| This is where old stuff goes, like an online garbage dump, but nicer because I made it. There are old updates, old editorials, non-perishable funny items, good until society as we know it becomes a rigid mass of order and perfection, which will never happen because my spelling will always be terrible. Maybe if you e-beg me enough I will stick some old stuff back up if it is really good. You know how to do that. I also have pictures of myself. Now the world knows the horror that I face everyday when I wake up and look in the mirror. |
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| Plishenko Voskov |
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| Why inbreeding should be banned. |
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| Nov. 30-This thing! -New quotes. -Added to my sites intro. -Special thanks Dec.3-New Funny Stuff page Dec.6-New quotes. Dec.16-New funnystuff. Dec.22-New title look! Jan.2-New quotes. Jan. 13-More quotes. Jan. 14-Funny cartoon in funny stuff. - The results are in! Jan. 22-Bouncing smilies! -New titles on the pages! Feb. 7 - New Did You Know section. Feb. 15- New update sign delie. Feb. 18- New quotes. Feb. 19- Results are in for my second poll! Check out my new poll above and the results too! - New quotes. _ New Dilbert cartoon on Funny Stuff. Feb. 22- New quotes. Mar. 21- New quotes. June 12- New quotes and funnystuff. June 24.- New funnystuff. Aug. 16.-Results are in for the third poll! Check out the results and the new poll above! - New funny stuff. Aug. 20- Changed the intro - Comment under visitor counter. Aug. 25- New quote. Aug. 31- New backgrounds. Sept. 25- New quote. - The results are in! Check out the new survey above! Sept. 28- Various new stuff on my home page. Oct. 21- Jazzed it up a bit. Check out the 'Update' section (this thing) and the 'Quotes that work' excerpt thing above. Oh yeah, and the 'Did you know' thing too. Nov. 22- I am actually making a new section for my site.No, not a whole site dedicated to "Updates", Editorials. Nov. 25- Done my Editorial section and an editorial too! Man this update thing is getting long. Thats why I also created my archive page. Oh yes, Useless Info has been serving you for over a year now, Happy Birthday! Dec. 5- Fixed up a bit on my editorial, added some new quotes. I finally got enough votes on my poll to put up a new one! What a vicious cycle. Vote above and check out the old poll's results. Dec. 9- New title. Dec. 13- New background, fixed some little screwups. Dec. 19- New pic's in Archives. (No, they are not doctored, just... modified in such a way to appear as doctored.) Dec. 29- New editorial. Jan. 27- Another super editorial. Will somebody please finish up my poll for me! I need 3 more votes! Please! Feb. 11- New quotes. New quote in my Quotes That Work section above. |
| How I catch my supper. |
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| My icy home. Yes, Russia is cold. (cough that sounds like dipsh@t) |
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| What I would like to catch for supper. |
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| The only time someone actually called me 'hot.' |
| A recruitment poster for the 127th. |
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| Fishing in cartoon land. With runny mascara and sexy lipstick. |
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| From Furny Shtuff: In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) |
| Why Life Sucks
By Comrade Plishenko You would think that this would be an opinionated article, but I believe I have proof that life, a.k.a. the old brick in the face, really does suck. Any reasonable teenager could come up with hundreds of valid reasons why life sucks. This is because they have not been alive long enough for life to crush their gentle spirits yet, but are old enough to have a clear view of societies foibles. In a way, realizing that life sucks is a true test in knowing that you have finallly grown up. It is not when you are eighteen and finally have rights where you can vote and get hammered, or when a man or woman finally can grow a beard, mostly pertaining to men, but remember, I live in Russia. Some people never grow up, and die happy. Uuuhhhgg, gives me the creeps. I hope to die cranky, right flush in the face with reddy goodness. Then I want to be cryogenically frozen so when someone cures what killed me, like finding all of my charred body parts after a large explosion and gluing them back together, then I can complain about how the future sucks and how they do not make things like they used to. I would also like some funky-future-moon pants, that could make me fly. Then I would get respect from those lousy young people A good example of the horrors in life can be seen in the media. All of those dead bodies everywhere, sexual assault, people getting beaten to death. No order whatsoever. And to think that happens outside of the newsroom too! Imagine what goes on in the janitors closet, stashing of chemical weapons I bet! If one is open minded you do not have to go far to see all of the suckiness that surrounds us. Nothing ever good happens without some crap following closely behind. Things that really are good are only less sucky. I guess you could say that sucky things are only less good, but then you are getting into a half-empty-half-full drinking utensil debate. Absolutely everything sucks, excluding this article, and my website, and me, but besides that everything sucks. The ammount of repitition of the suckiness in this article sucks. The word 'sucks' sucks. Sentence fragments. Thus life sucks. Stay tuned for my next editorial: Why Life is Great! |
| Now due to popular demand, sort of:
Why Life is Great By: Comrade Plishenko You would think this would be an opinionated article, however I believe that I have proof that life, a.k.a. the happy ray of sunshine, is truly great. Any normal person, who actually matters, could come up with hundreds of valid reasons why life is super. This has partially to do with the fact that those who do not matter, refered to as "pansies," are all whinners and should suck it up. Back in 'Nam when Charlie was comin' through the 'Chocolate Factory,' we did not complain because our shi@*y M-16's were jammed, we just used Lawn Darts to bombard the enemy then stole the Commy's good old fashioned AK's. Thank the good Lord for children's toys taken off the market then sold back to the military. Some people see life as an old brick in the face, but is that a bad thing? Heck, if I had received a brick in the face I would say, "Thank you sir, may I have another!" There could be many advantages to being a target of masons. Building materials would come right through your window, for free! Then you could sell the leftovers to the public as pieces of the Berlin wall for thrice the price! Wouldn't that be nice! A good example of the rays of sunshine in life can be seen everywhere, even where the sun don't shine. Howdy Mr. Happy! Aren't you perky today! What great balls you have! You're so fuzzy! My neighbours dog, Mr. Happy, spends most of his time in their backyard, which is very shady because of the large poplar tree. He doesn't mind it that much because the owners play ball with him a lot. If you remain open-minded, you would not have to go far to see all of the happiness that surrounds us. Nothing ever bad happens without some good coming out of it. For example, if you were stabbed, that could be perceived as a bad thing. However, do not fret! Now you have the opportunity to die your clothes red, for free! I'm such a bargain finder. Bad things are only less good. I guess one could say good things are only less bad, but that leads into a half-empty-half-full drinking utensil debate, which is out of the question! Completely! So I am probably going to write an editorial on it eventually. However, I refuse to enjoy writing it if I do. It is now quite easy to see how life is so amazing, amiable, benevolent, capital, corking, decadent, decent, delightful, envigorating, excellent, exceptional, fabulous, good, grand, great, ideal, marvelous, neat, nifty, outstanding, peachy, perfect, pleasant, smashing, spectacular, stellar, stupendous, super, or possibly swell, to name a few. Absolutely everything is great. This website is great, I am great. Even sentence fragments. Thus, life is great. |