Hello Pine Oaks!
My name is Greg Stansfield, and I would like to introduce you to the exciting world of gargoyles. You know, I was driving through your beautiful neighborhood the other day, and the thought occurred to me � you all have a paucity of stone grotesques adorning your roofs and eaves.
Gargoyles have so much to offer us, and ask so little in return. For one thing, they move water away from housing in a way that�s been show to be 21 percent more effective that standard rain pipes. Second, they attract they eye, and provide passersby with a reason to stop on in and have a chat. And third, they provide an average stone increase of 40 percent per household, which has been shown to have health benefits and increase sex drive.
You know, it�s situations like these that led me into the exciting world of gargoyle sales. Both me and my employer, Gargoyles, Etc., are committed to providing quality gargoyles to those who need them, even if they don�t know they need them. Gargoyles are safe and fun, and kids love them. Dads, too! And if you�re in an area that gets little rain, then you can run a hose through the back and use it to water your lawn!
Luckily for you fine folks, a Gargoyles, Etc. representative will be in your area from October 17-19. If you happen to see the Gargoyles, Etc. panel van, flag it down, and the representative will be happy to provide you with a free gargoyle assessment and a same-day installation (which is not free). There are multiple styles to choose from, including gothic, super-gothic, silly, sans serif, employees of the month (in which each gargoyle represents a past Gargoyles, Etc., employee of the month), Patch Adams, and former Soviet leaders (we are currently out of Krushchev and Andropov).
Gargoyles, Etc. � Have a gargoyle!
Go Fighting Van Burens!
Folks, I�m very excited to say that the Rt. 237 Fighting Van Burens football team is now 5-0, their best start in 22 years! I asked Coach Dale �Sizzle� Szezl how he feels about the team�s exciting start, and he told me to get off his football field. Still, be sure to come out for their next home game, October 12, against defending conference champions Jacob R. Whitmore High School. Let�s flip those Wigmakers!
In other exciting Rt. 237 news, it�s almost time for Homecoming. The dance is scheduled for October 27, and Junior Class President Tonya Eddy says that they�ve got a good one planned. I hope so � but not as good as we planned it last year. Although as a senior, I would like a good last Homecoming. But my class pride says that we should be the best. But if we�re the best then we should have the best�
Sorry, faded into a reverie there. The other big event this month is Halloween, in case you haven�t heard. And, in keeping with the annual tradition, the junior class will be sponsoring a haunted house to pay for their spring class trip. Last year�s haunted house, held at my mom�s apartment, wasn�t the best, and I admit that. I yelled at her for a good long while after it was over. This year, however, should be�interesting. Apparently the juniors are planning on getting a bunch of their parents� minivans in a circle, and doing it that way. Color me orange, black, and skeptical.
This isn�t a time to be negative, though, it�s a time to celebrate our football team! We have a tough schedule coming up, so come on out to George H. Candlemeyer Field and cheer them on.
Go Fighting Van Burens!
Sandy Lellwiss-Budge
Neighborhood Watch...p. 2
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Fighting Spirit...p. 3
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 4