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Excessiveness

On this night I heard myself screaming. It had not made itself vocal but was destructive to me as if it had. Neither high pitched nor fabricated - Its sound was of failure and unrequited pain.

On this night I actually fear accepting love and relying wholeheartedly for often I am imperiled by abandonment and oh true! - misfortune. I’m too much. Too feeling. Too troubled. Too dedicated. Too resilient. Too disordered. Too needy. Too humanistic. Too loving. Too fat. Too tall. Too imperfect (in the worst of ways). Too analytical. Too fragile. I feel that my strength can be seen as none these days.

Perhaps mother was correct in stating to a recent CPS caseworker, no relatives will take me because they don’t want to deal with me/can’t handle me.

I’m too much. . .

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