'here there's no tour but for the poet
blessed and alone when his faith is strong
i would give all to have known before it
i would have changed that i may belong'
Discipline
sketches towards a biography...
i come close to wanting to take harlan ellison's desired epitaph as my bio...'for a moment i was here, and for a moment i mattered.' but this doesn't satisfy, doesn't come close to fully expressing me. i am large, i contain multitudes.
who is bill? i ask myself this all the time. i can give you statistics:
dob: 16 april 1973
age: 27
hair: at the moment, none.
eyes: hazel or green or blue. they change...
height: 6', give or take
weight: fluctuates
but this is not satisfying either. it tells what i look like, but looks are not the person. they are the mask i wear to present myself to the outside world. what i am is inside.
as i mentioned on the first page, much has changed for me in the last five months. those changes have changed who i am. let me try to tell you who I am...
i am a goth...a dreamer...a poet at times. i love the night, feel fully alive as i walk in the moonlight. i am introspective, to a fault, self demanding and rarely living up to my self-imposed expectations. i am quiet, withholding, soft spoken. i speak rarely of my emotions and feelings, as I often feel they are unimportant or less important than those of others. i am giving and generous i think, willing to extend anything to my friends that they need.
i am currently undergoing treatment for phase 2 intermediate large cell non-hodgkin's lymphoma, a form of cancer. i have completed chemotherapy, am preparing for radiation, and keeping in the corner of my mind that there is a possibility that there may be more treatments after my radiation is done, if it does not 'kill' the tumor. i know there is a good prognosis for this type of cancer, but there never are any guarantees. this more than anything, changed me i think...15 may 2000 is a date i will remember forever...the day i was diagnosed with cancer.
i am a depressive. for years i fought against taking any medicines to help me with this, because of a bad experience i had with the same kind of medicines when i was younger. but i've given in and am accepting that there are things i can no longer control or do on my own. this is one of them.
i am an unrepentant geek. my telephone is hooked up to my computer, i have a cell phone that i can recieve e-mail on, my computer's case is permanently detached from the pc itself to more easily facillitate accessing the inside. i drool over new technology, lust after tech tools books and software, and speak the lingo with entirely too much ease. i've corrupted my wife and daughter too...they're becoming as interested in computers and technology as i am.
why did i name this page canto IV? multiple reasons, but all branch out from one major one. one of my favorite groups is discipline, a very dark and brooding progressive band from michigan. one of their best songs is titled 'canto iv (limbo)' i appropriated it for my yahoo nickname, and you'll find me on yahoo IM as canto_iv.
there is far more about me i can write. my hobbies, my interests, my desires. these i outline on other pages.
there will be more. my life is but a book half written, half imagined. there are countless chapters yet to be written, scenes still to be staged. voyueristically i open my life here to you, in the hopes that through your eyes you see my life for what it is...
you see before you two portals...
choose one to continue on
