Join the Church
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
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Last Rites
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd --- no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
"A priest, please" the dying man says again.
Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.
"Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."
The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:
"J-2. I-1. O-27. F-34. I-12. . ."
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Little Johnnys Confession
A man and a woman were fooling around in bed when they heard a car door slam outside the window. "Oh no!" cried the woman. "My husband is home early from work! Quick, hide in the closet!"
The man jumped out of bed, hastily pulled on his pants, and ran into the closet. Within moments, he could hear the woman arguing with her jealous husband.
Thinking he was safe, the man was shocked to suddenly hear a voice next to him. "I'm gonna scream!" said the child-like voice.
Uh-oh, he thought. It was Johnny, his lover's little son. "Wait a minute, kid," he whispered to the boy, "I'll give you $10 if you keep quiet."
"I'm gonna scream!" Johnny said again. "Uhhh, look... I'll give you $50 - just don't scream!" replied the man again.
"I'm gonna scream!" the child replied once more. "Look kid... here's $100, it's all I have!"
"Okay.", said Johnny.
So the woman's husband finally left, and the man escaped detection, much to his relief.
Two weeks later, Johnny was out shopping with his mother. They were at Toys R Us, and little Johnny had wandered over to the bike section.
"Mommy! Mommy! I want THAT bike!" he cried.
"Maybe for Christmas, honey. Mommy doesn't have the money right now." she replied.
"I do!" he said, and produced 5 crisp twenty dollar bills.
"Where did you get that money young man?" she asked. But Johnny would not tell. Furious, she decided that she would take Johnny to the local priest and see if he could get Johnny to talk.
So, she took Johnny to the church and met the priest outside the confessional. "Father," she said, "Little Johnny has found $100, and I don't know where he got it. He won't tell me, and I was hoping you could get him to confess it."
"Certainly my dear." The priest entered the confessional, and Johnny did as well.
"I'm gonna scream," said Johnny.
The priest replied, "Let's not start THAT shit again!"
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Living Hell
Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peters replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell." says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be." says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."
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Lost Hat
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."
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