Married Mans Confession
This married man goes to confession and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman...almost." The priest says, "What do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
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Naughty Boys
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.
The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!?!"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?!?!"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet.
His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it."
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Nun and the Cabbie
A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high, voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?" In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation, "Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat? The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?" The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing. Are you tellin me you never think about doin' it? The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh you understand." The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?" The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it.
The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?" The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly, he could have no children." The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don't youse come on up here...I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me."
The nun looks around....they are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her....at the next light she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear.
As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh. The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?" The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya. I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I got four kids. And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's Steven and I'm on my way to a costume party."
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Nun and the Hippie
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on its way Bob the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver, "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of God. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
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Nuns and Blindman
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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