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| Here are the other pages in this SHIT HOLE! |
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| All The FUCKING Old Stories and Headlines |
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| Orphan Can't Take Joke WATERBURY - A small child burst into tears Friday when local yokel Brian Somma called him and accident someone didn't want or love and gave to a local orphanage so someone else can have him. Brian, 17 and a resident of Bunker Hill had this to say, "It was only a joke, I didn't mean much of that. Besides, there was no reason for that child to cry I was only making light conversation." Meanwhile little Johnny, 3 and third child of Amanda Hill, 17 of Crosby, says, "He's a bastard. My mommy loved but she she she couldn't keep me or somethin. I want fries. Lets go ride bikes." Brian is being sued by little Johnny's Lawyers and got beat up by, oh lets say, Andy Kaplan. |
| Ohio Man Found Dead - Watertown Man Isn't Bothered WATERTOWN - Upon hearing of a 42 year-old Ohio construction worker's untimely death in a car accident in Colorado, Watertown resident Matt Calabrese didn't see too bothered. "Shit happens," said the young programmer and zelda master. "Its gotta be hard for his....or was it her...family? I would keep them in prayers if I had a faith." Matt was totally at ease an hour after hearing about the news. He was seen playing Super Smash Bros. Melee and was caught jacking off by his brother Nick. |
| Wierd Smell Baffles Community, Not Stoner Naugatuck - The Birch Lane community is baffled at that strange new smell eminating from the area. The smell, which used to appear on long weekends and holidays, now pops up almost daily. The area residents went as far as to buy a giant Glade Plug In but found that someone had humped it over the night and thus breaking. When area stoner David Rosa about the stench he said, "No one knows what that is? They haven't lived then! They should come by my house to get an in depth lesson on the smell." Recently the smell has also been allegedly stinking up Dave Matthews concerts, the High Times offices, and the senior hallway at Holy Cross High School in Waterbury Connecticut. |
| Thursday: The Kanca's Attack! Cast: Shaun, Gilmore, Somma, Jay, Nikki, King Bros, Evil Kanca, Midget Kanca It's one of those nights where nothing is planned and evil lurks around every corner. You don't know where many of your friends are. I meet the King bros at B&N and we wait for Gilmore. We wait in corners of the old bookstore for you see that the Evil King Kanca is there for a book signing. The writer of several pieces of Star-Trek-fan fiction is there to sign his new book, "Star Trek: The Jedi's Appear." We fear the emergence of the evil Kanca family. Gilmore arrives and we are out faster than a fat girl in dodgeball. But where would we go? Of course, none of us know the answer. So for lack of a better activity I have Gilmore drive to West Hartford for pretty much no reason. Two hours later, we are back in Waterbury. I could go through what happened in all that lost time, but I would only FUCKING bore you, and we don't want that. Anyways, if we are in the Bury, we are at B&N. We figure it would be funny to see King Kanca. Despite my warning that the evil Kanca may be there, we go, and IT is there. The evil Kanca is now involved in whatever we do for the remainder of the night. Somma is on the way to meet up with us. I take the oppurtunity to bow out and go get Nikki, the King Bros follow. Well, we end up at the movie theatre, there is me, the King Bros, Nikki, Somma, Gilmore, the Evil Kanca, a midget Kanca, and Jay who can fly given the proper circumstances. We see some movie and then everyone died. FUN FACTOR: 5 OF 10 |
| Area Boy Onto Bigger and Better Things Oxford - "I'm onto bigger and better things!" raved Mike Burns early Monday morning. Mr Burns was seen driving at 100 mph down the main dirt road in Oxford screaming "I've moved onto a whole new stage in our relationship." While locals thought he was refering to his relationship with a horse Adam Guarino had this to say, "Yea dude, he aint talkin about the horse, he is talkin about crack. No wait he did that, prolly hereoin though." Other inside sources say its opium. |
| Friday: Right On Target Cast: Shaun........ and um Shaun This is a night where everyone is off doing there own thing. Jay has got that job thingy he uses to support the wife and kids, Ryan has that chick whats her name, Gilmore is in Boston, King is working to support that drug habbit. Everyone had their own lil deal going on. Except myself. Well never fear I found something. While surfing I found out a new cd was out only at Target. Now Target is good fucking distance away, just far enough to get excited over. Well I am there and of course I can't argue with the great deals a corporate Behemoth can give to me, so I pick up 2 liters of Pepsi at a very low rate. Well I druink all 2 liters and get sick. I also survived a 3 hour Metal Gear and Grand Theft Auto marathon. I never wanna play a videogame and drink far too much soda ever again........ FUN FACTOR: A suprising 4 OF 10 |
| Saturday: The Brotherhood of Tobey (Le Pacte des Tobey) Cast: Shaun and T-4 Brotherhood of the Wolf is by far the best horror, love, suspenseful, thriller, detective movie set during the fuckin turmoil that was the French Revolution I have ever seen. I learned two things from this movie: 1) Never piss off indians, they are good with tomahawks. 2) Never piss off the friends of indians, they know all the moves of the indian but have no problems with using guns. This movie had fuckin everything, armored wolves, whore homes, people without arms, people with clawhands, and gore. All the things you want from a movie. Anyways, me and T-4 go to check out this flick. It was only fuckin playing in Plainville so we had a bit of a distance to travel. Not a problem, and besides its a nice, yet fuckin pricey, theatre. Well we saw the movie, which I believe everyone should view, then we leave. But Tobey was guarding the door, and if you wanted to get by him, you had to get his new mutant Lifesavers. These things suck, stay away. Tobey was a bit too gay, he will prolly get fuckin killed sometime soon. I certainly will not miss the fairy. FUN FACTOR: An average 5 OF 10 BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF: 8 out of 10 |
| Sunday: "Dude its fuckin closed" -Gilmore Cast: Shaun, Horn, Gilmo, Stacie, T-4, and Somma We all need to meet up. First Gilmo, then Stacie, then T-4, then Horn. After the ritual eating of the food the fuckin battle plan says Laser Tag. Mind we don't have any fuckin school tomorrow, so this in theory should all go off without a hitch. In theory. Gilmo volunteers to drive, so the of course its a task just getting to his car. T-4 decides to race Horns car. What follows is the fuckin scariest ride I have ever been on, and also damn near my last. Well, needless to say I lived. I also lived through what Ukranians call, "The ride of Satan." aka riding with Gilmo (who in this writers opinion is a fucking idiot for volunteering). Well we live through the ride and get to Laser (Beer) Quest. Of course, its closed. Well somehow people see me as the fucking Leader Guy. That means, it my choice, or job, to come up with a plan B. So plan B, lets check out a movie. Of course, all movies don't start for another hour. Now the fuckin Leader Guy has to come up with a plan C. Well of course I am going to say Gilmores house. He has all the stuff that I can only dream of purchasing. We all get our seperate vechiles and make the trek to Southbury, where money fuckin grows on trees. Now me and Stacie are following a safe distance away from Gilmore who is carrying one T-4 and terroriziing Horn who is piloting the Hornmobile. I watch these two get off one exit early, I continue on my way. I know how to get to GIlmore's palace. We get there and we wait, soon enough Gilmo comes flying around the corner followed by the Hornmobile, which can appearently fly. You see, Horn took the corner a little too quick. His fuckin car got some air and landed in the snow, slid into the road where Horn regained control of the vehicle. If you don't believe the tracks that are there speak for themselves. Anyways we chill at Gilmore for a bit then eventually call it a night. FUN FACTOR: An above average 8 out of 10 |
| FUN FACTOR: 7 OF 10 Well the night wraps up and its just a few scattered folks are sill around cleanin up Gilmore's house because it was probably the right thing to do. Having ADD and all I up and leave and all other follow. I lead the pack out of Southbury, which is something I have been doing since the early 1900's, and to safety. Of course I wouldn't be telling you all this if something hadn't fucked it up. Of course midday down the windy forest paths my brother calls and cries wolf, so I speed off figuiring Jay is leading the pack and assuming he can get the others out. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups and Nikki was leading the pack. I left her lost and confused, and yes probably a little more angry with me but hell it was unavoidable. So I sped off to the fucking hell hole and went to bed. By the second half the kids had lost interest. Ryan and Amy had seen the halftime show they came for and T-4 was dead set on finding porn. It was about this time we found just that. Well, not Gilly's porn. Nope it was his sisters. Upon further investigation it was lesbian porn. Draw your own fucking conclusions. Anyways I watch the game and by the end of the third quarter I realize the Rams are out of the game and I pay up. At this point Ryan also has the money he sought after and sat down for a game of counterstrike with T-4. I try joining the other on the couch but no one wanted to make the room. Yea, the game ended, the Patriots won, I lost five. Well, at this point, the night warps up and there are just a few scattered people cleanin up Gilly's house. Its halftime and the world has to fucking stop so Ryan and Amy can enjoy a marriage moment and some U2. This means T-4 can't be funny, Horn can't play guitar (anyone can play guitar, sorry Radiohead joke), and Jay and I can't see playmates. But whatever I have the internet so I just sit there and behave. Everyone else was a bit pissed though. Around this time CIp and Somma joined the party, Cip was stuck at a buffet with his mom, the demon whore, and Somma was at church trying to send her back to the firey hell hole she came from. U2 does, as expected a, a bang up job and its good to see a halftime show with very little selling out involved. But by the second half the kids lost interest. The first half is like every other Superbowl, boring. The tension was there in the second half, but the first half couldn't hold anyones interest. I hung back with Jay observing the lil conversations going on trying to partake but getting ignored for the most part. Then I make fun of Nikki IN A COMPLETELY JOKING MANNER and make things bad there. This is not unusual but its a pain in the ass, especially since I didn't mean it. So this isn't helping matters. Luckily Horn, T-4, and Jay are still good for some fuckin banter. Of course food is more important then this banter so in a flash we go back downstairs. We are all sitting around Gilmo's table once again only this time enjoying the magic that is ice cream cake. We sit and converse nicely. All goes fuckin great. Good food, good drinks, decent people, this is a pretty good time. But then its halftime and the world has to fucking stop so Ryan and Amy can enjoy a marriage moment and some U2. Well the pregame show was good for one thing, killing the buffallo wings (which eventually killed me). The people gather and the party gets under way. I get there roughly the same time as everyone else and sooner or later the game gets underway. The first half is, like every other Superbowl, boring. Cast: Shaun, Gilmore, Sarah, Amy, Dolores, Ryan, Jay, Nicole, Horn, Cip, T-4, and Somma Sunday: The Samurai's Superbowl |
| FRIDAY: "Connecticut Sucks Ass" - The People of Connecticut Cast: Shaun, T-4, Somma, Gay People from his band, The Master, Ryan, Jay Every two months this little band called "Deep Banana Blackcock" comes to Connecticut to fuckin ruin a good nights worth of plans. So with a good half of our friends down enjoying Blackcock, me, Jay, and T-4 are stuck to roam the fifth level hell, aka Connecticut. For those of you who don't live in Connecticut, it sucks. Ryan has a little saying that the farther north you go the more depressing it gets. While I don't believe this I do believe that CT needs some more fucking things to do for an 18 year old guy on a Friday MOTHER FUCKING night! Anyways, we decide to go see a movie, a very shitty movie. Slackers, which I will not give the fuckin dignity to put in quotation marks, sucked ass. I think it managed to make me alot more stupid. I was expecting a good funny movie. What a got was a second graders collage of FUCKING SHIT! I wish I could have that time of my life back. I will soarly miss it. I hope that the director and writer of this movie already have a place in hell set aside for them. May God have mercy with their souls. I hope none of you make the same mistake the three of us did. Stay away. Anyways then we ate food at a Subway filled with a few fucking skinheads. Then we went to Best Buy (2 weeks in a fuckin row if your countin homes) which also had a few fuckin skinheads, then we went to the Waterbury Rec Center, which in case you never noticed is a zoo for freaks. You have your slutty middle school girls. You have your gangs. And yes I did see a few fuckin skinheads. It also has a few Nuagy queens. As a matter of fact I saw the guitarist from Long Story Sucks (aka Skeeter) there with his boyfriend, Aaron, and Somma. Now in case you have never seen them, Skeeter is a Christian Adult Contemporary band out of Somma's basement chapel. I highly suggesting avoiding this more then Slackers, which at least had a fuckin soul. Well after this T-4 wanted to go home. And home we went. Jay and I met up with The Master and her slave, Ryan at the diner. Of course Somma and Skeeter were there on a date so we left them alone. It was not an exciting fuckin night. FUN FACTOR: A highly dissapointing 2 out of 10 SLACKERS: -2 out of 10, it owes me two points. |
| Saturday: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones Cast: Shaun, Jay, T-4, Nik, Cara, and Ryan Its one of those days that is building up into something big. Or so you think. With the impending concert hanging over us like an over protective protestant mother, Ryan and I set out to get the jobs of the day accomplished. These things were 1) get rys ticket and 2) get fun juice for Nik, T-4, Cara, and Jay. Now me and Ryan like a concerts in a sober state, but I see there angle and do my best to make them happy. If the kids aint happy then Shaun aint happy. Well the day, as you would expect, is full of forboding. The fucking concert proceeds to stumble toward us like a drunken frat boy to a sorority girl. As we get closer and closer to event (which serves as T-4's present) the chances of getting fun juice gets slimmer and slimmer and yes I give up. Jay kept the calls coming all fuckin day and I kept my patience as best as I could. Eventually the plea for fun juice grew from a whimper to a painful yet begging shreak that could not be ignored. Once Nik and Cara joined the crowd, my defenses fell, and the Shorty's army invaded. When your sitting in front of a fuckin spanish convenience store that only stays in buissness because of drug deals, cock fights, and yes the sale of alcohol to minors your courage seems to go out and find a new home leaving you a poor whimpering french man. Once juice finds its way into my car I make the mistake of not watching. Soon I smell the smell that so many an AA member hath loved. The smell that snaps a sane man into two. Patience can only last so long. When anything is tested enough, it will eventually fail, look at the X-Files. Well I failed. My nose picks up the scent of a half cocked T-4, my visuals back up my assumptions. At a roaring 75 mph I am off the highway and scolding him in a gas station, making a spectacle of my fat ass. As punishment he lost all music privaleges, along with eveyone else in the car until Jay managed to talk some sense into my insanity ridden brain. By this time me and my coherts are sorta late. The doors are open and the lot is full. Parking in the ghetto is alot like I imagine parking in hell, having an SUV under my feet didn't make matters any easier. We rolled into the parking lot like a well oiled machine and began to fuel ourselves. I kept my self entertained by imagining the consequences of my actions, my friends took care of the fueling process. Its 8 pm on a Saturday and we walk out of the vehicle like any rag tag group of middle class white kids from suburbia would in ghetto of a once beautiful city. The show? Yea that was great. The two bands fuckin sucked and the Bosstones suprised the hell outta me. Great stage presence and some real talent, it kinda makes you wonder why they had the opening bands they did. Anyway the show is too long to explain and the ride home is a blur. And Nikki got hungover. Thats an interesting tidbit I guess. FUN FACTOR: 9 OF 10 THE MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES: 8 OUT OF 10 |
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| AREA MAN MISSING! Thought Dead and Possibly Gay! Watertown: An update to last weeks story, area shithead Matthew Calabrese is still missing. Police believe he is now dead, hopefully torn apart by savage babies. The Watertown Police also threw in the fact that he is gay and if found to stay away because he prolly has STD's! Local Drinks Loads of H20 New Haven: Cheshire boy Jay Ingraselli is reported to have drinken two whole pitchers of water for four dollars. When asked about it he had this to say, "Yea, I needed the money and the water was there so I said hey man why not drink the water and make a few bucks. Besides, it was entertaining." Witnesses say Jay needed to piss alot afterwards. Some even go onto say he pissed in a SNET phonebooth. Those reports are currently being investigated. |
| If you want a Kanca CD e-mail [email protected]. One buck for the CD, 5 for the Limited Edition FRIDAY: Kidnappings and Parties CAST: Shaun, Gilmore, Ryan, Jay, T-4, Sarah, Dolores, Dave, Adam, Stacie, Kelley, Katie, Amy F, Amy, Kanca, Cip, Diet King, Misc 24 Year Old Man, Matt the Pervert, Somma (is he gay?) Well its Gilmore's turn to turn 18, well it was a few weeks ago. Now its his turn to celebrate it. And what better then way then to get him drunk. By 4:30 Gilmore is pretty cocked and me, ryan and jay are in top notch shape (me being the toppest of all notches of shapes). You see we needed to be able to outwit Gilmore, he is no retard, except when he is plastered. So the four of us set out to get Stacie. This is where the others take the oppurtunity to blindfold, handcuff, and make him fear for his life. After an hour long car ride to nowhere we throw Gilmore inside a building. The building happens to be his house and the people there are there to wish him a happy birthday. The party is happenin, good food, good people, nice house. Then I go and ruin it for myself by drinking like half of Dave's booze, sorry man. Well it got my real tired and real stupid. So while all are enjoying the Matrix on a home theater system no one should be able to afford, I am half asleep. Fast forward to the presents. Gilmore had already gotten his suprise from me, T-4, Ryan, and Jay and now was opening his other presents, meanwhile Jay and T-4 were ravaging he couches for loose change. I was still half asleep and the people were leaving. Kanca was a shithead the whole night (creepy, creepy kid) and everyone else was pretty cool. Real cool party. FUN FACTOR: 10 out of 10 SATURDAY: Gilmore Is An Idiot CAST: Shaun, Ryan, Amy, Sarah, T-4, Gilmore VIA Phone, Somma and his Naugy crew, Kanca, Matt the Pervert Well the morning was spent with me and Ryan drivin around, chillin, doin some illin. Nik had the generosity to wake me up for crew then call me when I got out of the shower to tell me it was cancelled. All that did was start my day earlier. Shit I need to get the oil changed in the Jeep tomorrow. Anyways, we are drivin around just chillin. Ryan is out with Amy, Sarah and Gilmore tonight. Well thats how its supposed to work. But you see Gilmore had went to Kanca's house after his party. We know this because we bumped into him at TGI Friday's, with Kanca and Calabrese. I was the one with the bright idea for the creamer war, these morons are really rubbing off on me. So we go to Calabrese's nieghborhood and cream the hell outta each others cars. After awhile a crowd is gathering so we book, leaving Kanca to deal with the nieghbors who are none too jolly at this point. Thinking it best to leave Watertown ASAP we head to the often forgotten Thomaston. Here I get the car cleaned. After this I drop Ryan off and meet up with Somma and his crew. All around good guys who like gaming and movies as much as I. While their taste in music may be, how can I put this, FUCKING SHIT, they are still cool (which is not what I can say for Kanca or Somma's guitarists). Well I leave them and head home for what I plan to be awhile. Well it wasn't long till people started callin me trying to find Chris. Determined, I set out to kidnap the little fucker. He wasn't getting out of this. Then he called me, this killed the night for me. My one objective was ruined. No more search and destroy. Well Gilly couldn't come out and play (much to someone's dissapoint, poor king), so the king and I were called into battle. He ate, went to the ole porno store. Then we all went to Barnes and Noble for far too long. At least Ryan had a good time with the trains. A pretty good day, but the night before kicked ass. FUN FACTOR: 8 out of 10 |
| THURSDAY: The Night Of Unpredictable Insanity CAST: Shaun, Ryan, Jay, T-4, Gilly, Somma, Amy, Sarah, Stacie, Dolores, Misc 24 Year Old, Cip, Kanca, Lauren, Kellie 5 pm on Thursday. Gilmore and Ryan are playing basketball with my brother. I am argueing with my mom. Around 5:30 I make it outside and I want to leave. Being the DD as usual, you all assume your riding with me. This means I somehow have to fit Ryan, Jay, King, Gilmore and Stacie in the civic. A solution must be met. Well we force Jay to also drive. At this point its 6:30, we have to get booze, Stacie, and I still have to get my brothers birthday present. So Jay and the others take care of the fun juice, I take care of Kev's birthday present. Then off to the party. In record time booze if flowin. Everyone but myself and Jay are feelin it. Me because of my non drinking stance for the evening and Jay because of his insanely high tolerane. Gilmore is of course drunk off his one Sublime and acting loud and alot like Adam. Hey, everyone needs a loud drunk. Fearing the arrival of Sarah's mom, all garbage is thrown into my car. Wanting to finish the empties, I drive Jay and Stacie to the old railroad tracks where in the good old days, the force was contracted. 9:30 pm. Pretty much everyone is gone or coming down. By now Dolores and her wierd ectsacy driven boyfriend are making out anywhere with an audience. Ryan and Amy have cleared out the living room with there game of toncil hockey and Gilly and Sarah have snuck off to expirament a little with the laws of love. Everyone else just sorta chilled and came down. At some point Kanca arrived and the party went down hill about 5 points. Whatever he kept his mouth shut so he behaved alright I guess. Then Kellie came it got a little wierd. Ok it was wierd already, T-4 was messin with Amy. Gilmore was on top of Sarah or vice versa. Dolores and misc 24 Year Old were dry humping on the couch and now you have a stand off between these two star crossed lovers. Sarcasm. Somma arrived adding another 5 points of cool to the party. Before you know it its 11 and I have to drive Stacie home. She wasn't in the most soberest of conditions but she made it home ok. Once I got back I was starved (I hadn't eaten since lunch and it was now 11:30). I gathered up all the guys and we met Cip at the diner. 1 am Friday morning. Myself, Jay, T-4, Ryan, Kanca, Cip, and Gilmore arrive at my home. Some play basketball. some play videogames, Cip cooked, and I fell asleep as did King. I was awaken numerous times in the night to the loudness of Gilmore and the idiocy of King and Jay. Overall more booze was had. I think Gilmore got fucked up off half a sublime. My house survived, my mom got real pissed, and my brother tried to play XBox with us at 2 am. He is on crack. I guess they played basketball throughout the night. Jay wanted to be a Vandal and smash my nieghbors mailboxes. He is a fucking idiot. That woulda really screwed me over. By noon I was bring Ry home and everyone else had pretty much parted ways. I stopped talking to Somma and Gilmore, they just became faces in the hall. Sometimes I guess friends just come and go. Last I heard Kanca went to prison and was gleefully raped by a man named Rodrigo. Cip and T-4 went to fight in the war and died. I never saw either of them after graduation. Jay and Ryan kept in contact with each other. Jay then OD'ed on Draino on his wedding night and Ryan tried to fly soon after. But Ryan couldn't fly. He died. Overall it was one of my best childhood memories. FUN FACTOR - 10 out of 10. Whoa..... FRIDAY: I was gonna make something because I didn't remember what I really did then I remembered. CAST: Shaun, Niall, Adam, Dave, Jay, Somma, T-4, Cip Right now I am listening to "Who's Got the Crack" by The Moldy Peaches. I think this is the best way to start this article because Adam and Dave are on crack. Get it? Well the songs over. See Friday I was gonna hang out with Gilly but he had to go out with the old lady, so I was left bored. I found the ticket to Somma's show that I had stolen and called up the old gang to see if they were going. Sure enough they were. I met up with Dave, Adam, and Niall (the new Shaun) at Phoenix. Niall and I decide where to get some food. Then off to the show. Outside we hang with some of Niall's friends. This kids name was Britt and he was waiting for pizza to give to the audience. This is already to coolest local show I have been too. Anyways I get a slice then inside. Well there is nothing worse then a local show at a high school. Too many rules and piggy's. Anywho we enjoy it the best we can and talk to various people, like Kim the homeless hobo, Aaron, the porn thief, and Jesus Christ. Adam gets hit on. Back inside. Next up is Lazy Way Out. This is Somma's new band and I give the guys in it respect for putting Bri in the band and dealing with his shit. Anyways they have a kid who sleeps on a couch the whole time which is cool and they raise the roof so to speak. They got people goin on stage (myself included) and they got people standing which more then I can say for shit like "Remember These Names" or "Jimmy Eat World". The show was good and fun. Oh ya Cip came. As far as I can tell Dave and Adam weren't drunk or high. And Jay called us as he was pulling into the parking lot for no appearant reason. Then I left to go see Resident Evil with T-4. It blew. Don't see it, just play the games. RESIDENT EVIL: 3 out of 10 FUN FACTOR: 8 out of 10 SATURDAY: I JUST DROVE AROUND BECAUSE MY FRIENDS DON'T SPEND MONEY CAST: X, T-4, Reggie, Dave We drove up to Guitar Center then met up with King. Then King left and we met up with Dave. We dropped Dave off and I dropped Jay off and I got home. FUN FACTOR: Fun? We forgot what it is........ |