by Jon Lewallen
It�s October, which means it�s never too early to start thinking about Christmas. Is your shopping done? I know mine isn�t. Harold always jokes that I like to leave it until the last minute, and he�s right! There�s just something about shopping on Christmas Eve that gives me such a rush. Maybe that�s what crystal meth is like! I�ll ask Harold.
But you don�t have to follow my route this year. Here�s a handy Christmas gift guide for all of you early purchasers!
Tote bag
Here�s a question � who doesn�t have things that need toting? Whether it�s books, business papers or a dozen inspirational posters, it never hurts to have some extra room. That�s why this year, I predict tote bags will be all the rage. In fact, I even ordered a tote bag that says, �This year, I predict tote bags will be all the rage� on it. And if you don�t do it for me, do it for the American canvas industry that needs our help so badly.
Telephone
Ring, ring! Who�s there? Christmas gift! Christmas gift who? This isn�t a knock-knock joke, it�s a telephone call. Oh, well then, how was work today? God, could we not talk about work for a minute? I hate my boss soooo much. I swear one of these days I�m going to quit, I really don�t care. Let them fire me, whatever. So, did you want to get some dinner?
Spare pen caps
Have you ever been writing with a pen, getting ready to write with a pen, or thinking about writing with a pen? If so, then you know what I�m talking about! Those darn pen caps are always falling on the floor and behind the dresser, or just plain getting themselves lost. With a plastic bag full of spare pen caps, you�ll tell the recipient, �worry no more. I�ve got you covered.� And I didn�t even mean to make a pen cap pun there. Look at me!
Chinese food
Because who doesn�t like Chinese food, seriously? And the beauty of this gift is, they don�t even have to be Jewish to eat it on Christmas (although Grandma might not be too happy about your recipient spoiling his or her appetite. That crazy-ass Grandma). Even if they don�t like �ethnic� food, why there�s always Sweet and Sour Chicken and an egg roll.
Unreasonably large lamp
You know what I think? I think lamps aren�t big enough these days. So why not fix that problem by getting your recipient a large lamp. But not just any large lamp, one that�s unreasonably so, so that no one can ever complain that the lamp�s just too small.
Best of �The Thicke of the Night� DVD
Relive America�s love affair with Alan Thicke, with this handsome one-disc set. Lots of TV shows are being released on DVD these days, and apparently this is one of them! Alan Thicke sure did have a talk show, huh? Extras include audio, a DVD menu, and 47 minutes of laughs � or is it, laffs? (I�m pretty sure it�s �laughs.� The spell checker didn�t really like �laffs.�)
The Shroud of Turin
This thing seems pretty famous. I�ll bet your recipient would love to have it.
Something Christmas-themed
What better to remind your recipient of the holiday spirit year-round (or at least remind his or her basement storage compartment) than with something Christmas-themed! It can be a candle, or a set of fine china, or a lovely sweatsuit. Nothing says Happy Holidays like giving something that can only be used for two weeks out of the year.
Neighborhood Watch...p. 2
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Fighting Spirit...p. 3
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 4