Religious Jokes

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Three Proofs of Jesus

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1.His first name was Jesus
2.He was always in trouble with the law
3.His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A REDNECK:
1. He was always talking to sleazy women
2. He was always hanging around his buddies telling fish stories
3. Everybody crucified him

Two Nuns and a Vampire

Two nuns are on vacation in Transylvania. Despite all the warnings to the contrary, they've stayed out after dark. Sure enough, as they're driving along, a vampire flies out of the night and lands on their windshield, hissing and baring his horrible bloody fangs. "Dear Lord! What shall we do?" cries the first nun. "Turn on the windshield wipers. Maybe that will break his grip," answers the second nun. No luck. Now the vampire is wet and angry. He claws at the windshield. "Now what shall we do?" yells the first nun, getting even more scared. "Weave the car back and forth. Maybe he'll fall off," says the second nun. No luck. The vampire is beating on the glass now, and it's starting to crack. "NOW WHAT!?!?!" cries the first nun. The second nun tries to remember how to get rid of vampires. She has a sudden flash of insight. "Show him your cross!" she yells, triumphantly. The second nun sticks her head out the window and yells, "Get off the fucking car, you asshole!!"

Watch Your Language

After years of his wife's pleading, this rich good ole boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand. He said, "Reverend, that was the best damn sermon I ever did hear!" The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house." The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was such a damn good sermon!" The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way in Church!" The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so damn good, I put $5000 in that there collection plate." And the Reverend replied, "NO SHIT?!?!"

Where Jesus Is

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!" Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!" Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Young Priests First Confession

A young priest just out of Seminary arrives at his assigned Parish on a Saturday afternoon. Father O'Malley tells him that everyone is busy with church business and would he please hold confession? The young priest is more than happy to help and steps in to begin. A lady enters, kneels and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been quite a long time since I've been to confession. I have to tell you I've had pre-marital sex". Fresh in his mind was the class on penance and he immediately gave 2 Our Fathers, 2 Hail Marys and told her to put $5 in the church box. She replied," Father, it's been a real long time since I've last been to confession. I also have committed oral sex". Again he was quick with the response and penance. "3 Our Fathers and 4 Hail Marys and put another $5 in the church box". Without a pause, she spoke once more, "Father, it's even been longer than you think since I've been to confession". "I've even committed anal sex!" This time, he had no idea what to give and told her to wait a minute. He stepped out of the confessional and happened to see one of the altar boys cleaning the altar for tomorrow's mass. The priest called the boy over and inquired, "What does Father O'Malley usually give for ANAL SEX?" The boy replied, "Oh, he normally just buys us all a Pizza!"

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