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9/15/04
Today another memorial service was held, for an old friend
from high school. His name was Kenneth Wilson Jr., Ken to those who knew him. I met Ken in high
school, a friend of a friend. We played the card game Magic with him at lunch everyday. He was
a master of sarcasm and was always quick with a comeback to anything. He was a smart guy and never
wasted an oppurtunity to let you know it, ussually sarcastically. But his sarcasm was never mean,
made you realize you were a fool without directly telling you that. My deepest impression of him
was not this, but that he always walked his own path, with courage and no regrets. He dropped out
of high school, but recieved a GED. He later used this GED to enroll in community college and
revieved a 2 year degree. He was also half way towards getting a second 2 year degree when he
died. In both games of Magic and in life, he always had a plan and never gave up without a fight.
You could often see he held an amazing sense of pride and confidence in knowing that he was smarter
than you, either in building a better deck, or winning an argument. He created a kind of aura of
mystery about him, in that you never knew exactly what he was thinking, or planning. While things
he did often did not make sense to you, he never did anything without a well thought out reason.
He achieved many things with little help, and it seemed he could survive anything that fell in his
path through life. And though the final act of his life has passed, he has again survived it, for
his character and spirit will forever live in the hearts of those who knew him. While words alone
could never describe Ken, perhaps these words will aid you in remembering and charishing the time
you spent with him, giving you stength in the days to come.
4/07/03
A guy I know died a few days ago. His memorial service
was today. It was extremely moving. His name was Richard Hayes. The ancient Egyptians believed
that if a person's name and deeds were recorded, that person would live on forever in the
afterlife. This isn't much towards that but its something. I didn't know Richard as well as
many of the people I met today. He was in one of my classes and in SPS. I can remember him
always smiling. He was always thirsting for knowledge. He had a great sense of humor and
could always make everyone laugh. The day of the SPS zone meeting, he and I went to Quiznoes
to pick up 12 feet of sandwich for lunch. I happened to have an old metallica cd playing in my
car as we drove over. This began a discussion between us about the band and other music. Even
though we had never really talked much before, he talked to me as if I was an old friend he had
known for years. He always saw the positive in everything and everyone, one of those people who
never had a bad thing to say, and everyone always wanted to be around. He was one of those
people who never wasted a moment, he spent every minute of every day seeking out the best things
in life. Someone said something that really moved me at the memorial. She said, 'I only knew
him for a few weeks. He was a really amazing guy and I wanted to become better friends with
him. I always thought i would have forever to be friends with him. But now I don't. My
greatest regret is that i took this for granted, that we'd always have time to get to know
eachother better. I just wish i could have gotten to know him sooner.' This is almost right
on what i was feeling. The more things people said about him the more i wanted to go back and
spend more time with him. I waste a lot of my time with petty things and I hope to change that
about myself. All we have is time to share with others, and none of us know when that time will
end, so we might as well make the best of it. When we pass on our legacy lives on in the hearts
of others. Our life is measured by how we live on in the hearts of those who knew us. If you
know someone as unique and amazing as this person, please remember him and reach out to that
person and get to know them, for you never know when you might lose your chance. Thank you for
reading this and keeping alive his memory and spirit.
4/13/02
Life is strange the way things happen, the things you
do and don't do. I have many ambitions in life, some reachable and some perhaps not. I often
wonder why it is that i am how i am. At times i am not what i am and at other times i can't
help but be who i am. I am trapped by myself. The times when i don't want to be myself i
can't stop being myself, and othertimes when all i want is to be myself i just can't. Maybe
its like a split personallity or something. There are very few people around who i can always
be myself and not worry or be cautious about anything. Oh well, life sucks and then you wake
up, or sometimes you just suck and your already awake. Being very independent and an
introvert does not help this any. Sometimes i cant talk to people at all and othertimes i talk
more than i feel i should. I learn about people by listening to them, not interacting with
them. Perhaps this is seeing more of their "real" selves. That's just me though i guess.
1/21/01
So i just got back from colorado about a week ago.
While there i had a lot of time to think things over. I finally figured out what was going
on in me with regards to the old girlfriend. It wasn't her i was hanging onto, but instead
the feeling i had when i was with her, the warmth of love if you will. It was a hanging onto
this feeling this summer when i had nothing else to hang onto the helped me pass the time. I
got so used to this that when i didn't need it any longer it still remained. I have now
realized this and am beginning to move on in a new direction with new motivations. With this
change brings back old hardships and fears i must once again face. As an introvert i have a
constant fear of confrontation. When i had a girlfriend this wasn't a problem, but beginning
an endless search for a new one, this fear is perhaps more difficult to surpass than any other.
People often say carpe diem, live life with no regrets, to its fullest. This becomes very
difficult when yuo can't do the things you want to, you can't be something your not. It seems
now like everything is a regret, chances missed, oppertunities gone. I hold everything inside
me, pain, joy, happiness, depression. It only comes out in writing and music it seems, but
this is not enough. The things buried in me affect me no matter what i think or feel, there
are too many things buried to ever get out, they eat away at any strength i have to get over
my social fears. People say you make your own future ... well what happens when you can't?
11/29/01
So i just got back from a visit home, SF home. Highlight if you
will was spent a couple hours with old girlfriend. Interesting experience. It's like i could feel that there wsa something
there, see it in her eyes, but it's like there was a little guy on my shoulders telling me you can't do anything, the distance
is still there. It's weird, i thought i was finally starting to get over her and found out i am still in love with her. It's like
every girl i see i compare to her, and she's still undefeated. So now i might see her in a month or so, and its like all i can
think about now. i try to study for a test and i think only about her, i try to sleep at night and lie awake thinking of her. I
never knew what perfection was until i met her, now it seems i see nothing but her. What is it about her that has me like
this? I dont know, perhaps many small things. For one she's beautiful, i think its her uniqueness the most though. The little
things she does that no one else really notices. I miss her more than anything now-a-days.
11/20/01
Its been awhile again i guess. Anyways, just gonna chat about
some somewhat religious things ive been discussing lately ith people. In my mind, i see the Universe as a living thing, a living
entity which lacks conscienceness. The living thing wants despreatly to understand itself but it lacks a conscienceness to
do so. That is where we some in. We are the living conscienceness of the Universe, trying to understand itself. As to
heav'n and hell, they are only what you make them to be, and the one you design the most is the path you choose through
life. If god is (he) who created all life, than the Universe would fit this description. The Universe watches over us
always, much like your God. The question what is the meaning of life? First lets find out what life is before we look for
meaning in it. I personally belive the purpose of life is to understand. Nothing specific, just to understand. And with that said
i truely hope you understand this.
9/28/01
So it's been awhile ... been busy and stuff. I don't
really know what i want to talk about. Life is interesting in the way things happen and turn
out. I think everyone has atleast two selves. They are very different but still one of a
whole. I have a new friend who is two very different people given different situations.
What gives rise to that. I mean, i am very different given situations. I act one way around
people i know, and another around people i dont know. I fight a constant battle against my
personal introvertness, yet strive to overcome it. People are strange, some more than others,
but then again, who are you to judge? How do you compare an insane man to a sane man? Who
is really sane other than in your own perception. Afterall, everything, including our very
existance is based soley on ones perception. And what creates our perception of things is
what makes us unique, some more than others. Anyways, life is strange, nut sanity is stranger.
9/03/01
What is it about love that makes it inescapable? I
mean, i was in love, probably still am, and no matter what i do i cannot let go of it. I was
in love with a girl who is the embodiment of perfection, now no matter what i do she is still constantly
in my thoughts. Perhaps it is because love changes your life so much that you can never go
back to how you were. What is love? To be in love with someone is to have the sun rise and
set with the thought of them, when they're in your every though and you're every action, they
make you want to be better than you are, strive to better yourself. Its that look in their
eye, a look so powerful yet gentle that you'll do anything just to put a smile on their face.
Knowing the little things that they do and charishing them every time they do them. Its the
feeling you get when you're together that you know nothing can ever harm you. Its seeing in
their eyes that they love you as much as you love them. Perhaps this is love. But how do
you get over something like this, something your whole life revolves around, the most
important thing in your life. People say nothing is impossible, perhaps this is the exception.
Love is one of those things that changes your life forever, once you've experienced it you
are never the same, you are changed forever. I am a dreamer, maybe i dream too much, or maybe
others don't dream enough.
8/28/01
Rain. It is such a simple and common thing, yet i find
there is something about rain that brings about feelings or thoughts that would otherwise not
come forth. Personally, i love just being out in the rain. It has a way of freeing me for some
reason. Like being in the grip of something so natural and pure that you can't help but be
amazed by it and love it. Like no matter how wet or cold you get, you know that you are safe
within the grasp of mother nature. Only when i am soaked to the bone do i feel a oneness with
nature that is pure and untarnished. The sound of it brings comfort to me. Lightning and thunder
just add to its greatness. The brilliance of lightning crashing and the awesome power of thunder.
It creates a humbling feeling in me that no matter how advanced we become there will always be
some things that we cannot control. Nature will never fall slave to man. In the end the Earth
will win, in a million years there will be the Earth and plastic and nothing else. Sometimes
the most beautiful thing is that which is right in front of you and you don't even notice. My
greatest fear is overlooking it and losing it forever.
8/28/01
What is it about religion that gets people so insane.
I mean people will fight to the bitter end to defend their religion. They fight fiercer for
a blind faith than for any worldly cause. Perhaps this is due to the personal nature of faith.
Faith is something that is unique to every individual and everyone has a personal connection to
their beliefs. I think this is why people take religion so seriously. Anyway, i don't really
have a religion, i have my own beliefs and although i don't voice them very often i will still
defend them. The thing i really don't get is that for the most part all the modern religons are
so incredibally similar and have the same basic belief system, yet there is an unbelievable
hatred between them. anyways, thats all for now.
7/22/01
There are many strange things in this world, mysteries
which shall never be solved. What is thi shting that we call love? Is it a connection, a
bond, a feeling, or perhaps something more. I think love is the merging of two people's
own little worlds, universes (see below). We are all conscience in our own universes, and
when we fall in love with someone, these two universes begin to merge into one. We see things
the other sees, feel things the other feels, knows things the other knows... If this is true
then there must be only one out there, one whos universe will merge, one true love, one soul
mate. I found someone special, more special than anyone else. Is she the one, only time
will tell. It is truely a strange thing though, love, it affects your every thought, your
every action, your every feeling. The sun rises and sets with the thought of the one you
love. A level of comfort always surrounds you when you're with them and your eyes can say
more than any words. I don't know if anyone ever reads this stuff, but i use it as a way
to get stuff out of me. This thing, love, has been a very confusing topic in my thoughts
as of late. It is something that you can never let go of, no matter what actions you take.
Once you've experienced love it never goes away, it lingers forever it seems, attached to
everything you do, everything you know. Love becomes a part of your universe, forever
changing its shape and feel and image. Like your shadow it never leaves your side. It grows
and subsides, but is always there, as long as the sun and stars still shine. It's a guide
that leads you down its path, always with some unknown end, a future to someday begin.
6/21/01
Has anyone ever told you that you live in your own
little world? I propose that this is true in its most literal sense. To explain this
involves a little quantum physics and a theory called the multiverse (multi-universe) theory.
according to the theory anytime there is a possibility of something happening it does, all
of the possibilities occur simultaniously, only in seporate universes. everytime a decision
is made new universes are created based on all outcomes. For example, lets say your alarm
goes off in the morning, you decide to either get up or stay in bed. Two universes are then created,
one where you get up and one where you go back to sleep. There are an infinate amount of
universes some very similar and some very different. If there are an infinate number of
universes going through time simultaniously, i propose that not everyone is conscience in the
same universe. We exist in many universes but we are only conscience in one universe, our
own little world. Everyone in your universe exists in your universe but is not conscience in
it. Therefore everyone lives in a unique yet similar world. The decisions we make not only
effect our universe, but many other universes, any universe in that you exist in can be effected
by your decisions. Everyones perseption on things is different, perhaps because we all live
in our own little worlds.
4/29/01
Does anything really exist? Technically, the only
thing you can observe is light, bouncing off things. You never see the accual object itself,
just its reflected light. Then, everything is based on perseption. Some see one thing while
others see another. What is the proof of anything other than perception? For example, i've
never been to china, never seen or experienced it, so how do i know it exists. I believe
all existance depends souly on blind faith. You must believe that something to exist for it
to really exist. Now, here's the kicker, would the world still exist if you were never born?
4/26/01
Its amazing, as time goes on, we try so hard not to
change with it. Why do we strive so hard to remain unchanged? Perhaps we find a sense of
comfort in conformity, or an uneasiness in change. But, alas, time does move on and with it
comes change, whether we like it or not. This last year has seen great changes in my life.
Graduating high school, first true love, going to college in AZ, living alone. A whole new
world i found myself in this year. It is in this time of change that we begin to see into
ourselves, and value the things we've left behind. My friends in high school were the best
friends i've had in my life, and i value my memories of them very much. Life is a series of
moments, and im glad so many of them were with you guys. I still remember sitting under "the
tree" on the little hill at lunch chattin it up with y'all, it always brings a smile to my
face.
Feb.
Dec./Jan.
Nov.
Oct.
Sept.
Aug.
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