| Thoughts |
| 1-04-02 me like to pretend me strong and tough..and that me..me can do everything by myself..and me also pretend that me dont need anybody..but the trufe is that... me not that strong..and me dont want to be by myself..that is stubborn and same old same old all the time..me cannot learn by myself..and tis seems nice if someone were there to teach me things..or someone to make make me feel safe and secure all the time.. cuz wifout that somebody...me is not lonely..but me must always pretend like me ann..me strong individual..me will figure things out by myself..when tis not true..me need ppl..me need you..me tired of pretending cuz tis too risky..not safe...me dont really kno how to express myself rite now =/..but me wish me could just lean back against someone and let all my worries..or wutever me have secretly built inside me..go away.. tis very vague wut me have just told u..but tis very true.. |
| 1-09-02 one thing..i do the opposite of wut u want me to do..i do and say weird things just to be different..just to rebel against nothing..i just do/say wut ppl arent expecting..i like being weird..i take weird as a compliment...i like how i do it on purpose and how i dont care if ppl think im weird..but i dont like it....yes.. it makes me someone different...it makes me stand out..but it's not really me....dont u understand? becuz i purposely do or say things that ppl dont expect..im not being me..im just rebelling..making a name for myself...but it's not right and it's confusing to me cuz i dont kno me and u dont kno me either. u kno wut?? i have realized that i have so much built in me...and i escape it by thinking that i dont..by hanging out with my friends and being happy all the time..im a positive person..i try to think positive all the time, but it's not real...dont u understand? i push back and suppress my thoughts...some examples..school..im lazy..make a couple B's here and there..it's all good..i make good enough grades..and although i keep going down rank-wise..i dont care...cuz next year it wont even matter..and it's really good where it is anyways...and i dont care about how my mom pressures me...how she reminds me to do my best..cuz she she knows that im good where i am..she just wants me to be better..everything is good and ok....yes..that's wut i tell myself and that's wut i believe..but deep down inside.. there's me telling myself that im a slacker..that im losing scholarship opportunities...that i was stupid and lazy to let my grades drop unlike the ppl who didnt..there's me reminding myself to do stuff and not doing it...need to study for too many subjects...need to do fill out applications too but gotta study...mama's going to be disappointed when she hears my report card grades..mama's goin to be disappointed with my ACT's and how i havent filled out those applications for the different scholarships she wanted me to...i always tell myself that it just matters that im satisfied....but it's not true..wut she thinks means a lot to me...and im not satisfied..im an overachiever...right now i am way under my own standards...and i regret slacking off sooo much...but i tell myself that my grades are good...they are! but they arent good enough for me and it's all my fault...do u see it now?? im a positive person...i think positive...and i push away those worries by talking myself out wutever worry that i have....but it's all still there...it's constantly on my mind..and i constantly push it back..everything will be ok..next semester it wont matter...but it really does matter to me..it matters a lot...my life revolves around school no matter how much i say that i dont care and it wont matter later... I think positively to relieve my worries and disappointments....but i realized that they dont go away cuz I just suppress them...they are always there...i pretend like i dont care..but i do care a lot.. another thing that bothers me is how my friends view me. Im the goofy, happy..hyper one..it's true...but it's not..that is a biased view of me..it's only half of me....im always happy when im with my friends cuz they're fun to be around... when im with them i escape from wut i really worry about..i dont think about it...but on the inside it's there...and i guess it's depressing me...im a happy person....but then again..im not..i feel like they dont kno me...cuz im not wut they perceive me as..im not always happy..and im a very serious person..i dont like to make jokes all the time..i dont like ppl thinking that i make jokes all the time... i only do it to escape..i do it to make us smile..and i think that im happy..but deep down..im not smiling..i fooled myself so bad.. |
| 1-12-03 the road home... driving home in the stillest of nights...it was almost curfew..i was alone and it was a lil windy...i will always remember this night cuz it was the first time that i realized how much i will miss home... i turned left at a stopsign in my neighborhood..onto a street which curves and leads straight to the soccerfield and my house.. i must have been 30 seconds away..and thinking....thinking about how routine this path was...how i take this road home every day...i looked at the trees, cars, and houses on the street while trying to freeze the images..everything looks the same as it has been for years..i kno this street so well..i grew up here..it seemed like I could close my eyes and drive myself home..which is the end of this path..the end of the gloomy settings of the night..home where there is life... where i kno the lights are still on..and my family is still up..where my mom is probably in the kitchen..my sister online chatting..my dad sleeping in his room...that's how it always is.. everything is the same..everything is routine...but that's the way i like it because everything is just right... but next year my life will change..i wont have that safe and secure feeling anymore...i wont take this road home everyday to my house.. where i can just relax...be myself...i wont have my family to be goofy with..and i wont have my bed to fall in.. everything will be different...and i will miss it all...i will miss my family..my house..MY soccerfield...which is beautiful when there is snow on it...I will also miss those annoying soccer games that crowd my street and make me park in the driveway...soo many different little things i could mention..and many ppl that i will never talk to again... the road is dark and lonely...but it will always lead to home where i belong.. |