| 1-28-03 sometimes u get screwed..and u didnt even do anything to bring it on urself..and there's not much u can do to fix it...and so u just feel bad all the time..cuz u cant control the situation and u have no answers..ur soo frustrated and look at ur friends for help...but unfortunately..they dont kno wut to do more than u do...and u wanted them to. U were hoping that somebody would give u answers..someone would tell u exactly wut to do to make that bad feeling go away..but u got nothing...and that's when u feel all lonely again cuz it's all u..and ur frustrated that u cant fix this..and mad cuz u hate this bad feeling in ur gut...and so u start blaming things and people even tho u really cant blame anyone...it's just hard not to when ur so upset about something that u had no control over cuz that's just the way things turned out for u. i really feel bad right now....my head hurts and there's a weird feeling in my stomach..i dont like feeling this way..it goes away for a lil bit..and then it comes back when im not even thinking about it..and i almost cry for no reason..but i fight it..so it hasnt gotten me yet ...yuck..i've never felt so burdened...but it's ok...cuz time changes things and i really do believe in looking at things on the brighter, other side. |
| 1-30-03 Hey you!...whats up?? i just wanted to write something today cuz i feel good right now! im sooo happy! why u ask?? no reason! haha..im just happy cuz im not at school wishing i were home so i can sit at the computer and go to everybody's xanga page one by one..AND so i can read everybody's comments to those pages too! im reading some reaally funny..sad..interesting..thoughtful..intelligent things on there! nice goin peeps..u keep me entertained =)...so wut was i thinking? o yea...i figured that i wouidl just write and ramble about something when im in a good mood to spread the happiness! it's contagious u kno! =D... i find that most of the time i only want to write in here when im feeling down and sad..(i dont like to say "depressed"..i dont feel that i ever have the right to say that)...and then i read over it again and it doesnt sound like me...and it makes my thoughts page seem so gloomy! like those bad thoughts are scarred into my head and im constantly worrying about them when it's not true at all..those thoughts are temporary misconceptions...or so i hope them to be..i dunno! anyways..i dont really care when im happy..and i can go into that later...cuz i lost my train of thought haha... so umm...i have to go now! goodbye and have a nice day folks! =)..i mean it! |
| 1-30-03 hehe..i kno i've said this many times but time passes us by so quickly...i use to be afraid that ill forget memories from my childhood and that when im older i wont understand wut it's like to be a kid..so i hold on to everything..and try to capture my experiences...for example.. i think riding the bus home from school is actually a major part in my kidhood.it was a break after school where i just got on the bus..sat down..gazed out the window and just dazed off into my own secluded world..while hoping that nobody has to sit by me..and that the kids in the back of the bus dont bother ppl with paper airplanes or spitwads..and hope that they're not so mean to the nice bus driver today...i was so shy..self conscious and withdrawn back then..i'd just sit there and think about things..or just sit there and look at the road.. u kno.. it was nice quiet time to myself away from school and my peers..who i felt were all superior to me.. well that changed later..but i enjoyed just sitting there by myself...so the last day of that year i sat there and absorbed everything.. i knew it would be the last time that i rode the school bus home from school...the other kids were talking and it was just a blanket of conversation while the engine rumbled in the background..i made sure i knew exactly wut it sounded like..cuz i was actually going to miss it...i regretted that it was my last day..all those years..so many thoughts and emotions have gone thru my head while sitting there by myself gazing out at the window at the road as all the cars..buildings..trees just pass me by...like time...like my childhood.I grew up on that bus in so many ways and ill never forget that day that i realized that it was a good experience..and i would miss riding the bus home...i left a lil bit of me there.. that day i stepped off the bus. |
| 1-02-03 i dont have a lot of patience with ppl and i get annoyed easily...i would have to say that one of my pet peeves is negativity...i dont like it when certain ppl complain to me about how bad their life is going or how nothing good ever happens to them cuz of one little incident that wasnt even that bad...and they have soo much to be happy/grateful about. It's sickening. U shouldnt take everything for granted, because one lil thing didnt turn out right for u. ppl seem to get depressed over one lil situation..feel sorry for themselves..and then think of all these extra supposedly "depressing" things that dont have anything to do with why they were depressed in the first place to get them more depressed. It's ironic. it's like they want to be sad so they can pity themselves and have other ppl feel sorry for them. awwww..poor baby..suck it up. please dont waste my time telling me about something that isnt even a big deal..if ur really sad and u dont want attention then u should go do something about it instead of whining. |
| 02-03-03 shhh....i am gazing at the stars during the night in the summer.. all by myself. 3 a.m. Serenity..it's so peaceful outside and it's just me...quiet time to myself....me and the sky.....me and the sky...sooo nice... i wish i used more time to hang with myself. I like being alone once in awhile..just sitting at the computer doin wutever or watching tv.....it's nice to be able to be lazy and just lay around doin nothing cuz it's a privilege to do nothing. I like to think of things u kno..i like to be creative. I like to read...i like to write..and i like to be home alone. I also like to listen to sad, love songs... Sometimes...I just need to go back to my own lil world. ...u kno wut i miss??..i miss long, intelligent..thought provoking conversations. i dont have those anymore..that deep connection with someone who makes me really think...someone who teaches me things or makes me realize things that my mind never grasped...those conversations can be so powerful sometimes. Not the things that are being said..but just the fact that nothing is kept in and everything is shared...u can get to know someone soo much better that way...when u share things like ur doubts, worries..and things that make u happy too,..it creates a connection that goes on to a whole different level of understanding and it's one of the nicest, reassuring feelings in the world.Yes..that is wut i miss. |
| Blah Blah Blah..more thoughts..when will i shush up and listen |