Did you hear that Janet Jackson showed her boobie at
the Super Bowl?
No, really. Did you?
(If you didn't hear, I'd like to book a
weekend in that cave you've been staying in, because that sucker must
be cut-off from the world in a way unknown since the invention of
the telephone. Seriously, call me.)
I was one of the 83 kajillion people watching (or however many...
the number seems to rise in direct proportion to how mad the person
talking about the boob shot is) as Justin Timberlake ripped off the
front of Janet's Giger-esque gladiator outfit at the climax of the
halftime show, and my jaw dropped pretty much in unison with everybody
else's. That was Janet Jackson's right breast! On CBS!
Two questions sprang immediately to mind:
1) Was it intentional? and
2) Why show only one?
As for the first question, either it was
intentional, or Jackson has about the worst luck of any performer
this side of her brother. I mean, it's doubtful that anybody's
going to believe her "whoopsie!" story. This is the woman,
after all, who was being open and explicit about her sexuality back
when Brittany was still a Mouseketeer (and more power to her, I say!),
and most damning of all, she's got a new album due out in March--her
first in several years. Despite her efforts to distance herself from
her family in the public eye over the years, the child molestation
charges against her brother Michael probably make her a little nervous
about the negative publicity spilling over onto her. If it wasn't
a stunt, it should have been, and regardless of whether she's ever
officially absolved or not, she's just going to have to accept the
fact that the court of public opinion has already made their decision
on this matter. Kinda like OJ... with a funny little nipple ring.
If it wasn't intentional, I'll bet you
one dollar American that Justin Timberlake doesn't get a Christmas
card from Miss-Jackson-if-you're-nasty this year.
As for the second question... well, considering the fuss that's been
made over her right boobie, it's probably best that she kept the left
one under wraps. A girl's gotta keep some
things to herself, after all...
And Janet's nipple isn't the only thing people are getting worked
up about from this year's halftime show. Nelly grabbed
his crotch and Kid Rock wore the flag as
a poncho.
(Personally, I was more offended by the fact that everybody except
Kid Rock was lip-synching, but I'm probably just spoiled by the memory
of Gwen Stefani's awesome halftime show from last year.)
Okay, reality check time: You invite Nelly to sing at the Super Bowl,
and you don't expect him to grab his crotch?
Are you high? That's like inviting Marilyn Manson and expecting him
not to come in drag. And as for Kid Rock....
listen, nobody said the guy was a rocket scientist, and if he'd thought
about it for a second he might have realized that wearing the flag
as a poncho may not seem as "God Bless the USA" to the rest
of us as it did to him, but if there's one pop/rock singer who's demonstrated
his love for America over and over again, it's the Kid. I have a hard
time believing he meant any offense or harm.
Which isn't to say that what Janet and Co. did is appropriate for
national broadcast TV. BUT... is it possible that we're all just getting
a little too worked up over this? The FCC is talking about fining
every CBS network that ran the Super Bowl
$275,000 for broadcasting obscenity (that would be the boobie shot,
not the flag or Nelly's crotch). Everybody from the executive vice
president of the NFL to the public spokespeople for CBS and MTV to
director Spike Lee (... the hell? Who cares what he
thinks?) to Benny at the post office down the street have publicly
condemned Janet's breast.
(Which leads one to wonder how much worse it would have been if she
hadn't at least been wearing that nipple ring to cover some
of it.)
At
the end of the day, though, it's only a boobie. We've all got
them, and while, granted, not all are as pretty as Janet's, chances
are that every single person who saw the halftime show that night
have seen somebody else's before or will see one at some point in
their lives. This is not the stuff of which massive federal investigations
should be made.
Knowing and accepting that my opinion means even less in the grand
scheme of things than Spike Lee's, here's what I suggest: fine Janet
and Justin a significant sum. Ban them both
from the Grammies this year (she's scheduled to present an award,
he's nominated for forty-five of them or something). This will get
across the message that This Was Not a Good or Proper Thing. Then,
get somebody to sit down with Kid Rock and explain proper flag care
and etiquette to the man.
Finally, don't ask Nelly to perform at future Super Bowls... unless,
that is, you want 83 million pairs of eyes
directed to his crotch.
In fact, forget the drama and just have Gwen Stefani and No Doubt
back every year.
Oh, and don't even get me started on the streaker who ran out onto
the field at the beginning of the third quarter (tho you can check
out the guy's website at http://www.thestreaker.org.uk
if you're interested). I hear there was a really good football game
that night too, but we all know that was probably just a stunt to
promote Janet's new album...
- Russ, 02/05/04