Ass or Nothing
AT THE DAWN OF THE CENTURY, REX THE GERMAN SHEPHERD DOG AND BENNY THE GRAY CAT FUCKED FOR A SHITTY WORLD. DRIVEN BY ASS-BITION, SEXUAL DESIRES, A THIRST FOR ASS-VENTURE, AND FUCKING THE ULTIMATE STORY. THEY'RE STRANDED IN A STRANGE AND SAVAGE SHIT. BEFRIENDED BY RETARDED PEOPLE. EACH DAY IS A DESPERATE FUCK TO SURVIVE�
Sir Alexei Samul's THE SHIT WORLD
IN CALIFORNIA, IN VALLEY OF ENCHANTMENT, ON SAN BERNARDINO MOUNTAINS, IN CRESTLINE AREA.
REX AND BENNY 23: ASS OR NOTHING
The trees were charred and bare, the pine needles still glowed red in some places from the fire. The ground turned to mud from fire hoses and shit came up out of sewers. Nikki walked in shit with bare feet. She came up to the cliff where they all fell into. The bridge still hung there and a small river ran 500 feet below.
Suddenly she saw hairy beasts running among tree trunks. Sasquatches! Nikki ran as sasquatches jumped out on her. Nikki went flying through the air and fell with her tits in the mud. Sasquatches beat Nikki. Mud went up Nikki's vagina. Nikki grabbed a stick and beat sasquatches with it. A sasquatch held Nikki as she beat the one in front of her with her legs. Nikki's sexy body was beat against tree branches. She kicked and punched sasquatches until they ran off.
Andy hung in a canopy of vines below the cliff next to the river. He was caught in it as he fell. He got wrapped in them and hung. The vines were affected by a compound given the name of PENISFAGGOT and therefore had penises, nutsacs, boobs, and vaginas. Andy wriggled around as plant penises went up his ass and penis. Andy was raped by plants. Plants squirted green semen with sperm cells, that could do photosynthesis, into his mouth. Andy climbed up the vines out of the hole and fell on the burned ground. Andy met up with Nikki.
As Rex the German shepherd dog was falling into the smoky ditch, he hit the water below. Three foot deep water barely broke his 500 foot fall as he hit the rocks below with his penis and nipples. Rex got up as he bled out of his 8 nipples. Just then he saw a stack of burning traffic cones come down on him. Rex was floating on his back, when burning traffic cones fell and melted hot plastic enveloped his penis. Rex dove under water the next millisecond. He passed out until morning and now the fire was out. Rex peeled hard plastic off his penis together with two layers of skin. His penis was still good. Rex walked about 100 feet until he noticed a 45 degree angle to a cliff and climbed up. There he met up with Andy and Nikki.
"But what the hell happened to Benny?" asked Rex.
Benny the gray cat woke up in a nest with eggs on the side of the cliff. Benny coughed up blood and ash out of his lungs. Suddenly he heard screeching. An eagle was flying back to its nest after the fire was over. Benny tried to climb up the wall of the cliff. An eagle swooped down and grabbed Benny in its claws, taking him up into the sky.
Andy, Nikki, and Rex stood in the forest as they heard Benny screech. The eagle carried Benny over the forest in his claws. Rex stuck a rock up his asshole, aimed it at the eagle, and farted. Fart shot the rock out of Rex's ass and hit the eagle which dropped Benny. Benny screeched as he fell into a puddle of shit on the ground. The eagle flew away.
"You're lucky," said Rex to Benny. "It would've spit you out miles away."
Now it was the matter of getting out of the forest and going back to Rimforest to see how much damage the fire has caused.
"We all made it out, except Kevin," said Rex.
"We gave him an ass-venture," said Benny. "I'm sure he is happy for that."
They walked through the forest that hasn't burned, along Strawberry Peak. They walked through a field where a raccoon was standing. They came out onto a sandy shore of 500 foot in diameter salt-water lake.
"This is called the Inshit Pee," barked Rex. "There is a small fishing village nearby."
"I don�t see any boats on the piss," said Nikki.
INLAND EMPIRE, THE BASE OF SAN BERNARDINO MOUNTAINS. Alexei, Alexei's dad, bitchma, and bitchy mom ate at SHITTOWN BUFFET. Next Alexei's dad drove to San Bernardino Fartport, which became shelter to evacuees and FEMA penisquarters. Alexei's dad went to talk to a FEMA agent about the loss of house and business. The FEMA agent looked very familiar, by the name of Mr. Ostish.
"I'm sorry," said Mr. Ostish. "We don't do businesses and FEMA says fuck you so get out of here. But I can refer you to SBA, Small Business Association."
Alexei's dad left while Mr. Ostish laughed. Shitso's disguise as Mr. Ostish proved quite ingenious. Alexei's dad went to SBA. At SBA there was a classic scene, four assholes sitting at a table, consulting people. Alexei's dad talked to an agent who looked like a familiar man, only with a mustache and a different suit by the name of Mr. Schitso.
"I feel like I heard that name somewhere," said Alexei's dad.
"I'm sorry, I just moved to California," said Mr. Schitso. "We couldn't have met. Quit wasting my time and get the fuck out of here." Alexei's dad left and Shitso laughed. Once again his disguise and ability to infiltrate organizations proved useful. Alexei's dad rented the woodshop and the house. Shit inside the house was insured and that's it.
SAN BERNARDINO MOUNTAINS. Rex, Benny, Andy, and Nikki walked through the gates of a fishing village. It was like a village from medieval ages. They walked into a tavern. Inside there were drunk men. There was a casino. Piano music was playing.
"Let's see if we can find a boat to get across the Inshit Pee," barked Rex.
Andy went over to the bar to buy a drink. Benny the gray cat saw a hooker and jumped on a bar stool next to her. She petted him.
"You know where I and my fags can find a boat?" meowed Benny.
"Boats don't go on the water since the piss monster came," she said. "It is said Shitso brought the piss monster when he was little. Now all the fish is gone. His casino is the only job in the village."
Benny saw Shitso sitting in a corner at a table and drinking beer. Benny came over to him.
At the casino men stood around the table. There was a mouse and several kinds of shit in a circle. Dog shit, horse shit, cat shit, cow shit, coyote shit, raccoon shit. Bets were placed to choose which shit the mouse will go to when placed on the table in the center. Rex put his front paws on the table. He got some chips and started betting. Mouse went to dog shit. Rex won. Everyone cheered. Then a mouse is lowered again and goes to raccoon shit. Rex wins! Everyone cheered as Rex slobbered all over chips in his mouth.
"The mathematic variables are exhilarating," barked Rex.
Shitso watched Rex win over and over. It was bad for business.
"Get rid of that mutt," said Shitso to his man.
A man grabbed Rex by the collar. Rex bit his hand. Andy and Nikki came over and so did Benny. A man punched Rex in the face. Rex jumped on the man. Men grabbed Andy and Nikki. Andy broke a bottle against a guy's penis. The casino was full of drunk men. Benny's penis penetrated the crusty shit on a bartender's asshole. Shitso yelled to all the men to fuck up Rex and Benny. Rex was picked up by his collar and punched in the stomach until he shit out all the chips he won. Andy jumped on a biker in a vest. Andy poked his fucking eye out. A drunk guy with no teeth broke a beer bottle on the counter and hit Benny with it. Benny went flying on the roulette. A guy came up behind Rex and broke a chair against his back. Rex shit on the dice and some guy licked shit off the dice. Drunk men pissed and shit on a poker table and were wiping the table with Benny. A dealfag threw a deck of cards at Rex. A card got stuck in Rex's penis. Rex screamed. Men beat the shit out of each other. Nikki screamed as men stripped her to her bra and panties and shoved money in them.
Rex, Benny, Andy, and Nikki were thrown in the village jail.
"I demand to fuck the magistery," barked Rex.
"Yeah," said Shitso. "Right after the trial."
Shitso and his men laughed as they walked away.
"No way to get home. No boat," said Nikki. "Rex, did you have to win every bet?"
"You wanted me to lose on purpose?" barked Rex.
Benny the cat was small and he walked between the bars of the jail cell. Benny walked down the hallway where a guard stood. He saw Benny.
"Oh, fuck!" he said. "We got stray cats here."
Benny jumped on him as he screamed and crawled down his pants. Benny's penis penetrated the crusty shit on the guard's asshole. Benny pissed inside the guard. His intestines ripped open with shit pouring out of them and spraying fecal matter all over Benny. Benny grabbed the keys in his mouth and ran back to the cell. Andy grabbed the keys and opened the lock. Andy, Rex, Nikki, and Benny ran out of the jail cell and through the village. As they got to the gates that led out of the village, suddenly Shitso and his men came at them.
"This is for burning down my dad's woodshop and half of Rimforest," said Andy and socked Shitso in the face. Rex jumped on him. Nikki threw punches at men and knocked them out. Some guy pulled a gun at Andy, but he pulled it away and shot a bullet up Shitso's asshole. As the bullet flew down Shitso's intestines, it compressed the fart in them by plugging them up. Fart rushed backwards into Shitso's stomach burst open and shit sprayed in Rex's mouth.
Rex, Benny, Andy, and Nikki pushed a small boat into the Inshit Pee and got in it. Andy and Nikki rowed the boat across the water.
"You know, those people were afraid of a sea monster," said Benny.
"Whatever it is, it's not invincible," barked Rex.
The boat was two-thirds of the way across the Inshit Pee. Something large with a long neck and four flippers was swimming at them through the water. It bumped against the bottom of the boat. A head on a long neck shot out over the boat out of the water. It had many teeth.
"It's a fucking Loch Ness monster," barked Rex.
Andy and Nikki screamed like bitches. Loch Ness monster jumped out of the water and flew over the boat. It slapped Rex with its enormous penis and testicles and its tail with scaly skin and made a splash as it fell in the water on the other side of the boat. Andy grabbed an anchor and threw it as Loch Ness monster shot its head out of the water. The Loch Ness monster grabbed the anchor in its mouth and dove under. It swam and the boat was yanked and went down the lake 50 miles per hour. They screamed like bitches. The boat shook and Benny screeched. Halfway across the Inshit Pee it stopped.
"It's a fart-breather," barked Rex. "It will have to come up for fart."
Loch Ness monster's head shot out of the water. Andy pointed his ass at it and lit his cigarette lighter. He farted and fart caught on fire. Loch Ness monster's head was enveloped in flames. It shrieked in pain and dove back under the water.
Their next adventure came as they were walking through a burned forest. They saw the burned remains of the woodshop and the house ahead. Suddenly there was a growl. They turned around and saw a bear coming out of the trees at them. It roared as it looked at them.
"No one make any sudden moves," meowed Benny.
Benny then took off running. The bear roared as it ran after him. Benny ran around the bend and the bear came and snapped its jaws at him. Benny ran toward a cliff next to which the woodshop used to stand. Benny grabbed a vine, swung off the edge. The bear ran off the edge and went falling 20 feet down and hit the ground, his body bursting into shit, and torn off genitals flying in Benny's face. Benny swung back to the edge.
The block of houses were burned to the ground. They found melted metal like refrigerators and saw blades. Andy found a hammer head. The trailer and a shipping container were melted. Alexei's dad's flat trailer for carrying cabinets to the job was still good. Andy and Nikki drove Rex and Benny down the hill, off the mountains where Alexei's parents got them. It was a place of traffic lights and freeways. All the shit Rex and Benny would never see on the mountains. Rex did get to spend two and a half weeks in a dog shelter. After Alexei showered Rex in a hotel bathroom, Rex started pissing all over the carpets of the hotel room.
THE END