By Tony Daniels
�Gone Recruitin�?� More like �Still Recruitin�.� That�s right, the Pine Oaks Neighborhood Watch is still in search of the next generation of safety patrolpeople (though preferably safety patrolmen). I should also note that I mean �next generation� metaphorically (or is it ironically), since the ideal recruit is between the ages of 25 and 45, and isn�t necessarily of a different generation.
Unfortunately, only two people took advantage of the exciting offer last month, and so we only have one person signed up for neighborhood safety training. (And no, I�m not bad at math. One person failed a background check, meaning they worked for the government or a government-like entity sometime in the last seven years and four months.)
In order to spur interest in joining our fair organization, some might call it rag-tag, though we�re fairly well-attired so a phrase like �dishtowel-tag� might be more apt, I�m publishing the second in my series of safety pamphlets, following the successful first run of February (�successful� in this sense meaning �the copier at Kinko�s didn�t break when I printed it out, and also I found a quarter on the ground so the copies didn�t cost as much as they otherwise would have�). Volume II in the Collection is titled �Know Your Laws of Self-Defense and Also Intruder-Thwarting.� It�s fairly self-explanatory, but for those of you who don�t have a self to explain it to you, in this particular pamphlet I lay out the �please do�s� and �I�d rather you wouldn�t�s� about what you should do should you stumble upon an intruder in your home, a neighbor�s home, or a neighbor�s alleyway, which may or may not also be your alleyway. I don�t want to give away any surprises, suffice it to say you should always carry a heavy, hefty object such as an anvil or a large doorknob with you. If you�re currently anvil- or large doorknob-less, I know a guy named Dwaine who can get you set up with everything you need. I recommend the �Duke Rochester� model. If you�re intrigued by this and other tips, stop by my house and pick up a copy of the pamphlet, and be sure to sign up to join the Neighborhood Watch.
To safety!
By Marcus Eddy, Senior Class President
Hello my fellow Pine Oaks..er, fellows. Yearbook advertising sales continue apace, but there�s still plenty of time to purchase space in the 2006-2007 Rt. 237 yearbook, �Going Places, Meeting Faces.� I�m also pleased to announce that some space has opened up in recent days with the going-under of Lowell�s Wicker. I should clarify that I�m pleased for the yearbook ad committee, and not so much pleased for Lowell.
The Rt. 237 annual science fair is also coming up, and I, for one, am excited to see what our school�s budding young Einsteins, Bohrs and Eulmeyers will come up with this year. Personally, I�m submitting an entry titled �Perpetual Motion: Safe and Affordable Housing or History�s Greatest Hoax?� And I have to say, I like my chances. I haven�t worked on a science project this good since fourth grade�s �Why Is Lava So Hot?� The only way I stand to lose is if Andy Nakamura builds a robot or invents time travel or something. Which, after last year�s �The Littlest Dinosaur,� I wouldn�t put past him.
Finally, don�t forget to come out to the �Hoopin� Around� tournament, March 10-12 qt the high school gym. Our own Lady Van Burens are seeded first, so let�s get a big crowd out there and give them a home-court advantage.
Go Fighting Van Burens!
Marcus Eddy, Rt. 237 Senior Class President
Fighting Spirit...p. 3
Neighborhood Watch...p. 3
Message from the President...FRONT
Pine Oaks Book Club...p. 2
Welcome Wagon...FRONT
This Month in Pine Oaks...FRONT
Young Person's Perspective...p. 4