Suzanne's Parenting Issues

I am the mother of six children - four girls and two boys.  With each child, I have learned more and more about parenting - the numerous options, styles, opinions, etc. - which everyone seems to have the right answer. I don't claim to have the right answers and my way of parenting may not be right for you and your family, but that doesn't make it wrong either.

It seems that much of the parenting that seems "normal" in our society and which I was raised by has drawn strong and sensible criticism in recent years. Sure, I seemed to have turned out alright, but is that a result of the parenting I received? I don't think so. I've always been the independent type and I learned to question my environment from a young age. Some of the factors which led to this that stick our most in my mind: one time when I was between 8 and 10 years of age, my brothers and I were lined up in the kitchen. It seems someone had gotten into the cupboard where my mother hid her favorite cookies and she was determined to find out who did it...and punish them accordingly. She asked each of her four children "Did you eat the cookies?" Every one of us said "No." For whatever reason, out of all the children, my mother chose to believe that I was the one lying. She took me in another room, told me that I was lying and proceeded to lay me over her lap and spank me. I knew I didn't eat the cookies, but my pleas were useless. I was small and vulnerable to an adult. No one ever actually admitted to eating the cookies until years later when my brother, who was then in his 20's, confessed. Of course it was a joke by then but the experience left and impression on my. It showed me that my feelings were unimportant. I was unable to be trusted and taken seriously. With my children, I now am very much aware of accusing one of them of doing something that they may not have done because of this one experience as a child. I suppose that is the only good that came out of it.

Another experience that has stayed clear in my mind is when I was forced to have my ears pierced at age 5. I was told that it didn't hurt...that I would be prettier with earrings. After my right ear was pierced, the burning pain shot through my whole body. It hurt a lot and to this day remains the most painful event in my life (even after giving natural (non-medicated, non-surgical) birth to five children). I suppose I should be grateful for there are other children who suffer worse fates than ear piercing. But not me. I protested about having my left ear done. I was crying, screaming, pleading with my mother to leave me alone. She told me "You can't just have one ear done, especially your right ear" (why she didn't just take the right one out and let it heal I will probably never know). I still refused to have it done. Several people, including my mother and my brothers forcibly held me down, as she pierced my left ear. The physical pain from the experience is almost as bad as the emotional pain I felt, and still feel...probably more so now as I reflect and cannot understand how a mother can intentionally hurt her own child. Having three daughters, I have vowed never to pierce their ears. That's a decision for them to make should they ever decide to. As with the spanking incident, I feel betrayed, failed, and unimportant. After the physical pain subsided, I pushed back my emotions and just lived with dealing with the pierced ears. To deal with it now, I refuse to wear earrings and have not worn them for several years. The holes remain and will always be there, unfortunately.

I have taken a different approach with my own children. Such issues are decided upon from the child's point of view, not the parents preference, and opinions. I include my children in every decision that effects them as much as possible. This is can be difficult for a baby, since he cannot speak for himself...but he does communicate. Crying is a call for help...a message that he needs something or that something is wrong. Following your heart as a parent and your intuition is good advice.

Below is how I have divided up this portion of my website to further discuss the issues that are important to me. I am proud that our way of parenting is different than what is considered "normal" here in America because I don't see many great outcomes from such "normal" parenting styles followed by so many America parents.