The Missionary
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day, the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yethere a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has been going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white child."
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The Pious and The Atheist
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...
"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"
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The Priest and 3 Ushers
There was a priest and 3 ushers. The priest said to the ushers, "You have been good all your lives you may go out and do something bad."
So the three guys went out and committed a crime then came back.
The priest said to the first guy, "What have you done?"
The guy said, "I robbed 7-11."
The priest said drink from the Holy Water and you shall be forgiven.
Second guy comes in and says, "I murdered someone."
The priest said drink from the Holy water and you shall be forgiven.
Third guy comes in and the priest says, "What have you done?"
The guy says, "I peed in the Holy Water."
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The Stoning
Jesus is walking through the streets of Jerusalem when he hears a great crowd gathering at a wall. All of the people in the crowd are shouting irately and waving stones at a poor prostitute by the name of Mary Magdeline. Jesus approaches the crowd and asks, "What has this soul done to deserve such a harsh fate?"
A man answers, "She has committed adultery, and by the Law she must be killed!"
Jesus holds up his hand. "Let he among you who has no sin cast the first stone."
The crowd suddenly falls silent, and people begin to drop their stones and walk away from Mary. As people are beginning to leave, one huge, jagged stone flies out from the back of the crowd and hits Mary square between the eyes, knocking Mary to the ground.
Jesus pushes his way through as he scans the crowd for the assailant. He suddenly espies her and whines, "Mom . . ."
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They Died In the Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque.
"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
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