Creation of Adam
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
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Evening Bath
It was time for Father John's Saturday evening bath and young sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace and then Father John guided his Key of Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"
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Falling Down
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen'."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."
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Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?". So she replies, "My son is 6' 2"... he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body...tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my Lord...'."
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Frank Perdue and the Pope
The pope receives a call from Frank Perdue one day. Frank says to the pope,"Holy Father, I have a great proposal I'd like you to consider. I would like to pay the Church one million dollars in return for your agreement to change the words of the Our Father from: '...give us our daily bread' to 'give us our daily CHICKEN'. The pope says, "Frank that is an interesting offer, but no thanks." Mr. Perdue comes back with, "OK how about 10 million bucks?" The pope says, "That really is quite an offer Frank, but I'm sorry I can't change the Lord's Prayer that easily!" Finally, the chicken executive says, "John Paul, you drive a hard bargain, my final offer is $100 Million dollars to change the prayer to 'chicken'. The pope replies, "Wow! Frank, I'll have to meet with my cardinals and bishops and then get back to you on this offer." The next day the pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals and bishops. As the meeting comes to order he says, "Guys, I have received quite an offer, we have a chance to get $100 million dollars with which we could do a lot of good in this world. However, the downside is we may lose the Wonder Bread account."
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