Another Goo Story
By: Rebekah Parham
-45-
I had been in the hospital for six weeks. I could walk on my own and get up and down without anyone's help now. On the outside I was back too my old self, but inside my heart and soul, well, that was another story. I was putting on my jacket getting ready to leave the hospital when I heard a knock on my door. I thought it was probably one of the nurses coming to say good-bye so I said, "Come in."
Reagan slowly came into the room and looked around. "Looks like you are doing much better."
"Looks that way doesn't it" I replied then looked down to finish tying my shoes.
"Kayla, please don't be angry with me. I want to help you."
"You want to help me, John wants to help me. Do you people think that I am completely helpless?"
"No, I just thought...."
"Well, don't think. I don't want your help. I don't want anything to do with you." I said in a sharp tone.
"Don't push me away now. I only did what I did to help you."
"That's right everything you did was because you loved me."
"Yes, it was" Reagan agreed.
"Well, in that case let me be the first to thank you" I said making an attempt to bow before her.
"Kayla, it wouldn't have mattered whether me or John told them to perform the abortion or not, you still would have lost the baby. You heard what the doctors said, you had a miscarriage."
"Yes, I heard everything they told me."
"Then why are you still so mad at me?" Reagan asked
"We made a promise. You promised me that no matter what you would never tell John that I was pregnant and you broke that promise."
"Technically Robby was the one that told John."
"But he never would have known if you hadn't of told Robby."
"Kayla, I had to tell John. I thought you were going to die. You are my best friend I couldn't just sit back and watch you die" Reagan tried to explain.
"You did one hell of a job keeping me alive. I am healthy and strong again just like I was before, but at the same time I am dead. Do you have any idea what its like to know that a child you created with someone you loved is dead. Do you know what that feels like?" I shouted at her.
"No" Reagan said wiping her eyes that had filled with tears.
"No, you don't. I wish that I had died with my baby. Then I wouldn't have to know what this emptiness in my heart feels like. I wanted to save John from going through this same pain. But no, you weren't content with letting me suffer alone. You felt you had to bring as many people as you could into this anguish."
"That's not what I meant to do. I was only trying to help you." Reagan cried.
"I don't know if I can stand much more of your help, so from now on try to stay as far away from me as possible," I said walking past her and out of the room.
-46-
When I left the hospital, I knew I wasn't ready to go home. I couldn't go home to South Carolina because none of my family knew I was even pregnant. I decided to go visit Artie in New York. I called him from the airport and asked him if it would be all right for me to sty with him for a while. He was more that happy that I was coming to stay with him. When I stepped off the plane he was there to hug me, "I have missed you so much" he said.
"I have missed you too. How are things?" I asked
"Oh, you know, same old stuff. And you? What have you been up to lately?" he said getting my one bag from the luggage rack.
"Nothing too much. I been keeping busy with DreamMaker." I said walking with him to his car that was parked near the entrance to the airport.
"I was so surprised when you said you wanted to come for a visit. Not that I'm complaining." We got in Artie's Explorer and started toward his house. We chit chatted for a while then he brought up Reagan. "Where is Reagan?"
"She is back in California."
"This is like the first time I have ever seen you two apart I think. I everything okay?"
"Couldn't be better" I lied. I was glad when Artie finally pulled up in front of a middle sized house.
"I finally decided that I had had enough of living in that apartment. I bought this house last summer" He said as we walked inside.
"It's lovely" I said looking around. It looked just like something Artie would have bought. It wasn't fancy but it seemed to suit him. He showed me to my room and told me that I could unpack some things or rest for a while if I wanted too. I tried to rest but I couldn't close my eyes.
Artie was cooking salmon patties when I went into the kitchen. "Need any help?"
"Like you can cook" he teased.
"I will have you know that I can do a lot of things now that I use to not do."
"Oh really? Well, then why don't you peel this onion?" he said. I took the onion and started peeling. I was so glad that I had come back here. I felt better than I had in weeks. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking and filling each other in on our businesses.
We finally decided to get some sleep and we both went to bed. After the plane ride and actually getting out of bed and doing something I was pretty tired. I laid down and went fast asleep, but I didn't stay that way long. I had a horrible dream that a baby was crying out in pain and I couldn't find it. I sat up in a cold sweat. I went into the bathroom and splashed some cold water on my face. Going back into my room I sat in a rocking chair and put my hand on my stomach. I started to sing, but I only got halfway through '2 Days in February' before I started crying.
"Kayla, are you okay" Artie said standing in the door. "I heard you get up and go to the bathroom and...Why are you crying?"
"I couldn't speak. I buried my head in my hands and cried. Artie came over and tried to soothe my sobs. After a while the tears finally stopped but Artie continued to hold me. I whispered, "I had a miscarriage." I thought he would say something but he just listened as I told him everything. He didn't try to tell me it would be all right, or say he wanted to help me; he just listened. After I had completely explained that the baby had been John's and I about the baby, Artie picked me up and put me back in the bed. He tucked the covers around my chin and kissed the top of my head.
"Tomorrow is a new day, Kayla" he said going back into his own room.
The next morning Artie didn't bring up anything I had told him. If fact he didn't bring it up at all. I was most grateful for that. Being back in Buffalo got my mind off of things. I helped Artie with work, met all his new promising stars, caught up with old friends that I hadn't seen in years. I was finally feeling good again. We were sitting at the kitchen table one morning when Artie asked, "You are doing such a good job, that I can only imagine the success that you've had with DreamMaker."
I inwardly groaned. I hadn't even so much as called to find out how things were. "Things were going rather well."
"Were?" Artie questioned.
"Before...you know. Since then I haven't really paid any attention to it."
"That doesn't sound like you." Artie said putting aside the newspaper he was reading to search my face. "I'm going to say this because I love you. I know lately you have had a few low points in your life, but did it ever occur to you that maybe John is going through the same pain as you?"
"He didn't even know about the baby until the day it died," I said bluntly.
"That doesn't matter Kayla. John loves you and anytime you are hurting he is going to hurt too. I'm sure right now he is in a lot more pain than you think. Not only did he loose a child, he thinks he's lost you too."
Artie picked his newspaper back up and continued reading. Several minutes passed until he asked, "Kayla, how would you feel about seeing the Goo Goo Dolls perform?"
His question startled me. I looked at him dumbfounded and said, "What are you talking about?"
He handed me the newspaper and written in big bold letters were 'Goo's return for a day in their honor.' The city of Buffalo had decided to have a Goo Goo Dolls day due to the guys recent success. There would be a parade and concert one week from Saturday.
-47-
For the next week I couldn't open a newspaper or turn on the TV without hearing about the Goo Goo Dolls day. It seemed that all of Buffalo had become obsessed with it. Artie kept trying to goad me into going to the concert, but I continued to tell him that I thought it was too soon.
"Are you sure you don't want to go with me?" Artie asked as he was getting ready to leave for the parade.
"I'm sure"
"You can stand in the very back, no one will even have to know you're there."
"Artie, if you don't go you're going to miss the beginning of the parade" I said trying to push him out the door.
"Well, if you change your mind the concert starts at 7:00" he said laying a ticket on the table, then rushing out the door before I could hand him the ticket back.
I sat on the couch and tried to read a book. I wasn't having very much luck, my mind kept wondering. Artie's words kept drifting through my head that no one would notice me. I laid my head back on the couch and looked toward the door. The ticket lying on the table caught my eye. It was already 6:55, there was no way I could get to the concert before it started. But maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing, everyone would have already taken there seats and wouldn't pay me any attention.
I grabbed my jacket and the ticket and raced out the door. The concert was sold out so I had a tough time finding an empty seat. I managed to squeeze through and find a seat only ten rows from the stage. Robby was half way through "Laughing" when I came in. As always John and Robby ran around the stage and told stories about life on the road. Some of them I remembered others I hadn't been there for.
John started talking about a song he had just finished for the new Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan movie, City of Angels . He described what the movie was about then began playing a song he called "Iris." It was a beautifully touching ballad. Screams and cheers were heard throughout the crowd when the song was over. All the girls loved it, and even some of the guys too.
After the guys had come back out on stage to do their anchor Robby sang "Burning Up." John, once again, started telling about another song he had just written. "This song is about a guy and a girl that are meant to be together but everything keeps getting in their way. They are lying to themselves attempting to forget that they love each other. It's written from the guys perceptive and he is trying to tell the girl to just hold on because their time is coming when things will be right for them to be together."
John turned and gave Mike the signal to start playing. I was expecting another ballad but it wasn't. Then I heard John's voice begin to sing...
Gone away
Who knows where you been
You take all your lies
And wish them all away
I somehow doubt
We'll ever be the same
There's too much poison
And confusion on your face
Can you feel it
I didn't mean it
Can I see you
What are we doin'
I think I love you
but I ain't sayin' nothin' you don't know
Hold on dreamaway
My breath caught in my throat when I heard him say "You're my sweet charade." That is what he had called me when we were at the cabin. I watched the rest of the show through tear filled eyes. After the last song they thanked everyone for coming and left the stage.
People were beginning to file through the exits but I continued to stare at the stage. I didn't realize that there were so few people left in the auditorium until I looked up. I walked toward the back exit, but stopped and turned back to the stage. He was so close. I could go to him, talk to him. Make sure he was all right, but I chickened out and returned back to Artie's house.
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