by Jon Lewallen
Everyone�s always saying to me, �hey, you look like a successful guy. You work a lot, you�re career-oriented, and you have your own column on various topics and errata. How can I make some money?�
My first answer is always, �friend, have you heard about the Power of Numbers?� They usually have, and indicate such by staring awkwardly at the sidewalk betwixt us. Just as I begin to resume my daily constitutional, on which they have accosted me, they usually manage to pipe up, �actually, I was thinking more along the lines of the stock market.� Normally I don�t have an answer, since I�m not really sure how you buy stocks. I thought there was a store in the mall called Stocks Appeal, but that turned out to be something else. If I were to give some financial advice, here�s what I�d recommend:
Naps: BUY
With Americans working longer hours now than ever before (at least, I think I can assume upwards of 81% of the people reading this are American), it�s high time that naps come back into fashion. And when they do, you�ll be there, ready to �sell high,� having �bought low.� Although, the last time someone �sold high,� I ended up getting a Web TV for about eight bucks.
Photographs of old people: BUY
Let�s face it, everyone loves old people, right? At least in theory. I mean, I don�t think it�s possible to actually love actual old people, but pictures of old people seem to be all over the place. On greeting cards, on the TV, in the obituary section. So I�d get in on the ground floor with this one.
Cakes in the shape of things: SELL
Apparently, making cakes in the shape of things like armoirs or noted flag-sewer Betsy Ross are all the rage right now. Don�t buy into it. Literally. I can�t imagine this lasting very long, especially since they won�t let you actually eat the cakes shaped like things, unless they�re shaped like a series of other, smaller cakes.
Diplomatic immunity: BUY
Have you heard about this? Apparently, you can do pretty much whatever you want if you�re an ambassador or whatever. �What�s that? I just peed in your pool? Oh, I�m sorry, but you can do that sort of thing when you�re the Ambassador to Guyana. No, I would not like to come with you.�
Vaclav Havel: SELL
No one�s heard from this guy in a while. Avoid until further notice.
The lesser works of Marsilio of Padua: SELL
For most people, it�s Defensor pacis or nothing. Given the �wisdom of crowds� theory, I�d say those people are probably on to something. So this is a tentative �sell� advisory, with a tip to keep an eye on De jurisdictione imperiatoris in causa matrimoniali.
Maggie Gyllenhaal�s singing career: SELL
None. Stay the course.
Onions: BUY
Let�s end on an �up� note. I know a lot of people, myself included, don�t really like raw onions on their sandwiches, subs, grinders or hoagies. But you know what? Just cook that mess, and you�ve got yourself a delicious topping. You can put them on burgers or cheesesteaks, chop them up and stir fry them, or put them in mashed potatoes. It�s really your call. In fact, I�m making this my sleeper stock pick. Other than naps, I guess.
Fighting Spirit...p. 3
Neighborhood Watch...p. 2
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 4