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| Plishenko Voskov |
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| This section is where I write insightful editorials on highly controversial topics which other writers refuse to adress that I find too important to leave untold like adressing the problem of run-on sentences that plague the world with unnecessary length. If you have an idea which causes people to point at you and laugh hysterically, when you were trying to be serious, e-mail me, like I have anything better to do, which I don't. |
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| Why Corn is Yummy By Comrade Plishenko Man has always searched for the meaning of life, but the reason why corn is yummy is a much more important question. It is a common misconception that corn is not actually yummy, whoever says that is full of bull sh...ugar. Corn is the finest product to buy on a cob since turnips. The greatest foods are always afiliated with corn. Candy corn, popcorn, and most candy products have corn syrup in them. I saw an annoying comercial the other day, and after my fit of discontent, throwing pieces of broken beer bottles at the screen from earlier confrontations with my tele-visual friend, a man had made corn into a clean-burning fuel for vehicles. I knew that he would later be shot by some hitman hired by the descendants of Rockefeller, who probably is still providing his sons and son's sons with royalties from Mr. Monopoly's previous oil fortune, but his corn-car was still a good idea. Not only did Mr. Corn-fuel buy hundreds of acres of corn, he probably bought the farm too. No man who makes Corn Flakes would ever hire a hitman to snuff his enemies, unless Post made some kind of super corn flake, then Kelogg's would just steal their idea when it came out and destroy the competition with clever marketing techniques and shiny comercials. (Which shall receive many brown bottles.) Would Jesus have been able to walk on water without corn? Probably, but he would not have been able to smite everybodies sins without a cob to huck at Satan. I am pretty sure that particular passage was the reason why the church banned the Lost Gospels. I think it was Jimmy 14:31 or something, it was a little under two thousand years before I was born so the details are a bit fuzzy. It has come to my attention that the last two paragraphs had nothing or little to do with the taste of corn, or reality, so I'll try to remain on topic. Some idiots believe that aliens brought corn to this planet as a sign of peace, but our neanderthal fore-fathers smote them and stole their corn for their own. I feel this is highly unlikely, which is somewhat out of character for me. What other vegetable drags people from their usual driving habits like corn selling on the side of the road? Potatoes? Carrots? Those fat-cats in (enter capital here)?! Hell(o) no! Nothing (except for mandarin oranges, which may become another editorial topic) reminds us of the bounty of the harvest like corn. Some of the greatest pieces of humourous literature are inspired by corn: "Why is corn such a good listener? Because it's all ears!" Isn't that the 'corn'iest joke you have ever heard! (drum and cymbal) I'm running out of stupid ideas, so I have to conclude this editorial before I start rambling out of control, which would probably make more sense then the passage above. So, now it is probably easy to see how corn has to taste good, because it has done so much for society. So has gun powder, which I don't think tastes very good, but really helps when Post is being an ass...embly of idiots. The History of the Mandarin Orange The mandarin orange is actually an offshoot of the beta version of the tomato. The original architects of the tomato, Kapitan Heinz and Batman, were divided on what characteristics they wanted their new food to have. Batman wanted a sweet, orange fruit with a leathery exterior that could be peeled off and dicarded, exposing a juicy interior seperated into ten or so sections that could be enjoyed individually during the festive season. However, Kapitan Heinz, who was much more aware of the need for a suitable object to be thrown at performers during horrible plays and the dangers of onion induced injuries as well as the pricey nature of cakes, wanted to design a red fruit (Although Heinz knew it was a fruit, he was a real jerk and wanted to call it a vegetable just to screw with people's minds.) that had a thin skin which would easily tear when the fruit was subject to forces generated by an impact with an actors head. It should then be able to spread its squishy inards all over the victim, making him or her look much more foolish than they would lying on the ground unconscious from an onion to the head or with a chocolate stain on their Lederhosen from some Schwarzwaldkuchen. After creating a prototype in an attempt to satisfy both their ideas, Heinz and Batman decided to go seperate ways and work on this new food independently. Batman went on to create a superior type of orange, which he later sold to Mandarin-land for a few billion dollars. Batman used that money to create an alter-ego for himself, Bruce Wayne, build a nice mansion over his Batcave and start a company of his own. Kapitan Heinz went on to create the tomato, which became a huge sucess around the world when ugly teen-agers try to perform an interpretive dance version of "Romeo and Juliet" and skip all the parts that have to do with love since no girls showed up for the auditions and the rest of them are too homophobic to play Juliet and kiss a dude. The tomatoes were so widely thrown that Heinz decided to mop up all of the spattered inards at all of the horrible performances and bottle them as souveniers. Turned out, the souveniers were tastier than expected, and people decided to use the leftover inards on their freedom fries (Shortly after the invention of tomatoes, people got tired of being able to do whatever they wanted to all the time, so they later renamed their fried potato strips after the french, who they thought had really cool accents.) and God also used a watered down version of Heinz's Tomato Leftovers as a liquid medium used to transport nutrients in lowly mortals like ourselves. To avoid copyright infringement, God called his nutrient medium "blood" and suggested the name "ketchup" (which meant "kick-ass" in heaven) to Kapitan Heinz for the non-watered down version of the condiment. |
| Why Mandarin Oranges are Almost as Yummy as Corn By: Comrade Plishenko Although I am sure everyone in the world wishes everything else in the world was as yummy as corn, we all know this is not the case. If this was so, feces and brocolli comsumption would sky-rocket resulting in millions of people worldwide becoming violently ill. Well, I don't think poop is that bad, but never the less, I'm pretty sure some apocalyptic bad stuff would happen or something. Even though almost everything tastes like brocolli when compared to the sweet, captivating and refreshing taste of an ear of the good stuff, there are a few foods that can give corn a run for its money. I hear parfaits are pretty good. Dreamworks made this quite clear in their historically accurate documentary "Shrek." This was especially true when the food was compared to onions and cake, generally regarded as the two finest foods and objects to throw at performers in horrible plays at the time. Tomatoes were to be invented 30 years later. There is also another food which is by many regarded to be the greatest non-cob-fixed fruit/vegetable to have survived both world wars and Jenny Craig's evil-eye for the tasty and fattening, the mandarin orange. They come but once a year, and taste like brocolli if they are stored in the 'fridge too long, but mandarin oranges are the greatest thing to eat when not partaking in the delisciousness which is corn. The History of the Mandarin orange can be read on the right side of this page, unaltered from the original text I once found written on a toilet seat after a long journey through some really snowy and Yeti/Abominable Snowman/Bumble filled mountains. I think I saw some harpies too, but they might have just been a couple of ugly chicks. I also battled three hydra and a sphynx to get there, but I have to do that no matter where I go, so they don't really count. Of course, I don't just write these editorials by pulling stuff out of my ass and then adding words like "awesome" or "whoopin'est" in every sentence just to keep the reader on their toes/confused, I actually do some pretty in-depth research to make sure the facts are heard in the awesomest way possible. I gathered some of my information from Wikipedia.org, which has a fascinating article on the Mandarin orange: "The Mandarin orange or mandarin is a small citrus tree (Citrus reticulata) with fruit resembling the orange. The fruit is oblate, rather than spherical, and roughly resembles a pumpkin in shape. Mandarin oranges are usually eaten plain or in fruit salads. Specifically reddish orange mandarin cultivars can be marketed as a tangerine, but this is not a botanical classification. The Mandarin orange is widely know for its ability to kick some serious ass when it comes to being yummy, a trait shared with corn, which is widely known as the whoopin'est veggie to have roxed t3h werld eVar." The great taste of the Mandarin orange has also had a profound effect on the views and teachings of many political and religious leaders. Jesus once said while speaking with his disciples during the Last Supper, "Take, eat; this [bread] is My Body; which is broken for you. Par-take of the cup, drink; this [wine] is My Blood, which is shed for many; for the remission of sins, and don't forget to try some of these damn fine Mandarin oranges." That last line never quite made it into the published version of the Bible as it was mysteriously smudged out by orange juice in the transcript given to the editor. By the end of this article, it has no doubt become clear that Mandarin oranges are truly one of the finest tasting foods to have never been corn at one point in time and that I am truly insane. Either way, I hope you have had at least 5 and a half times more fun reading this editorial than I had writing it, or at least 3 and a quarter if you did not understand the big words, or about 2 and a third if you realized I didn't start capitalizing the word "Mandarin" until I was half-way through writing this thing. My bad. |