| THOUGHTS |
| 1-13-03 ::sigghh:: we are so young and naive...we cant explain ourselves..we keep searching for something...we say we're looking for who we are..but i dont even think we kno wut we're looking for...we're just looking.. for something..maybe even someone..we're going thru so many phases right now..and we're all just lost...and we dont open up sometimes cuz we're afraid of how it will affect us..we are sooo afraid of getting hurt..it's better to keep quiet and be safe right? it's better to keep our opinions to ourselves and let everyone else say wut they have to say..or make decisions..cuz then that way we wont say something that sounds wrong and get ourselves into some mess that we dont want cuz everything.. is good the way it is...and we dont want to ruin that harmony....and you're right..everything seems perfect...but everything is always the same..we go out and play all day and never grow up...we feel lost and like nobody really knows us..but then we feel like we dont kno ourselves...we may feel troubled sometimes..and not even kno why we feel that way...it's ironic how much we play safe by keeping our true thoughts inside to protect ourselves..when it's really hurting us..or just keeping us where we are..lost and confused...When will things ever change?? When will we grow up...cuz we must..we cant always keep everything in..we'll be lost forever...we cant always close our hearts cuz we're afraid of getting hurt...we'll never get anywhere...and we cant always keep our thoughts and opinions on the inside..cuz we'll feel like no one knows us...we must learn to step out of our little cages that we build for ourselves..and get somewhere and find something or someone...instead of waiting to get lucky..waiting for our problems and confusion to be solved just like that..as easy as they were created..we must speak our mind..and tell each other the truth..cuz we cant always guess wut we're all thinking...we must realize that to get anywhere..we must open up our hearts and minds..cuz that's the only way to show who we really are...we should stop putting up barriers that protect our feelings from being hurt..stop being selfish and understand that we must take risks to gain in the end. |
| 1-24-03 So how are you? simple question ehh? but how do u kno if i asked u to really kno how u were? or if i just asked u cuz it's custom and i most likely expected a good..fine..or ok.. and also..am i asking u how u are as of that moment??...that temporary present..? or maybe i mean how are things in general? or how is life going for u? It's hard for me answer that question sometimes cuz my mood changes so much..i am 90% of the time good and happy...but at the same time im troubled about something that i avoid so when i have blocked myself from those thoughts..im happy again... but yet i kno it's still there...and it's bothering me...so wut do u really wanna kno when u ask "how are u?" Hehe.. so I have unfortunately turned a once simple statement.."How are you"..into something complicated...but just kno that when i ask u that question..i want to kno how u really feel and how everything is going for u =). |
| 1-25-03 Wow..those friendtests are freakin hard!! they wrinkle my brain!! haha..i am goin to make a 100 on everybody's sooner or later tho!! even tho im tired of taking the same tests over and oovverr..anyways..they would be much sooo easier if i had listened to my friends better ...sometimes im like omg! I kno this...I really really do!..but i dont cuz i forgot..horrible friend huh?? hehehe..sorry! SoOoo..im goin to try to listen better..=)... now on to my test..it was funny cuz ppl said i have a bad tendency to..... accidentally eat raw meat?? hahahh..NO! i dont do that fools! and for ur info...an adenoid is an enlarged mass of lymphoid tissue at the back of the pharynx characteristically obstructing breathing (usually used in plural). It's behind ur nose!! muAhahAhha! i had those taken out with my tonsils cuz i snored badly and they said it was a problem cuz i couldnt breathe and might suffocate when i sleep..haha..mighty embarassing.. but anyways..another question that ppl missed was where God was in my life...he is no where in my life cuz i dont believe anymore..i went thru that "I'm not sure" stage like a couple years ago..and then i moved on to the I hate Christianity..church is all politics...and now it doesnt matter to me..i dont dislike or like..and ive realized that im being an atheist hypocrite by goin to church just to do something and hang out with friends but wut's goin to happen?..if it's wrong then send me to Hell! mUAhaHAhah..it's just the hot core of the earth!.... hMmMm.. ohh yea..the last question..i dont understand why it's so hard..hehe..if ur my friend or read my thoughts then im sure u kno me pretty well..i aint hiding anything from u =) well maybe i am..but i bet u would kno that im hiding stuff cuz u kno me so well..haha..make sense?? well it's true...but then again if u failed my test the first time then i dunno about u..hahaha..JK..it's ok.. first time range was 20-50..and i didnt make it to quiz wut u knew...i made it hard on purpose so that u would hopefully learn something about me that u didnt kno..cuz that's how i view everyone's tests..im going to learn something that i didnt kno or forgot..cuz ive been so fishin ignorant..must make it up now...heheh..hmm..now there is a difference between individuality and genuineness..if u picked individuality then good job buddy!! but it's the wrong answer..hehe it would be my 2nd choice tho..i would explain..but there is no more room on this page!..ok..so if u were to take my test again u would make a hundred right?? hopefully =). good luck and goodbye!. |
| 1-27-03 usually when i think of something that i have a problem with or that im troubled about..i try to relate it to everybody...like when i find a fault in myself..i make it socially acceptable by saying that it's a fault everyone has...read old entries..maybe u'll see wut im talking about..anyways..i use "we" a lot ..cuz to some extent we share similar feelings..experiences and doubts..but this time im going to talk specifically about myself... im thinking about the ppl who have come and gone in my life..especially this past year..and definately the past summer.. they left so fast..and it's like they never existed..until i remember..until im reminiscing about past times and past conversations...all soo memorable in good ways and bad ways...i connected with them so well..in some ways..they were just like me..they thought like me, and they understood me..at times..they could even read my mind. I didnt have to tell them who i was..because they already knew...but these people..they have gone nowhere..i have gone nowhere..but yet..we're distant..we kno longer kno each other and we are simply acquaintances who hope that we bump into each other to say a simple hi... give a simple smile..and then go back to our own world with our own friends...and i dont have to question why..cuz it was me...I push ppl that challenge me away..they push my mind to its limit and they kno me so well.. they make me think because they can.. and wut am i suppose to do about that?? I cower away..I cant risk anyone breaking my shield cuz i kno that when someone does i will be soo vulnerable.. i wont be so strong anymore...cuz they will expose my weaknesses to myself..and ill have to rely on them cuz i cant fix it alone....and so i push ppl away..before they do that..before they make me realize things that i dont want to see...or make me say the things that i hide...even tho i dont want to...and so i get scared..and i get angry sometimes....and then they claim that im different than before...that im unpredictable..and that i scare them cuz they dont kno wut im thinking..I'm sorry...i thought it was all for the best but now i miss those tallks with the ppl who actually understood me..the ones who took the initiative to kno who i really was...the ones who sacrificed their guard and made me think about reality. |