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In September of 1997, Sarah came down with what appeared to be the flu. I was volunteering at our church on a Tuesday morning and Sarah was with her Nana and Pop. I got a call about 11:00 am that Sarah wasn't feeling good and had a fever. I rushed to get her, thinking she was just sick. She felt pretty warm, so I ran to the store for medicine and then gave her that and a bath to lower her temp. Sarah always ran a high temperature when she got sick. Everytime she got a fever it would be high. So this was not uncommon to me. After the bath she fell asleep. I called the doctors office and they had no appointments, but said to take her to urgent care. After she woke up I took her in. By then it was about 2:00pm. We saw the doctor and he said looked like the flu. She had perked up a bit while at the doctors office and her fever had gone down. The doctor ordered blood and urine tests. We finally left there and arrived home about 4:30pm. Sarah layed on the couch watching a movie, sleeping off and on. My husband arrived home and we just continued taking care of her. At about 7:30 pm I called the urgent care to see if her blood tests had come back. The doctor told me her white blood cell count was a little high, which means she is fighting something. He said if she got worse or gets a stiff neck then take her to the ER, as urgent care would be closing soon. About 9:00 pm her temperature went up again. We were getting ready to give her a cooling bath when we noticed a strange rash oner her back and chest. We decided to go to ER. By the time we got to the ER, the rash was spreading down her legs, arms and face. They took her in and the doctor knew immediately what it was. He suspected menningitis. They did a spinal tap, started the IV, and ordered blood work. By now the rash was all over her body, she was lethargic and was not getting enough oxygen in her blood. We were just trying to comfort her. All of a sudden her eyes dilated real big and she said she couldn't see me. We immediately called the nurse, she looked at Sarah and then looked at me and said "prepare yourself for the worst." I will never forget her big, brown eyes and the way she looked when she said that. I think I knew what she meant, but didn't want to believe it. I sort of asked her, worst, meaning what? She just looked at us and said they would have to intubate her. (Put a tube down her throat for oxygen). She said we should leave the room for that. I understood and agreed. Before and during all this, Mike was frantically trying to contact his family and our pastor. When we left the room I was still able to watch through a little window. As they were putting the tube in, her vital signs were going crazy, one thing too low, the other too high. I just kept encouraging Mike to go use the phone. I didn't want him seeing this. So I kept him away from the window, until they closed the curtain. Before they did that, I could see them doing CPR on her and I knew we were losing her, and there was nothing I could do. The pediatrician arrived and went in with her. After a few minutes he came out and told us that they were doing CPR on her and he had tried everything and it wasn't working. He said they had been doing CPR for almost 30 minutes and generally they try for 30 minutes and then stop. I told him he had 5 minutes left and that we were going to be here praying and for him to pull out any tricks he might have left. He went back in and 15 minutes later he came out and told us she was gone. I couldn't believe it. This isn't supposed to happen. It all happened so fast. We were only at the ER about 3 hours when she died We went there thinking she would get medicine and come home and be fine, then realized she would have to stay in the hospital to get better, we never thought we would leave that hospital without her. We were both in shock and just went into "auto pilot" mode. Within 5 minutes after she ws gone, the Elder from our church and his wife arrived. Mike had left a message for him that Sarah was really sick and where we were and they came there. I told him what had happened, and then I saw my mother, father and sister in law coming. While the Elder went in to talk to MIke, I took the family into a private little room and told them. One of the hardest things I ever had to do, they all loved her so much. After that I went into the waiting room and got our foster son and told him she had died. The hospital said they did not have the facilities to keep her body and explained the options of autopsy and so forth. Of course I wanted an autopsy, I wanted to know what caused this, even though the doctors already knew. They called for the coroners to pick her up and told us it could take all night for them to get there I didn't care, I would stay and wait. I don't exactly know why I couldn't just leave her there alone, but I couldn't. It was like she was still my responsibility until I had to let her go to the coroner. I would not leave until they picked her up. While we waited we were allowed to go in and be with her if we wanted. I went in 2 or 3 very short times. It was too hard to see her like that. Mike and others stayed in there a very long time, but I couldn't. Sometime during the night, our pastor and his wife came and stayed with us. Mikes family left and took our foster son with them to go do some things and tell the rest of the family. We waited all night until the coroner came, after 8:00 am.
When we finally got home, we had to face all the toys around the living room. It truly becomes a "living" room with the kids. Toys everywhere. Mike gathered all it all up and put it in her room, as we had agreed on that before we got home. We couldn't bear to just sit and look at all her toys, her world. While Mike did that, I was on the phone contacting my family to tell them what had happened. I had to call my sister/best friend, my mom and my 2 borthers. The next week was a blur of activity, which in a way was good as it kept me busy. We had people from church bringing food, family came in from out of town, and the funeral arrangements to make. Our pastor went with us and walked us through the funeral arrangements. So much to deal with and worry about at a time when we are really not in the right mind to deal with it. We got through it and all that was left was to prepare and wait for the viewing and the funeral. I remember wanting the funeral as soon as possible, just to get it over with, but it would take almost a week before we could have it. I thank God for making us wait that long. We were able to do some wonderful things during that time, that we might not of been able to do without the time. We had time to make many plans about the viewing and funeral. It gave time for a friend from church to get copies of photos of Sarah and make a beautiful collage that we put outside the viewing room and in the chapel at the funeral. They also got family and friends to write down a special memory of Sarah and compiled them into a memory book that was handed out at the funeral. We thought of getting a hand and footprint of Sarah, because we had never done that. (the kind that is pressed in clay) My sister in law asked the mortuary if we brought the stuff, would they do it, they agreed. I couldn't believe it! My sister in law brought the kit to them and they got her hand and footprints. What a blessing from God to give us the time to think of this, the time to get it done and have the mortuary agree to do it. I think it was definetely from God. So much during that week was from the Lord, I know it. We were able to thnk of and find a necklace that Mike and I had gotten when we were dating 15 years before. It is the kind of necklace that each person wears half. We put one half on Sarah and we still have the other half. We planned the viewing too. We gave ourselves 30 minutes at the beginning and at the end of the viewing to just be alone with Sarah. We had brought a box of some of her favorite toys, her pacifier (it was her trademark), and 2 blankets from her bed (she always had to have 2 at bedtime). At the end of the viewing, everyone went out of the room except our pastor and elder. We put all the things we had brought in with her, put the blankets on her, took a clipping of her hair, prayed and then Mike and I closed the casket together. One of the hardest things was saying goodbye, but it was such a beautiful goodbye. If we had to go through this, I know God made everything beautiful and gave us such peace. The next day was the funeral. We had gathered toys to decorate around the casket and used one of her blankets to drape over the top, with two pictures of her on top of that. It was a beautiful service. Mike got up and spoke. He told of the 9 day pregnancy and what a miracle she was. God gave him so much strength to be able to speak there. My sister read a poem she had written for Sarah when she was born, my sister in law read another poem called "God's Child and Mine", my brother sang a short song he had written in the days after Sarah died. After the chapel service, we had the graveside service.
This was the most horrible days and week of my life, but since we had to go through it, God made sure that everything was how we wanted it to be and as beautiful as it could be. I know that God took care of every detail. My special colors for Sarah were pink and white. Her whole bedroom was done in pink and white. Mike would always say we needed to add another color to the room, but I insisted on pink and white. God knew how special that was to me. When we had to go and pick out the casket, there it was, a little pink and white one, I knew it was from God. There were so many things that happened that way during that week, and even after, that truly gave me the peace that God was with us and carrying us through it.
At the time of this writing it has been 3 years since Sarah went to be with Jesus. We now have sons. Ian born in October 1998 and Jason born in January 2000. We had hoped to have another girl, but Jason is our last child. Sarah will remain our one and only precious, little, miracle girl. |
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