirl had been tasty, the third one this week so far. She was tired of being the scapegoat all the time, but if they were going to bash her, then she might as well have some fun. -END- ~Evil Mina |